BlogSecretPost
BlogSecret, the blogging exercise where one of your secrets is posted anonymously on someone else’s blog. Today, I host someone else’s secret. What you will read below does not come from me, but it is someone else’s truth. Someone else’s life. Treat it with care. And, be sure to share your thoughts in the comment section as the author knows where their secret is posted. You can find a list of other participating blogs here.
My wife is a male to female transsexual.
I am not ashamed of her, me or our relationship. She is everything to me. The ‘problem’ with gender identity disorder is that once you’ve corrected your body to match your head you become invisible, just another face in the crowd. She wants to just be herself and live her life. So I never talk about it, because it isn’t an issue.
Recently, I’ve had an e-mail exchange with my Mother. Our discussion was about gay marriage. She thinks it is wrong, that we should have ‘separate but equal’ laws. I think it is discrimination to have different laws and rights for people based on sexual preference, race, age, gender, height or shoe size.
I am a lesbian. I married my wife while she was still legally male; we have a valid marriage license. However, next year she’ll finally be able to correct her birth certificate and our marriage will become void; because marriage is between one man and one woman.
I am sad that a decade of amazing togetherness will be wiped away and we’ll appear to be just another divorce. We will remain together. We will have our home together. Our social network will remain in tact. We will still be everything to each other. Nothing about us will change, but suddenly, we will no longer be protected by the law.
My discussion with my Mother finally came down to two things either:
Mother thinks that I am not a proper lesbian because my wife is not a proper woman.
or
She thinks I am a sinner and a bad person.
I am a very practical, straight-forward type person. I wanted nothing more than to ask her which one it is. The end result would be the same though: I would stop talking with her. I will not be able to handle her treating my wife like that. I would also be unable to allow myself to be subjected to judgments like that when I don’t have to be.
So I didn’t ask the question and now I can pretend there is a third option I haven’t thought of and there is hope that my Mother isn’t completely illogical and mean-spirited. She hasn’t replied to my last message and we’re now pretending the whole thing never happened.
Ironically, she asked me to please consider her opinion. I am happy to consider it, but I can never agree with her because it means throwing myself under the bus. I spent enough years hating myself, my sexuality is not going anywhere and if I start to think homosexuality is wrong then I become wrong.
Of course, if you asked her to tell this story, she would tell you that the issue at hand was complicated and I just didn’t understand (somehow I feel like she thinks I am in my late-teens instead of my late-20s).
Love is love, regardless of who is giving or receiving. I just want to be able to see my wife in ICU or if something happened to me know that she’d be my next of kin. I just want us both to be protected.
Why wouldn’t she want us to be safe?
November 18th, 2008 at 10:42 am
It must so incredibly difficult not only on her, but you as well. I speak honestly when I say its probably hard on your mom as well. Though I don’t agree with her lack of support and not WANTING to understand, it’s more than likely because she doesn’t want to believe it. Somehow she thinks if she doesn’t accept it, it will go away. As sad as that is, its true. I’m guilty of doing it with other issues. It’s wrong. You want who you want, you love who you love, and your wife is who she is.
I’ll pray for you mom’s acceptance and that she just accepts who you love and the fact that it doesn’t make you who you are.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
It’s funny (not funny ‘ha ha’) that it’s such a complicated scenario yet at the heart of it all, it’s actually so simple. It’s a matter of supporting and loving your children regardless. It’s about wanting their rights and civil liberties protected.
While I’m sure this is very hard on your mother, I truly hope that she’ll find her own peace with the situation and not let her relationship with her daughter suffer. Hang in there and stick to what you believe in.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
It’s funny (not funny ‘ha ha’) that it’s such a complicated scenario yet at the heart of it all, it’s actually so simple. It’s a matter of supporting and loving your children regardless. It’s about wanting their rights and civil liberties protected.
While I’m sure this is very hard on your mother, I truly hope that she’ll find her own peace with the situation and not let her relationship with her daughter suffer. Hang in there and stick to what you believe in.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
this is so sad. it’s like your wife’s dream is finally coming true but in turn the state is turning their thumbs at you. not cool.
hopefully one day soon you’ll be able to get that marriage license once again.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
i agree with ben. i will support my son no matter what. love him, no matter what.
how come other people cant bring themselves to do the same?
November 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I am truly sorry you and your wife have to experience and anticipate such a difficult transition. Hopefully, in time, your Mother will come to terms with everything and show you some uncomditional acceptance.
November 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Wow. I think we all have the mistaken idea that once you find the person who makes you truly happy and accepts you completely, those who love you best would be overjoyed and grateful for your happiness. Unfortunately this isn’t the case.
Lucky for you that you have an amazing parter (as does your wife) with whom to share your life, despite other’s opinions.
November 18th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine how trying it is for you to have a strained relationship with your mom, especially when you are already facing so many external challenges to your marriage. You, your wife and your mom are in my thoughts.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Hi, me again.
Can we set up a BlogSecret Blog so anyone can post a secret? I just thought of about 14 other secrets I’d love to reveal but can’t on my own blog.
xoxo — secret girl
November 18th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
You are so on the ball with the “love is love” statement. I think that separate but equal contradict and they are just a form of justifying discrimination.
I wish you and your wife all the happiness in the world and I do hopw that your marriage will remain valid in the courts.
I hope that you and your mom can find the peace you seek to maintain a relationship and for her to understand who you are.
Good luck
November 18th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Powerful secret, but also one that I’m sure many people are facing these days, sadly. Putting aside religion and political views and looking at the whole thing as only an issue of civil rights and liberties should be easy. It should be clear that the choice is to protect those rights for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation. It’s a cruel world we live in when people refuse to make the decision so easy to make. Good luck with your mother.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
What a difficult situation. I’m so sorry that your Mom doesn’t get it. And I’m very sorry that she supports “separate but equal” -- we all should take a glance at our history books and refresh our memories as to how that turned out. You should be able to marry who you love, as simple as that.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Even if it is difficult for your mom to understand or accept this, I really hope she can get to the point where she will love and support you no matter what.
It’s already hard enough to find someone you click with, who is your best friend and you fall in love with. And then you have more barriers. I really hope all the best for you. Stay strong.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I agree 100% with Bens comment. I think he hit the nail right on the head there.
Nilsa- thank you. This will be the greatest Tuesday blog reading ever.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult the situation is for you and your wife. I hope everything work’s out in the end with your mother.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I can’t even imagine how this all must make you feel. I have a bisexual sister who waited until this year to tell us all the truth. She is 36. I felt nothing but love and support for her. And because of that, I was the only person in our family to meet her girlfriend. I look at them and I see real love — two people who support each other and would do anything for each other. And it infuriates me that they won’t have the same rights as I do. It truly breaks my heart.
I hope your mom is able to come to some sort of understanding. She can’t change it, but she can accept it. She’s your mom. That’s her job.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
So sorry to hear of the tension and struggle you and your mom are going through, secret-writer.
As katie said, it’s certainly hard for your mom as well. She loves you but has this nagging conscience that says homosexuality is wrong and shouldn’t be promoted or even acknowledged legally.
I don’t disagree with parents taking a stand on issues with their kids. There are many things I hope parents can stand up against (bigotry, violence, greed, etc…), even if their own kids disagree.
But in this case the issue at hand is love between two consenting adults. How sad that this is an issue many have picked to make a stand against.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry that your Mom can’t see it from your perspective. I hope she comes around to seeing the light.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
oh wow, what a powerful post.
i agree with alexa -- i can’t believe that your wife finally becoming the woman she wants to be has to somehow signify the dissolution of your marriage. how backwards, and wrong, and unfair. i’m so sorry.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
You can't help who you love.
I hope that your mom accepts you and your wife and realizes the labels don't matter.
<3
November 18th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
You can get a marriage license…just take a little summer vacation here to Massachusettes next year.
Same sex marriage has been legal here for about five years now, and it’s not going anywhere!
November 18th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Now that’s a compelling story. Well you’re adults and I’m sure your mom’s approval does mean a lot to you. She’s most likely not going to change.
The way marriage is defined as between a man and a woman is lame. It’s out of your control. What’s not out of your control though is how much your care for your spouse. Who cares what the certificate says. Your feelings for her won’t change.
I’m hopeful this gay marriage ban will go away because people really should have more pressing matters. Honestly, who cares who we choose to marry? If you love someone, that’s all that should matter. Thanks for sharing.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Amen. Why haven’t people learned that separate but equal is not equal? Wasn’t that the lesson from the civil rights era? This issue is no different, and eventually people will see that, but unfortunately, like many who came from the generation of racial divide, many people who hate gays today will not get over that sentiment. The generation just has to die out.
Good luck to both of you, and thank you for sharing this story.
November 18th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I heard a sermon at my mom’s church a few months ago that really hit home. The main point was that human happiness is derived from being the truest version of yourself. The reverend gave the example of a study showing that gay men who had previously suffered depression before coming out found that when they were honest with themselves and those around them, their depression disappeared. I am so happy for you and your wife that you are able to be true to yourselves and it breaks my heart that your mother can’t be happy and accepting as well.
November 18th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
As someone who voted a big fat No on Prop 8 in California, I find your story particularly sad. I’m sad for your mother -- and all the other blind voters who don’t see they’re depriving people of rights by imposing “separate but equal” rules -- but I’m mostly sad for you.
Maybe Accidentally Me is right -- maybe you can make a trip out to Massachusetts. Or maybe the Supreme Court will come through and call Prop 8 what it is -- an unconstitutional removal of civil rights. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you and your wife.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this! Your story perfectly illustrates how it’s real live people who get hurt through close-mindedness and discrimination, not just some nebulous “they”. And it’s so sad that your mom is part of what’s hurting you.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
It’s so amazingly wonderful that you’ve been able to support your wife through her transformation. What a process to go through as a couple! And you’re as committed as ever, probably more.
You’re doing way better than the average straight relationship. More power to you, and many blessings.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
WOW. That is a huge secret. I am so sorry that your mom doesn’t understand.
Finding love is so difficult. I will never question anyone who has found true love.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Wow--your secret just beat up my secret’s butt. Thank you so much for sharing your situation. I wish you the best of luck with your mom…and with life. It’s so unbelievably unjust that this should be anymore of a struggle than it already is for you and your wife. Here’s to it getting better.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
That is just heartwrenching that your wife will finally be able to claim her true identity, yet that will inevitably wipe away your marriage and rights. It is just so unfair. And even more difficult that your mom can’t support you. But love is everything, and it will carry you through. I hope one day your mom is able to see past labels and realize that finding love with another human being is truly beautiful -- a miracle -- no matter what gender the person happens to be.
November 18th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I agree with Ben and the others who offered the same sentiment -- “It’s a matter of supporting and loving your children regardless.”
I admire you for posting this, even anonymously, this must be a hard thing to re-process in your mind. Thank you for sharing it though. I’m hopeful this won’t be an issue (the legal part, not necessarily the parent part, though I hope that too), in the not too distant future.
November 18th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
This heartbreaking. Love is love and no one should have the right to tell you otherwise.
November 18th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I wish I could give you a hug right now! EVERYONE deserves the right to marry whom ever they love!
November 19th, 2008 at 12:21 am
When your wife makes the final transition to becoming a woman--what a bittersweet time for you both!!! I am so sorry that you do not have the support from your mother. I am so sorry that you do not have the support from your state. But, my friend--you have the support of us bloggers!!!!
November 19th, 2008 at 12:44 am
this is such a tough story to hear. so sad. i wish that you and your wife could be able to live a life free of all of these pressures and burdens. it’s not fair.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:51 am
This broke my heart. For all the belief that our parents are the ones who should always love us no matter what, there are times when it seems that’s next to impossible.
I wish you the best of luck… both in getting the recognition you want for your relationship with your wife and for coming to terms with what the future holds for all of you.
November 19th, 2008 at 12:51 am
It astounds me that you guys have to move from being protected by the law to losing your rights. That's heartbreaking.
It sounds like you have more love & acceptance in your hearts than you can shake a stick at. I'm so happy for you both!
I think that what you've chosen with your mom is probably the best strategy, preserve your relationship where you can and roll your eyes in the in betweens. Acceptance and support wo9uld be so much easier, but you guys can give that to each other.
And, evidently, get it from us when you need it = )
November 19th, 2008 at 12:52 am
I can relate to this secret. I can relate because I am in a relationship with another woman. The thing is, all we want is equal rights. You can have your wedding, you can have your marriage, you can have your religion, but why do you have to take our love away too?
November 19th, 2008 at 12:56 am
Proposition 8 is ripping my family apart. My mom and sister are going through this same thing. I feel pitted against members who are pro 8 while I am against it. (Well, I also feel pitted against most of my state in this regard.)
I have children and honestly? I cannot imagine wanting anything for them other than what truly makes them happy (NOT MY opinion of WHAT “SHOULD” make them truly happy. BIG, FAT DIFFERENCE)
Would I opt for my kid to be gay? NO. It is a tough road. But if that is what they are? SO? It means redefining what I thought their life may be and struggles AND joys in different areas.
If my kid is happy, peaceful and full of joy? I will be too. Wherever that lies. Because they are my child and their happiness is more important than anything else.
END. OF. STORY.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:14 am
I can’t even imagine… not the having someone you love more than anything, like you do for her, but the idea that anyone could ever believe that you marriage is becomes less real, less valid because of an operation.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:41 am
Because I too agree with Ben, I feel like a sheep…baa. But it is that simple…love is love is love is love.
No matter what shape, color, sexual orientation or complicated situation. It is all just love.
Thanks for sharing with us.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:43 am
Fly out here to MA and we can hook you up!
On a more serious note, I don’t understand why people voted for Prop 8. Years from now gay marriage won’t be a big deal and people will read in the history books about the struggle.
Good luck with your mom. That is a difficult situation and I’m not sure I have any advice for you.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Unconditional love may not always be easy, but it is what it is. Your mother may take awhile to recongnize that this is the what she needs to have and show, I hope she is able to do so for you.
November 21st, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Before I read throught he comments I wanted to post one. This is easily one of the heaviest things I’ve ever read.
With all of the hoopla over Prop-8 in CA and the whole same-sex marriage issue -- I’ve treid to keep up but never would ahve thought of the scenario you are living.
I hate that people feel compelled to define marriage as “between a man and a woman”, it really needs to read “between two consenting adults” -- love in an emotion and emotions are genderless.
I am so sorry that you must endure this -- I would ask if it made sense to move to a state where same sex marriage is legal (here in MA), but that isn’t a real solution because you would have to give up your home and your circle of friends and rearrange your whole life to do so.
It is so unfair. I wish you all the happinesss in the world and will continue to pray that human rights issues such as this one will be resolved.