Response
THE FAVOR OF A REPLY IS REQUESTED
ON OR BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH OF SEPTEMBER
This statement has been the central focus of an ongoing debate in my family. It started when we began thinking about invitations. Wording. Oh, the wording. Formal. Casual. Modern. Traditional. The choices were endless. When we finally muddled our way through that process, we were then sacked with having to choose a date. One stinking date when the RSVPs would be due. And after the brain sap of the wording process, one would think this choice would be easy.
However, it is this date that caused the controversy. Some parties (brides’ parents who will remain unnamed) believed the date should be based on when we want to hear back from our guests. As in three days after we send out the invitations. Better yet, as in yesterday. So we feel the love from all the people who will come. And we have responses perfectly lined up in order to address other wedding-related decisions.
On the other hand, other parties (the much more level-headed bride, also to remain unnamed) thought the date should be based on when we need to know. As in, a date that leaves us plenty of time to follow-up with our stubborn / forgetful / unknowingly-stressing-out-the-bride guests who never return their response card. Enough time to convey final numbers to our vendors. Enough time to finalize seating charts. Enough time to march into the wedding day feeling darn good about all the love that surrounds us.
Because said bride (who remains unnamed) was thinking more rationally. And because she happened to be in charge of placing the order. She won. The chosen date was one month out from the wedding. In the wedding world, PLENTY of time for said decisions to be dissected, discussed, and resolved. And it was at that time, I (OK, I’m revealing myself as said bride – surprise!) set expectations. I warned my parents that people would not respond immediately. I went further to state we’d all be making phone calls after the date. Because, deliberate or not, there would be some people who would not respond by the given date.
And I think I created a monster. Because, before that day hit. Heck, before that month hit. The questions started rolling in.
Should we call our friends?
Have you spoken with the other guests?
Do you have any idea why they haven’t sent in their response cards?
Umm, I don’t know. Maybe because it’s still August and we told guests to respond by the middle of September? Two weeks after we sent out invitations, my parents displayed a sense of anxiety that most people hadn’t yet responded. I kept reminding them to relax. There’s nothing we can (nor should) do before the due date. Yet, the need-to-know, the need to control took over. While my mom was in town visiting, I humored her. We meticulously went through my spreadsheet to guess how many people would attend the wedding. However, all bets were off after we tallied that guesstimate. No contacting. No nudging. No asking. There were still three weeks until the due date.
And that brings us to today. That looming day the response cards are due. The fifteenth of September. And we have a lot of work ahead of us. As promised, there are plenty of response cards missing. My parents’ family around the country. A groomsman! A bridesmaid! Sweets’ parents! Yes, people of all shapes and sizes failed to respond. And while some might only consider sticking that response card in the mail a formality. I beg to differ. That one piece of cardstock. That little envelope. Those simple words of Accept With Pleasure or Decline With Regrets. Those simple items set the stage for the bride and her family.
Instead of giving our venue and caterer final numbers. Instead of sending our programs off to the printer with the right count. Instead of developing seating charts. Instead of making out place-cards. We are stuck calling. Emailing. And gently (or not so much) scolding our loved ones. For even having to ask in the first place. And for the one or two people who truly were unable to figure out plans before today. I understand. But, for all the others. For MOST everyone else? Seriously. SERIOUSLY?! Is it really that hard?
I know that conveniently none of the people who should be reading this post are. But, I have to throw it out there. On behalf of brides and party planners around the world. If you have a response card waiting for some attention. Love. Care. Please, for the love of something, take care to send it in on time. Because in this case? It’s not just the bride dealing with a few hanging doubts about our final numbers. It’s the added burden of counseling parents who are losing control. And that, my friends, is a no-fun, down and dirty place to be.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Yeah, see, I’m awful at sending back response cards. I know I should do it formally, but for most of the time, I never know what I’m doing. Fortunately, I have no weddings on my horizon for a very long time, so I don’t have to worry about the response card.
I have a habit of reading my mail about a month after I get it. Which is pretty much not helpful to anyone or anything at all. :)
September 15th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
We had so many people not respond, I get pissed just thinking about it. We had assigned tables and it was really hard to work on that when I didn’t know if people were coming or not.
September 15th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I never understood why it was so hard for people to put a STAMPED item back in the mail. I hope you get your answers soon! :)
September 15th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
is there going to be a cut-off CUT-OFF date?
Good luck with soothing your parents nerves. Mmm, I’m thinking -- gift for MOB = spa day!?
September 15th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Ha! I know exactly how you feel. Ever since I got married I am psychotic about returning those cards immediately. When I got married I had several bridesmaids and girlfriends not return the cards and they all said,”But you know I’m coming.” Um, do I? And more to the point, are you eating steak or fish, goddamnit!
September 15th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
You can find about a half dozen posts on RSVPs buried on my blog. People are awful at responding, no matter the occasion. We had about 6 not respond for our wedding. We contacted them. Then we even had a few no shows at our wedding and reception. Meals we paid for went to waste. Every year for our son’s birthday party we deal with this. Common courtesy apparently does not exist. Ugh.
September 15th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
You can find about a half dozen posts on RSVPs buried on my blog. People are awful at responding, no matter the occasion. We had about 6 not respond for our wedding. We contacted them. Then we even had a few no shows at our wedding and reception. Meals we paid for went to waste. Every year for our son’s birthday party we deal with this. Common courtesy apparently does not exist. Ugh.
September 15th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
What will really put you over the edge is the people who say they are coming and don’t show up. You don’t really notice until you are on the plane headed to your honeymoon destination and it sinks in that you didn’t see so-and-so. And you SO hope there is a good reason so-and-so blew off your wedding. Obviously…six years after my wedding I’m still upset at a few so-and-sos.
Sorry I’m such a slacker.
September 15th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I have a feeling the same people who don’t send back response cards would be very upset not to recieve a “thank you” card in a timely manner.
September 15th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Oh I am SO WITH YOU there. Except that my parents haven’t been bugging us about who’s RSVPed at all. Thank GOD.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I so agree with you and completely empathize with your situation. When I got married I had many individuals who were going to attend suddenly become oblivious to the R.S.V.P. -- it was annoying! I know, however, that you’ll be able to make those phone calls in no time and soon you’ll be able to move forward…
September 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
One of my friends is notorious for not responding to invites. I don’t understand it -- how can people not just RSVP right away? Or at least in a somewhat timely fashion?
September 15th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I must say that I’m constantly forgetting to RSVP for one reason or another or no reason sometimes.
I’ve got my own problems over here. We are getting new floors in and I’m a bit stressed. We moved all of the breakables and valuables out of the rooms to be re-floored and yet they still managed to break two large bowls… At least there are two of them now. At first the one guy said it would just be him. There was just NO way.
Hope it’s not too much of a pain calling the RSVP laggers!
September 15th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I agree -- this is so easy it is embarrassing. Send it back. Decide. Figure it out. Get your shit together.
Not so hard.
But, I’m a professional bridesmaid and wedding attendant, so I should know.
I’ll either be a great bride or a total nightmare.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
It’s gotten so bad that people don’t even RSVP on an Evite. WTH? It’s an EVITE!
Hope this all gets sorted out ASAP.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I’m no bride as you know and never have been, but I completely understand you. I’ve always let my friends know if I am going or not to their weddings by not only RSVPing ASAP, but also emailing them. You know, just in case that RSVP doesn’t get to them by post.
I know, a bit anal I am. Hope they let you know SOON!
September 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Ugh -- sorry you’re having to deal with this! We were chasing people right up to the week before our wedding. We couldn’t give an accurate number to the venue so we had to overshoot by about 4 people. Those 4 people didn’t show and on top of that, 6 people who had RSVP’ed yes didn’t show. That’s 10 meals we paid for that went to waste -- made my head melt a little.
Hope it goes smoothly for you!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I think it’s really common for people to completely flake on RSVP’ing. Ridiculous. But common nonetheless.
I’m wishing you luck!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I can’t imagine the stress that you will have to endure after today contacting people and trying to get the last details put in place before you big day.
I must say I have on one occasion waited until a few days before the RSVP to send it my “regret” reply. But the groom knew I would not be able to make it and kept hounding me weeks before the due date to see if I changed my mind.
So just to mess with him and because I was tired of the two eamils per week I waited until the last possible minute,
September 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
As a recent bride, I will NEVER again wait until the last minute to send in my Response Card to someone else’s wedding. We had the same issues, but after reaching out to folks we got responses pretty quickly (albiet verbal or electronic vs. snail mail). Good luck!
September 15th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
This bugs the heck out of me when I plan parties, so I can’t even IMAGINE how much it’ll bug me when I get married! I hate when people don’t respond -- it’s like, yes, I’ve assumed you’ll be there. But we still need confirmation! Jeeze!
September 15th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
People don’t RSVP. That’s just how it is. People will send those cards back in their own sweet time.
It totally sucks. And don’t be surprised if people show up at the wedding and didn’t send in their card. And don’t be surprised when people who sent in an affirmative and don’t show.
Not everyone is considerate.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
That sensible, level-headed bride is so smart, I bet she’s going to have a truly fabulous wedding :)
September 15th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Oh don’t get me started…I hate when people don’t RSVP -- or worse, RSVP yes and then don’t show.
I have an evite out right now for our housewarming party this Saturday (btw, wanna come?!?) and I can feel myself starting to get obsessive.
I mean, HELLO? Keg or individual beer bottles??
September 15th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I am blessed to say that we only had to track down a couple of names on our RSVP list. And everyone who promised to come actually showed up! The wedding gods smiled upon us!
Hang in there! Believe me, you won’t notice who’s missing until its too late. Overshoot the order, then have the leftovers for Sunday brunch.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I have been married for almost 13 years and I am still bugged that certain people didn’t send in their card or sent it in saying they were coming and then blew it off. Weddings are hard work! I would say planning them is almost a full time job all by itself!
September 15th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Ahh! This will stress me out SO MUCH when I am planning a wedding!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Ahh! This will stress me out SO MUCH when I am planning a wedding!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I know it’s a wedding and this is super important to you. But I have to throw some humor in here… You know I’m in AA, and people in AA (hell, people in general) tend to be not so very good about RSVPing, so now when I have a party and someone asks me how many people are coming, I say, “Five or Thirty.” They laugh, but they just might be finally getting the hint!
September 15th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I’m not the best at RSVPing. But I think I’m getting better..!
September 15th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I’m glad it’s you dealing with this, because even though I am the rational, level-headed one in my family, I am also the one who is always on time, always calls ahead if I’m late, always remembers to RSVP, even if it’s not requested and I’m also the one who loses it when others don’t give the same courtesy. The late cards may have been the straw for me.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I see no issue with the verbiage of the RSVP. It states very clearly when to respond by. Can’t be any clearer, IMO.
I’m pretty good about responding when I need to, especially when there’s an actual date printed so I can put it on my calendar.
I know the final days before a wedding can be crazy, but everything will go off without too many issues.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
It’s such a simple thing to do, but causes such chaos when neglected. I also wish people were more considerate of what it takes to pull off a wedding. Maybe those who respond late should be penalized by being drafted to solve the administrative problems they created. But then again, they probably wouldn’t do a very good job of those either.
Anyhoo, there’s an award for you on my blog. Come on by and get it. :-)
September 16th, 2008 at 12:52 am
I had the same problem with people not replying so I had to go chase them up. I’d made it as easy as possible since I was in a different country and had email, text, phonecall, fax as ways to contact us.
What I found out totally surprised me! A lot of men think that RSVP means ‘let me know if you are coming, but if you arent coming, you can just ignore the invite’. Seriously, they thought an rsvp only had to be returned if you were attending! It was only men who thought that though, and I found myself explaining that they should always reply one way or the other so the bride wasnt wasting money on international phone calls lol.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:14 am
And that is why I immediately send back my RSVP as soon as I get it because otherwise I will forget about it!
September 16th, 2008 at 2:00 am
I am horrible with RSVPs. I am ashamed of this, but I cannot help it. My friends/family always has to call me to confirm.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:27 am
And don’t even get me started on the “maybe attending” button on Facebook-- one of the many panes of my existence.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I have never been a bride, but a bride’s maid enough to know that it drives them all bananas. That’s the worst. It sounds terrible, but you may need to call a few!
September 17th, 2008 at 1:30 am
Oh boy—I can remember feeling this way like it was yesterday. I hope to look back on it fondly in 64 years because that’s when I will be “over it.” :)
September 17th, 2008 at 1:30 am
Oh boy—I can remember feeling this way like it was yesterday. I hope to look back on it fondly in 64 years because that’s when I will be “over it.” :)
September 18th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Oh man. Very frustrating! I always send those little cards in along with a note…a byproduct of my New Orleans rearing, I suppose. Funny thing, I didn’t include any response cards in our wedding invitations oh so many years ago. We just took a blind guess and ran with it. We didn’t have a seated reception though, so we were able to get away with it!
September 19th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Haha. Super cute. Loved the attempted “third person” talk that you gave up on :)
September 19th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Ah, replies. Guest lists. Yes. Such a headache -- and your parents don’t seem to be helping any…
September 21st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Arg. I was surprised at how many people did not respond to our RSVPs… and I was surprised at who DID NOT -- like you -- friends, family…WTF? It’s so frustrating.
I always try to RSVP in time, but even more now, that I have planned a major event and know what a headache it is when people do not respond!