Dating
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It’s been a while since I was on the dating scene. But, many of you are actively dating. And many of your posts bring me back to a time when I was actively dating. By no means would I trade my current married-to-Sweets status for those days, but you know what? I was happy then, too. I have no regrets about my dating years (and years and years). None.
Dating was fun. My approach to dating was all about enjoying life. Not about finding a partner. But about using the excuse of meeting someone new to try a new restaurant. Meeting up at a new bar. Going to a new exhibit. Was every date a huge hit? Absolutely not. And dating wasn’t all that took up my time. I had a healthy group of friends who would also keep me out and about, too. But, it was during those times I really got to know my city. And more importantly, myself.
Sure, there were times of loneliness. Times when by the end of the night, my girlfriends were all going home to their boyfriends and fiances and husbands. And I had a dark and empty home to welcome me. Times when I didn’t want to try any more. Times when I wasn’t sure where I would meet the next guy, since I felt I had used up all possible resources. But, I’ve got to admit. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. Or not for long, anyway.
Even in the couple years before meeting Sweets, I was still having fun. I was a single 30-something having fun. Imagine that. I reflected a lot during that time. What if I never met the man for me? What if I was 50 before I got married? Would I be OK? I quickly came to terms with the idea that I might never get married. Or certainly not anytime soon. And might never have a family. Or not a biological one. Which meant finding happiness with me (there didn’t have to be an us).
Once I envisioned that life. Envisioned a fulfilled life without a husband or family. And really embraced all the possibilities for happiness without those things. I felt a huge release. It took a lot of pressure off myself to be at a certain point in life by a certain age. And certainly took away much of the pressure when Sweets and I finally met. Because I didn’t feel the need nor rush to get married.
And that attitude has even carried into my married life with Sweets. Sure, I’m 35 and most people think we should be starting our family now. But, you know what? We’re newlyweds. And Sweets and I have some living to do before we commit ourselves to family life. Sure that means I might not be able to have my own biological children. But, worse things have happened. And if biology isn’t on my side, we remain open to other methods of creating a family. Believe me when I say, it feels really great not to feel pressured into popping babies the day after we got married!
So, I guess you’re wondering why I am writing this today? Well, it’s less because I’m being super reflective about myself. And more because based on what I read across the interwebs, I realize I have lots of young readers navigating the waters of singledom. And I know how easy it is to put pressure on ourselves. To feel the pressure that our families place on us. That society places on us. That feeling that we should be doing everything possible to get married and settle down.
And I guess I write in the hopes you’ll take a leap of faith with me. That if you can learn how to take pressure off dating by growing into your own shoes. Falling in love with yourself. Learning how to be OK with nights at home. Alone. Learning to fill that time with things other than trolling for men, dating or over-analyzing the guys in your life. Figuring out what are your lifetime goals and how can you achieve them without the help of others. It will honestly change your outlook on yourself and your life.
And in doing so, not only do you set yourself free, but you become more attractive to the world around you. I promise you. It’s not something that happens overnight. But, the change is remarkable. Anyone onboard?
March 26th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I think this is some great advice!
March 26th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Since I’m married, I can’t really be onboard, but I totally second your post!! It’s all about finding yourself in your own skin first! Then love finds its way into your life, and voila, you’re happy as a clam!!! Great post!!
March 26th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Many, many years ago I came across a ring that a man had given me long before that. I loved that ring, but I had taken it off when we split up and never felt right about wearing it again. When I found it and remembered how much I loved it, I started trying to think of a way to wear it without feeling all the old feelings with it.
I decided that I would put it back on because I loved it, and make a commitment to myself with that ring to keep the things I loved regardless of propriety or social stigma, and to be true to who I was in order to make myself happy like no man ever could. In truth, I married myself that day. Long before some jewelry chain decided to make the Right Hand Ring a trend.
When I got married I switched that old ring to my right hand, and I still wear it to this day. So I guess you could say I am on board. ;)
March 26th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m so with you. I was what I liked to call a “serial dater”--bouncing from man to man about every 4 months. And not b/c I didn’t want more, I just couldn’t get it right.
Well, the last guy I dated before E.was borderline emotionally abusive. When we split up, I asked myself why the hell I was letting me be treated like that. I took 6 months off, worked 2 jobs, and tried new things.After those 6 months, I went to a dating event with a friend for “moral support” and met my wonderful E. :)
It’s cliched, but you really gotta love yourself to find love.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
You know what part I like best about this post?
is that you and sweets both know you still have some living to do before having kids.
I think too many people start having kids WAY too early and to me, the idea of that is just insane!!! Just because you get married doesn’t mean you have to be pregnant the very next day, you know? Enjoy it! Enjoy each other. Hell, I enjoy being single as much as I possibly can.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Sound advice, Nilsa. I totally agree. At almost 36 I am trying to feel fulfilled as a (newly) single woman who does want a family and a home. I figure if I keep working on myself and going towards my goals of owning a home and being financially stable (and emotionally stable!) it will all work out in the end.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Well written!
It is very reminicent of the Shakespear quote to thyne ownself be true.
Dating was alsoway a new adventure and sometimes it did not work out. As i got older, it did bum me out but one day I decided to focus on me. I started prepping for the GMATs and grad school.
I started saving for a condo and a vacation.
Once I got to that point, I met the BF. I honestly think that I had to heal myself and focus on me that gave me the insight to really love someone else.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I feel like you wrote this directly to me, and your timing couldn’t be more perfect. I don’t know if you read my post yet today, but I just skimmed the surface of wanting to explore a little more of myself and what I want out of everything (life, love, work, travel, etc). The more I thought about that, the more I realized that trying to do all of that while searching for The Right Guy was going to be counterproductive. I almost pulled both of my online dating profiles just to take a step back. I mean, the real reason I dove into that so quickly was to distract myself from JR, which is exactly what he did to me because of his last relationship and we all see where that ended up. I woke up this morning almost NOT wanting to find someone right now because I feel like I have a long way to go before I can be the complete person I need to be to then be a part of something else. You’re right though, when your little sister and your roommates your best friends are all going home to their fiances and boyfriends and roommates, it feels a little lonely. But I need to focus on me.
Wow, sorry for the novel, but you’ve been reading my stuff lately… you know this is definitely resonating with me! :) I’m starring this post to come back to from time to time. Your insight is truly invaluable.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Thank you. Great advice. And yes, you’re completely right -- love yourself before others can.
March 26th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I really love this post. I almost feel like I could have written it. (Though not as well) I am a happy 30something single woman -- and I honestly love my life.
Sure, I there are times that I would really love to have a husband. But I will fine if that never happens.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Oh so true! It took me quite a long time to just let go of these pressures, just to be completely happy on my own and accept that I wouldn’t necessarily end up with anyone. It was such a great release.
Then I met Matt. I kid you not.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
You are so right, Nilsa. Good things happen when you love yourself because only then can you attract someone who will love you for you. Sometimes we jump into relationships and forget who we are or were. Our lovers are attracted to us for who we are, not who we will become. Great post!
jj
March 26th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Great advice, Nilsa. And I think that even though I am married right, I can still be onboard. Life is about continually trying to find happiness within and I know it is something I can always be working on.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Thank you so much for this great post! I was just having a similar conversation with my married best friend yesterday, about how already at 24 I’m feeling the pressure to get married… but I’m not ready yet! I’ve been reflecting on this a lot lately, and it’s really difficult. Thanks for this perspective, it was really helpful!
March 26th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I got married at 24, and met my future husband at 22, so, you know. I was a little younger and I didn’t do that much dating before I met Torsten, relatively speaking. But it sounds like we had the same mindset, like you had come full circle? Like I felt I was very young and wasn’t thinking about settling down, and then it happened. The same thing from a slightly different angle.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
:-)
March 26th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
very good advice here, lady.
you know me and know a few of the stories of the wild dates ive been on. ive always approached it similar to you, looking to just meet someone new, go someplace new and try something out. when it’s right it’s right, and when it happens, it happens. there’s no rush, absolutely. in the meantime, enjoying the here and now, living in the moment, i believe, is where it’s at!
March 26th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I really don’t know how I would deal if I were forced back into the meat market of dating again. As I’ve gotten older, I get more comfortable in being with someone.
In my first marriage, we took some time before adding a child to the mix. 4 years was good to travel, just be ourselves and get life together. That was in my 20′s and 30′s
Now in my mid-40′s, I’ve found that same groove with my wife and we like to spend a good deal of time together, but yet can be on our own some nights without being in the ga-ga state of mind.
March 26th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
well said…people keep asking me why i think i’m single and i usually respond that i’m supposed to be. i’ve gone through quite a bit in the last year and most of it very selfishly motivated in the way that it’s been about my future. i wouldn’t have wanted to half-ass a relationship during that time, and i’ve lost the interest in playing around in the meantime.
that being said, i’d drop it all for half of you ladybloggers if given the chance:)
March 26th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I certainly agree that you have to love yourself first. And I think part of that involves doing the things you love to do (which for me generally don’t bring any men into my life). I’m just struggling not to feel like I’m wasting time by dating someone who isn’t “the one”.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I agree. It’s very difficult to learn, but it’s all true.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
hear hear. i actually LIKE being single a lot of the time -- i like the freedom, and i LIKE flirting with new people and going on dates and stuff -- but i have noticed that like BS, i’m getting less tolerant of relationships that i don’t think are “the one,” because it does seem like i’m just wasting time. and of course, if i was completely fine with being single, i wouldn’t care if i were wasting my time… whatever :-)
March 26th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I can speak to the wisdom of the “what’s the rush” on babies- John and I have been married 3 and a half years with no babies in sight, and no immediate plans for them- and that’s totally okay.
Occasionally people ask us why we’re waiting so long, or whether we worry that we’ll have trouble conceiving if and when we do decide to have kids, since I’ll be “older”- and it’s hard, hearing those things, not to feel a little defensive, but then we remind ourselves that we’re having a pretty awesome time spending several years enjoying our marriage before adding other parties to the mix!
March 26th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Yep.
March 26th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Oh, Nilsa. I love this post so very, very much.
Excuse me while I send it to ALL my single friends…
Especially this: “My approach to dating was all about enjoying life. Not about finding a partner. But about using the excuse of meeting someone new to try a new restaurant.”
YES, YES, and YES! Love it.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
This is a wonderful, amazing and important post Nilsa! Great advice for women (and men?) who are single.
But for those of you who are married, it isn’t too late. I have been married for 6 1/2 years with a 5 year old and a 3 year old and am now deeply discovering myself and learning to love and accept myself for who and what I am. And it is freeing even now.
Do I wish I could have done that when single? yes, but I do feel i was in that process, just took a little longer for me than most.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Hmmmm… If only I had your advice for way back when. Thank you Nilsa for sharing this!
I will take your advice to heart! :)
March 26th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Even as someone in a relationship I know exactly what you mean. I came to terms with most of what you wrote. That if for some reason I didn’t/don’t get married, it’s not the end of the world. If I can’t have kids, I’ll figure out a way to adopt. Etc, etc. I found myself, found my friends, found my family, found my dog and much more during my singledom. And I still do! the process of discovery is never over.
But I will admit once I was happy with ME and MY life, not what I thought I should be happy with, it all came together.
If something happened to my relationship with Irish, I know that I have a strong foundation with which to move forward (eventually, obviously).
great post (and sorry for the novel on your comment wall)
March 26th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Nilsa, i love love LOVE you for writing this amazing post. Honestly? What you write about is how I feel. In that, I may still be a 20-something, but one that can count the number of dates i’ve been on on one hand. it made me feel reaffirmed in what i see as potentially being MY life!
March 26th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I agree with you, but it’s easier said than done. I’m working on it…
March 27th, 2009 at 1:00 am
I love you for writing this. It’s everything I’m always trying to articulate to the younger gals in my life.
Amen, sister.
March 27th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Great post!
I don’t know that if I was single I’d do a very good job of following your advice, sadly. But I do really feel your point about having kids.
I’m not yet 30, but in a relationship where I probably won’t be married until that point. And then I’d like to have a couple (or many!) years of wedded bliss before kids. But biology tells us to get crackin’ and it puts unnecessary pressure on everything.
Here’s to overcoming the pressure!
March 27th, 2009 at 3:03 am
At first I thought I couldn’t get on board, since I’m married. But then I thought that part of the problem of getting married too early is that a lot of us don’t get the chance to get comfortable with themselves. I’m sure that I’m still not completely there, but I do my best to work on it every day!
March 27th, 2009 at 3:10 am
You have NO idea how much I needed to read this post. Okay, maybe you do. I am completely on board and may paste this all over my house, car, and office to remind myself that I need to be happy with me and the rest will fall into place — whatever “the rest” is.
It can be difficult when so many of my friends are getting married and having children. Some have waited years to start families and others only months. I need to remember not to feel pressured by their decisions and just because I am at that stage in my life doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me.
I am with Mr5280 on liking the fact that you and Sweets aren’t rushing to have children. That you remember that there is still life to be lived (travel, etc.).
Thank you so much for your sweet advice. I really, really, really appreciate it. :)
March 27th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
What’s funny is I feel more OK about not “actively dating” than a lot of people who are around me and bug me about dating. I’ll bet those same people would be giving me the advice you just did if I was complaining about dating. ha ha. I shut them up by saying I’m happy, and I truly mean that. At one point in my life i had that woe is me attitude and wondered when it would happen to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve started seeing friends my age getting divorced, mabye because I’ve seen friends my age getting life-threatening illnesses…life is just to short to be upset about circumstances in general. Sure I have crabby “days” about this or that, but in general, my happiness meter is on high, man or no man.
March 27th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
This is so what I needed to read. I am always trying to salvage what is dead because I’m afraid that that’s all that there is. I scared life is going to pass me by and that I’ll end up alone. I want so many things, but I get so tired of waiting for them. I waste so much time dreaming and looking for it that I forget that I just need to live.
You are amazing. Thank you so much.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Wow, Nilsa. I REALLY needed to read that. I am so glad I came here today. I have been struggling with this recently, and putting so much undue pressure on myself to get a jumpstart on these things simply because of biology. I think it’s so frustrating that we women have to deal with this time-line BS! I just want to live my life, and let things happen and flow as they will, yet I don’t want to waste these years and not wind up being the mother I’ve always dreamed of.
March 27th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Totally agree with you. The outside and inside pressures we have going on can get to be more obstacles than they are encouragement. Yes we need to have hope that whatever we want for our lives will happen whenever they’re supposed to, but we also have to see the whole picture and the infinite possibilities we have in life. Whatever we end up with, we need to be able to embrace that and be happy. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and how I do want to fall in love and have a family, but how I also absolutely love being single and on my own schedule. I hope when the time for change comes I’ll be ready for it, whatever that change may be.
March 28th, 2009 at 12:51 am
embarrassed to admit, but this post made me tear up a little. thank you for writing it. it IS great being single and i love the group of friends i’ve made and i love how much better i’ve gotten to know myself BUT there are still times i feel a little bit lonely. it’s always nice to hear that other people have been there too.
xo
March 29th, 2009 at 3:13 am
This is excellent excellent advice. I spent to many single years searching for the “one.” I should have just enjoyed myself more and had faith in the universe that “the one” was on his way.
March 29th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Excellent post. We have it drilled into our heads that we won’t ever be happy until we meet prince charming.
Once I let go of those silly ideas, I started to learn how to be happy with self. It sickens me to think that I thought that I could never be happy with MYSELF unless I found someone ELSE. What sense does that make?
Do I have my bad days? Of course. But I have dealt with the fact that I very well might be living my life by myself, and I am ok with that.
Plus, I have Trey. He’s the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, and his only bad habit is barking at the neighbors’ dogs.
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:36 am
I’ve seen a lot of women freak out about being single, and changing/compromising for fear they won’t find someone. I wrote a bit about it here:
Tina Fey Girls in the Rough, Listen Up