Isolation
There was a time in my life when I was a social lunatic. What I like to call my discovering the world phase. Not quite as on the ball as Alexa nor as outrageous as Maxie. But, I certainly had plans every week and throughout the weekend. Rarely did I sit still. I had many groups of friends with an array of interests. 15-mile run one morning. Baseball game one day. Local pub crawl one evening. Black tie fundraiser one night. My life certainly wasn’t planned to the max all the time, but I was definitely out and about. A lot.
And then I met Sweets. And got swept off my feet. And began my settling down phase. And while we socialized with many of my friends, some of my friends fell to the wayside. Namely, the group of girls who usually went out only with girls. Never had boyfriends. Very few were married. The perpetual single crowd. Who spent lots of money being social. And I just felt I no longer fit in with them (or maybe better stated, I could no longer afford fitting in with them). And so, as much as I adored those girls, my social priorities had changed. It was time to move on.
However, the upside of moving on was I felt that much closer to my core group of girlfriends. They stood up for us in our wedding. We took trips to visit them in other states. They became our social center. A very important circle of friends. It was sort of a form of natural selection. These were the people who had withstood the test of time and still maintained relevance in our lives. It was an honor to spend such saturated time with them week in and week out.
And then the wedding came and went. And next thing you know, I felt myself checking out.
Planning a wedding in our city, not my parents’ city, involved taking on the bulk of the responsibility. Creating the vision. Determining the options. And executing the final plan. There was so much involved in planning our wedding. I had exhausted myself. And needed a break. A break to begin my life with Sweets. A break to focus on nesting in our new home. A break to just come down from the crazy high we felt leading up to getting married. I term this our hibernation phase. A few months filled with as little planning as possible. A few months of low key nights in. A few months to regain our bearings. It didn’t hurt that these were winter months, where it’s easy to stay in.
And here we are a few months later. At the beginning of spring. A time of new beginnings. And yet, there’s a part of me that worries this hibernation phase will turn into an isolation phase. Isolated from those people who meant the most to us at this very time last year. There are many reasons why we could very well isolate us from our friends and family…
- Routine. We finally have one. I’m able to get in my workouts 3 days a week with a long run on the weekends (well, minus this whole being sick crap). I’ve got my work from home versus office schedule figured out. Sweets has worked out a schedule to spend time with his brother. We’ve figured out how to spend consistent time with his parents. We’re in a good groove. Albeit, a groove that doesn’t include regular interaction with our closest friends.
- Priorities. Let’s face it, my priorities began changing years ago when I first met Sweets. He’s my best friend. My confidante. My soul mate. He makes me laugh. He challenges my thinking. He lets me be me and embraces me for who I am. SoMi is our responsibility. And anyone who has owned a dog knows how much commitment they require. How much time they demand. How many times we have to choose them over something or someone else. My priorities are no longer as self-centered as they once were. Today, there’s less of me to go around.
- Laziness. To be honest, it takes effort to keep up with friends. And while I love and adore my friends, I feel like over the years I took on the role of queen organizer. I’m the one who often got groups together. I’m the one who brought different social circles together. I’m the one who usually initiated weekend plans. I loved it (at the time) and I think they came to expect me to take on that role. But, I’m ready for someone else to take over. And I just don’t think anyone else wants that role (who blames them, right?!). And so I find myself in the quandary of whether to put in more effort to see people more often or sit back on my heels and let once very good friendships simmer down.
And so here I am. Filled with lots of questions. And lots of options. And lots of potential. I don’t really have an answer to this place where I am. Countless times on other people’s blogs, I’ve used the word fluidity. Life is fluid. It’s constantly changing shape and form. Of all people, I get that. I get that friendships change as the world around them changes. And that sometimes I’ll feel closer to some people than I will to others. And it doesn’t necessarily diminish the importance of those people in my life. It just means things might be a wee bit different at that particular snapshot in time. But, I kinda hate the feeling that the responsibility rests on my shoulders to keep things moving in a forward position.
For now, I continue to contemplate this place where I am. And maybe when the flowers begin to bloom. When the sun both lightens and warms my days. When it feels like spring is in full swing. I will find more clarity. More direction. And maybe even a little more motivation to leave the isolation behind in preference of togetherness.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I hear you.
I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating this issue too, and I think the key is to find a balance. At one end of the spectrum is a jam packed social schedule, which I think is only natural to mature out of once life becomes more stable and settled (and thank goodness for that, because I just don’t have the energy to party the way I used to!) But at the other end is isolation, which I don’t think is healthy either.
In my own life, what I’ve found most helpful is to find a balance between the two extremes. I carve out a place in my life for friends and we spend time together each week, but I also allow myself to turn down invitations from time to time. I like routine, so I have standing dinner plans with some friends one night per week, lunch with another friend, etc.
Sometimes life gets too busy and I find myself feeling unmotivated to make plans or invite friends over for dinner. But, I do it anyway because they’re treasured friends and I know I’ll enjoy myself once we’re actually together.
Here’s hoping that spring will bring out a little bit of the social butterfly in you :)
March 31st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I definitely agree with Miss Musing about finding balance. In the months since we go married I’ve found the same thing, we’ve been feeling more and more like we just want to relax together after having run the house/moving twice in one year/puppies/wedding gauntlet. A few weeks ago I tried to ‘catch up’ by going out 8 days in a row and then kind of collapsed for a week to recover.
For me, going out with friends about twice a week is the perfect balance. I still feel really connected, and for me it’s about finding the people in your life who energize you and spending your time with them.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
how does that Beatles quote go?
Theres nowhere you can be that isnt where you’re meant to be…
March 31st, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I know you and I have previously discussed the whole moving on from your social crew once you settle down. As much as I understand it and respect it, I hate it and think it is funamentally unfair.
Oh well, it is life.
And as much as I say I want to settle down and find my own verison of Sweets, your post scares me. I love my active life. I love going away for the weekend on whim and meeting the girls for drinks on a random Wednesday happy hour. I don’t want to give that up for a man and I wouldn’t want any man to give up his life for me.
I suppose that means that I am just not ready yet…
I am glad that happy and comfortable. You are lucky couple.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I completely agree… this is a hard subject. For me, it’s usually easier to get in to a “friend routine” with fellow marrieds or those in serious relationships. Swinging singles are too much for my grandma ways. (And sidenote on the dog -- I am continually shocked with how much attention and time Tula requires. BIG difference from parakeets).
March 31st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I totally get where you are coming from, times and situations change the weay we look at things and were we ant to be.
right now you and Sweets are still newlyweds, you have figured out your routines and enjoy spending time together. That is okay, you have the right to hibernate for a while.
Can you and your girl friends schedule time in the spring to get together something easy like cocktails out or pedi’s. That way you can get together, catch up, get your girlfriend batteries re-charged for the warmer months.
sometimes you just need a push to start.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
That regular groove is something that most humans crave and need, even if there are times when it seems that groove is also known as mundane.
It’s good to change it up here and there (like a night out with friends) just to tell yourself, “things can be different every so often”
March 31st, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I thought we were the only ones struggling with this. With the path my life has taken, it has lead me to be a very quiet person. Which is strange, because in elementary school, I was coined the talker. My 5th grade teachers warned my middle school teachers before I even got there. I had a stigmata and there was nothing I could do about it. Then, I fell in with a crowd where creating bonds weren’t really what was important but doing drugs, and who did what with who was. So unfortunately, I didn’t come away from highschool with lifelong tightknit friendships. I think that’s why these blog friendships are so important to me. I feel like you guys really know me, and at the same time, I don’t feel pressured to hang out with anyone. Am I alone in this?
March 31st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
You know, this is one of the things I hate about shows like Sex and the City. Shows that make it look like maintaining the same relationship with your girlfriends is possible, regardless of what else is going on in your life. It’s just not the truth. Your life has been filled with change and adapting lately, and it’s only natural that your friendships will change too.
I think it’s OK for some friendships to completely fade away and that we shouldn’t feel guilty for it. A friend’s place in your life has changed so it’s natural that the interaction might change. One of my very best friends and I rarely see each other outside of lunch once a week. We’re still close, but our relationship has adapted and that hour is as refreshing and revitalizing as a weekend of bar hopping was 5 years ago.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I completely understand this feeling as well. When we were married, we did it in Vegas (nice, not cheesy) and from that moment, we broke the mold of our previous traditions. Since then, we moved and set our own routines in a new town and all of those things you mentioned? I felt them all too.
It was always easier for me to sink into my home life routine and not reach out to new people and/or make new groups of girlfriends even though…I regret that a lot.
I hope you get your social groove back, Stella.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I’ve gone through this too, and then moving to Denver exacerbated it, because, um, I don’t know anyone here, really. I’ve had a few casual social engagements with bloggers, friends of friends, etc., but that’s it. It’s definitely weird. But there are some friend visits coming up and I’m hoping that will help.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Maybe it’s no longer about quantity but quality. Those people still matter so making the time to spend one-on-one time with them is important. But maybe you see them less frequently but when you do, you make that time count. Many of my best friends live in CA and yet we’ve remained close even though I live hundreds of miles away. It takes effort but even an email or phone call once in a while can keep the friendship going. I’ve found it takes a lot less than I once thought it did.
March 31st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I could have written this post. I too went from social planner/butterfly to content married girl. I was really happy with the isolation phase for a while. After all I was isolated with my best friend; what more could a gal want?
But then we moved here and I realized I should have spent more time with my Nashville friends. I miss those people and should have spent more time with them when I could. Now I have to rely on emails and Facebook. (God love ya, internet!)
So what’s my point?
I guess I don’t have one except I get what you’re saying and that while it takes work to find that balance between home with your hubby and the occassional outing with your friends, I think it’s worth it. In no way have I mastered it yet, but I do think it’s worth it!
March 31st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
This is a beautiful post in so many ways!
I never had a social-bug group of friends, so I can’t really relate very well…but I think that there needs to be a mix of activities, and while schedules are great…sometimes I need to change it up. Do something completely spontaneous and a bit crazy.
xox
March 31st, 2009 at 3:29 pm
i can really relate to this post on many levels.
like you, i have always been the organizer of the group, the one to set the plans, book trips, make reservations, initiate it all. and while so often im in love with this role, after a while, it gets a bit tiring. id love for someone to take the load off my shoulders and take the reigns from time to time, but i think people have grown accustomed to each of their roles in our friendy circle, and aren’t about to up and switch it up. it’s tricky to make that change.
then again, things do change, people change, friendships change shape and take on new meanings. finding a balance and a newness to it all can be tricky at times, but with some patience and understanding (of yourself and others), i think these things work themselves out as they are supposed to.
March 31st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
i’m definitely a social lunatic. it’s a rare night i don’t have plans, and a rare weekend when i don’t have multiple plans per day.
my social group is so varied, though -- my friends aren’t all friends with each other, so to see any of them regularly i have to have a lot of social engagements.
add in my pole class, frisbee starting up again this week, and girls’ night on tuesdays w/my core girls and dating new boys.. and.. well.. i’m a busy girl :-)
March 31st, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Your post resonates with me as well, because I have gone through the same thing. Particularly with friendships that didn’t have the strongest bond to begin with and then a change in dynamics just pushed it over the edge.
I frequently found myself choosing to stay home, even when it’s just me and the dogs, because that’s my priority now. Like others, I try to make sure that I’m having some balance and I’m talking to friends at least once a day -- but I don’t see them as much and I don’t want to be depended on as the go-to social chair for everything.
But that’s fluidity, just like you said. That’s why we can’t hang on to things too hard, because nothing is meant to last forever. Everything changes all the time and we have to learn to be okay with it and adapt -- which for me at least -- is not easy all the time.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I don’t “do friends” anymore, not really anyway. I have Mr. P, and for 335 days a year, that is perfect and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
The other 30 days I think…you know, he is ANNOYING and hurt my feelings, and a girl’s night would be awesome, but then it’s the next day and I am back to Mr. P. We have been married 20 years, and it seemed to happen overnight.
I have my highschool girlfriends that I have one weekend with every summer, and I reconnected with my college girlfriends (in part, due to your urging on my blog), and I am good there. My sister is moving to my town and that will definitely widen my social circle to include her and a 3 year old. :)
March 31st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
wow our posts are very similar today! i’m glad we can connect on yet another issue! lol
March 31st, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I think everyone goes through evolutionary changes in friendship patterns over the years.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I could write a novel in response to this. I don’t know how people continue at the “single” pace when they enter into relationships. It’s exhausting to keep all the balls in the air. I’ve been struggling with this a lot in the last year and a half, and I know if I get married, I’ll struggle even more.
I don’t think you ever lose the title of organizer if you’ve carved out that position for yourself. It sucks, but it’s true. So my remedy to the isolation is to try to organize something with a group of friends -- or one friend I haven’t seen in awhile -- once a month. Sometimes it’s dinner; sometimes just a phone call. It’s sad these things have to be scheduled, but I think that’s the world we live in now.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:18 pm
It takes a lot of time just to get through the basics of life. It’s an extra effort to socialize, and not always welcome. I also have had friends that always waited for me to make the plans. I decided a few years ago to stop chasing those friendships. I think they ended up balancing out on their own. I don’t believe I lost any friends that way.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I LOVE this.
I’m right in the middle of it… struggling to make time to hang out with my single girls, who I don’t want to lose… but as you said… the minute I met B, my social priorities changed. And like you said, money began to be spent in different ways… all my friends who want me to come visit them in LA or CO or Vegas? Yeah, a year ago I would have hopped on a plane. Now… well, there’s only so much “vacation fund,” and two people deciding where to go. It changes things, whether I like it or not.
The thing is, I kind of like it. It’s just so hard to find the right balance. I’m glad you found yours… I’m still looking for mine.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:20 am
I totally hear you on this topic. I’m in a weird spot of being settled (but not married) and not a social lunatic. Normally I don’t mind going out on the weeknights but lately, I like that time to veg because work get so stressful.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:06 am
i love that i’m “on the ball” and maxie is outrageous. this is very fitting actually. haha
you know you are going to be on the ball with me in june when i come to chicago!
April 1st, 2009 at 3:08 am
I’m so glad that I seem outrageous on the internet! If only I could be as crazy in real life :-) (i promise, I’m really boring)
April 1st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Well said.
I’ve never been a social lunatic, but as my friends and I have settled down into marriage or serious relationships, we are all equally putting one another on the back burner. I see it happening, and it makes me sad, but on the flip side, I like routine, and sadly they don’t fit into it (and I probably don’t fit into theirs!), so it’s hard to break the mold. Laziness is also a factor…we all say “oh let’s hang out” and then we don’t. No one steps up to make plans until far too much time has passed.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
It’s so easy to get into a routine and fall away from the things you use to do and people you use to see. It takes an extra effort to find something new to do and to actually do it.
Don’t let it get you down though. Pick out one day out of the week, each and every week, and try to do something new. Even if it’s just trying a new restaurant or going for a stroll in an area you’ve never been before (when the stupid weather warms up). It helps give you a bit of a vacation from the routine.
I hope spring hurries up. I find people everywhere, including myself, getting into this funk.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
good post! I empathize with where you’re at. Life is full of these kinds of cycles. I have a feeling with the crappy winter you’ve had, a lot of your single social friends were hibernating too. Suggest things to them that fit more into your lifestyle now, but something they might enjoy too. Like meeting for a walk near the lake and coffee after. You’re being social but you’re not hittin’ the club scene.
I kind of do that now with the volleyball group. I rarely go out. I’ll play and maybe go grab a bite to eat or a beer after, but once I’m home and had a shower, I like to put on sweats and just chill and watch TV. Sometimes it’s hard to even muster up energy to go see a move.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I totally get the point of this post. It is easy to isolate yourself when you have a routine with your new best friend and soul mate, the person you are with for life. For me it’s hard because we see a lot of his frinds more often than we see mine. And my best friends are either all engaged, married or in new serious relationships so it’s a challenge! I push through though and it sounds like you will too =)
April 1st, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I like this post so much. It’s so honest, and you’re touching on something we all go through and feel. It’s universal. It’s nesting, and the comfort that goes along with being TRULY happy and content. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 am
When I lived in downtown Chicago I had something EVERY night. Volleyball (indoor & outdoor), flag football, happy hours, etc. I have NO idea how I had the energy for it, but I was single so I had the time.
I hear you about the nesting stuff- it's nice to just come home to your hubby and relax. However, if these friends were really important to you, it's important to keep up those friendships. I am like you- the "cruise director" of my friends. Always getting people from my different groups together and always planning things. Can't do that much where I currently live though….
I think that it is important to work at friendships all the time, so even seeing friends once every two weeks is a good balance from not seeing them at all!
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:25 am
Loved your thoughts! I experienced that early on in my marriage to James. There is nothing wrong with re-defining the parameters of your friendships with people as you go forward. Maybe you get together with some of the singles once a month or once a quarter. Maybe you create new friendships that foster your marriage. Maybe your old friends bond with the new and you do dinners or meet at restaurants or go bowling or something that involves face-to-face, but no major time investments on your part. The whole thing is that your “old friends” should love and appreciate YOU and value your friendship for being just what it is. Maybe you go on an annual “girls only trip.” Maybe not, but bottom line is don’t feel guilty about moving forward in life. Don’t seclude or force yourself to be something you associate pain to (organizer). Some friendships are meant to for a reason, season and lifetime. Each relationship will show where it falls!