Preaching
I love a good rant from time to time. You know, when someone falls off the rocker. Goes pedal to the metal on something that is driving them mad. Sometimes says stuff that’s totally unrealistic. And maybe even unfounded. But, they’re so worked up, they have to get it out of their system. It helps them work out whatever ails them. And might even give you a good laugh along the way.
I’m there. Sort of. I mean, I need to rant. But, I haven’t yet fallen off the rocker (or at least I don’t think I have). So, I will hopefully provide a true Nilsa spin to the fine art of the rant. You know, be a wee bit intellectual about it. Give an example. Reasons why I’m justified in thinking the way I think. And if you laugh a little along the way, it’s ok. Because, I promise, I get a good laugh out of other people’s rants, too.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE PREACH.
You think I’m talking about the obvious. About a rabbi or pastor or priest. Well, not really. I mean, I might not buy into the whole organized religion thing. But, my feelings in that arena are a far cry from hate (and the parts that I do hate, well I’m not going to talk about them here … at least not most of them).
What I mean is, I hate when you put your beliefs onto others. And expect others to listen, digest and agree. I hate when you talk to me as if you’re an expert. You tell me your way is right. Thereby implying my way is wrong. You may count on your fingers all the ways your way, your opinion, your very biased view is the way it should be. You are convinced that it’s the way it should be. You are not willing to budge. That’s the kind of preaching I really detest.
I’m not talking about the right to murder here. There are some lines clearly drawn in the sand.
But, when it comes to many things that we encounter in the world, the lines are fuzzy. Or not drawn at all. And just because you think something should be one way doesn’t mean the world around you needs to adopt that view. Especially when the subject of what you’re talking about matters not to the well-being of the world around you.
Want an example? OK, here’s one: Mint ice cream. You love mint ice cream. You think there should be no other flavors other than mint ice cream. You walk into an ice cream store with a friend and strongly suggest (more like command) they try the mint ice cream. Because it’s out of this world. Nothing else compares. You’ve tried so many mint ice creams; you would be one to know that *this* mint ice cream is the best. The balance of cream to mint with that sprinkle of chocolate chunks – it’s orgasmic! You push and push and push your friend to get this mint ice cream. To prove how correct you are.
But, did you consider that your friend might not like mint ice cream (even *this* mint ice cream)? Or that your friend is allergic to green food coloring? Or that your friend might like moose tracks ice cream better? Or that your friend just had mint ice cream yesterday and doesn’t want a repeat today? And worst of all, how does the type of ice cream your friend orders have anything to do with you, your life or your self-worth? There are countless reasons why mint ice cream isn’t right for your friend. And there are equally as many reasons why you should just back-off. Because guess what? People who preach don’t always know the whole picture.
Laugh at my example. I meant it to be harmless. But, you get the picture. Or do you? Here’s my thing with people who preach. They are often one-sided about it. They look at the world from their perspective. From how they were raised. From where they live. From the people they’ve met. From the experiences they’ve had. And they put that on everyone else around them. They fail to consider that other people have a different set of life experiences. A different set of beliefs. And when they determine their beliefs, they fail to embrace the differences that other people might have on such a belief.
Let me add onto that argument that people who preach fail to consider the world around them. People who preach also fail to compromise. By not considering the world around them, their solutions to what’s wrong with the world are insular. Their solution may work in one situation, but not others. In fact, their solution would probably fail in most other situations.
And, because they refuse to compromise, people who preach come off as holier than thou. There’s a problem with this situation. As a friend recently said, people on high horses should worry about falling off. And it’s true. No one is so much better than others that they have a right to sit up there, all high and holy, preaching to others how the world should be.
*Shudder* What an ugly circumstance. But, kids, I’m not a hater. If you can believe it, I’m a lover. And I really do believe that we should all be entitled to our own beliefs. I really do. But, I also strongly believe we shouldn’t push those beliefs on others, especially when others might not be so open to them. That’s not to say we can’t share our beliefs with others. But, there’s a big difference between engaging people in conversation, a two-way dialogue, than there is telling a person that what you believe is right. Because pushing beliefs, like pushing drugs or daisies, is a place we really shouldn’t aim to land.
Lately, there have been a number of situations in my life where belief pushing has taken precedence. It took place with family. It took place with a friend. And it took place with a complete stranger (dude, you really should keep those religious, churchy pamphlets to yourself, especially after I tell you I’m Jewish!). A lack of consideration for where I come from. For my experiences. For my beliefs. An inability to listen to what I’m saying as you push forward with what you want to accomplish. In trying to keep the peace, I back down. I wind up pushing my beliefs to the side in exchange for a polite smile and a nod. Or even worse, in only partially standing up for my beliefs, I blurt out half-assed remarks that leave plenty of room for misinterpretation.
So, right here. Right now. Let’s make some changes. You know, a COM-PRO-MISE. You promise to revise your approach to something that feels more like a conversation than a militaristic command and I promise I’ll be more open to what you have to say. I promise I won’t shut down. I think we’ll both be happier with the results. Deal?
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:30 am
My mother in law is like that. With big topics and also the ice cream kind. Would you believe my choice of pizza toppings was “wrong” because “no one” should put that on pizza? (Pineapple in case you are wondering) And she is serious. She has an opinion on everythng and hers is always correct even when she contradicts herself later. Then her new opinion is right. I do love her, and this wasn’t meant to be a rant about her just that it is frustrating when someone has a belief and won’t even listen to the other side at all. Or listens but isn’t really listening because they are so set in their ways.
I am just about as opposite of this as you can get. In fact, my opinions on things are always changing based on new information I get which may make me seem flakey but at least I am not stuck thinking my way is the only way.
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 am
Now I’m curious to know if something happened with you and someone else.
It’s like my boyfriend says, with people such as these who are basically not willing to listen to your side of anything, there’s really not need to waste your energy and argue with them. Because they are going to keep thinking their way is the best and want to force it on others. I’d say keep smiling and nodding and do what you want to do.
But I really think you should try that mint ice cream. ;)
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:58 am
I am like that with the route taken from point A to point B. For example, I drive to my dad’s house taking highway 46 -- every time. I know this is the fastest way -- the best way. But the other day I was in the car with my step brother and he drove using a different interstate. I nearly lost my mind. I bit my tongue, but I was honestly wiggling in my seat thinking how stupid he could be to take the interstate. In the end it took exactly the same amount of time to get to the house.
And I know I am like that with driving other places too. I somehow decide which route is the best and God forbid if the person I am driving with takes a different way.
I realize it is stupid, but it is a control thing I guess. At least I try not to lecture the drive. Too much. ;-)
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:07 am
AMEN! (Pardon the pun) I call those the “I’m right, you’re stupid” people b/c that seems to be their only logic. I would gladly debate politics or religion or whatnot if I ever felt like other people were willing to listen. But often in those situations, people just want to talk--to preach!
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:33 am
Mint ice cream really IS the best flavor in the whole world. I’m kidding of course, but I have had experience with people who preach from time to time and mostly I think they have good intentions and are just overly zealous in relaying their opinions. It is annoying though -- I find myself disengaged from those (one-way) conversations and looking for escape routes!
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:40 am
I could not agree with you more. Especially when people shove it down your throat and want YOU to believe everything THEY’RE saying and agree and yet will not even listen to anything YOU have to say.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
Again, interesting rant! I can’t stand mint ice cream or overzealous nuts either, even if I’m one of them!!! LOL OK, JK.
I think that people get so excited or dead set on their ideas that they forget what it’s like to have a different opinion. Sometimes I even think they have good intentions and feel like their “information” has so changed and enhanced their lives that they want to share so that others can experience the same joy or excitement they feel about the topic they are enthused about. However, there is a fine line between being doggedly determined to convince someone your way is the only right way and enthusiastically expressing your joy with a certain subject.
I am pretty much a cut and dry, black or white type person, however I do take the time to listen to others, whether I agree or not. If I buy into what they are saying, hey, explain on. If not, I quickly shut ‘em down and let them know that I appreciate their info, but I’m just not interested and for them to have a great day.
Anyway, that’s my 2 cents!
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 am
Compromise is definitely lacking in this world. I don’t get why people get so ATTACHED to their way except if it makes them feel safer? Not that that is a valid excuse but I think too many people live out of fear.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 am
I think this is why I usually only ever talk about my personal experience with thing. Everyone’s experience is different. I do get preachy when it comes to death and people trying to relate. If only to be helpful to the next person you say something stupid to.
With that said, the best line I ever learned when confronted with someone who won’t back down is, “That just doesn’t work for me.” That is a conversation ender. And if you repeat it enough times, they do tend to get the message.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:25 am
I totally agree- when did diatribes become preferable to dialogue?
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:11 am
I’m a lover to and as a result often push aside my thoughts, feelings or opinions to avoid the situation escalating or when I realize the other person is never going to understand where I’m coming from. Super frustrating, but true. I’m learning that sometimes it’s okay to tell the other person upfront that we are going to have to “Agree to disagree,” and in some sense I feel that’s a kind of compromise, right?
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 am
THANK YOU. This is brilliant. This is my number one pet peeve OMG. Just leave me ALONE. If there were one right answer, everyone would ALREADY KNOW.
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:53 am
Fortunately, I don’t have a lot of preachers in my life. But I do have some KNOW-IT-ALLS, which is equally annoying.
My current peeve is when I’m talking about my wedding. I truly am interested in others’ experiences, really. But there is one friend who can’t just LISTEN to me, she always has to talk about her OWN engagement and and her OWN wedding and how SHE did things. And then there’s another super annoying person I can’t stand who never listens to what you say, just always has to top it with a story of her own. I just think that’s so disrespectful.
Now, I am a very strong-willed person with some clearly defined opinions myself :) But, I really try to be aware of when I’m getting too judgey-sounding.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Add voting into this equation and you have a recipe for disaster. (See: certain propositions in California last November…)
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Indeed! The thing I’ve been encountering lately: people commenting on how I live and handle my life, and all of my problems (which include unemployment, chronic illness, and a host of other things), without any request on my part for advice or information.
I think there are some things you just shouldn’t offer advice on unless asked. Well, I think MOST things are like that. Preaching is closely related to “judging people” — and don’t we have enough to worry about in our own lives without worrying about other people? I know I do.
Also, your ice cream analogy reminded me of something I learned a long time ago in a literary theory class: there are some things that you can’t “prove” — if someone says his fave ice cream flavor is chocolate, you can’t prove he’s wrong. It comes down to personal preference. And much of how we handle what life throws at us is the same.
A friend of mine recently lost her mother to cancer. And her aunt has been telling her that she isn’t “grieving the right way” — how does that make any sense? We all grieve and handle life differently. There isn’t any right or wrong way; we’re all just doing the best we can.
That being said… I’ve been known to judge people and rant and rave. But it’s not what I *aspire* to be, and I’m working on it.
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Great post! Many people in my family act like this (well, mostly extended), so I just have to aovoid them. It sucks though. It’s usually about food, exercise and television. Yes… television. How awful I am for not watching it.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
How DARE you insinuate that some people don’t like mint ice cream. Just who do you think you are? ;-)
Great post, Nilsa!
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
As always a great post, Nilsa. Having someone else’s beliefs pushed down my throat is never fun. I think (at least I hope) I’m more of a live and let live type of person. I know (and am learning) what works and what doesn’t work for me. What works for me, doesn’t work for everyone else and thats ok. I do though have moments where I can be preachy too, but I’m trying hard to curb those.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Well said.
You are so spot on about people who preach are the same people who don’t listen.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I think this is the gentlest rant I have ever read :)
September 2nd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I completely agree, with you, Nilsa! I grew up in a very religious family, and was surrounded by “preachers.” I can’t say that I myself was one to preach, but I was very closed-minded…unwilling to compromise -- simply because I was raised that way. Thankfully, as an adult, and living in real-life situation and getting a college education completely opened my mind. I don’t think anyone is entitled to push their beliefs on anyone else -- what works for one person may be entirely wrong for another! (Including mint ice cream -- I personally don’t even LIKE ice cream!)
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
As a seminary graduate and pastor’s wife, I am totally aware of how a small amount of Christians (or other religious folk) can ruin the whole batch with their extremism. And make all Christians look equally freaky. Or equally pushy. Heck, even my own father-in-law is still trying to convert me to his flavor of Christianity (I am not a mint chocolate chip kind of girl). He takes no time to ask me how I feel on certain subjects, but rather preaches at me (AT me, the MDiv holder here) about what’s right and wrong (not that I am an expert on what is right and wrong, but I would never try to tell him how to approach his professional field).
One of the main lessons I left seminary with was the best approach to starting a CONVERSATION (not damnation) with someone of a different conviction (or lack thereof, that’s cool too). What do you do? Nothing -- you listen. When someone feels like they have been told what to think or they don’t feel safe in expressing their beliefs, the conversation, trust, and respect can go nowhere. Instead, if more people (including Christians!) started by listening, there would be less damnation and more proclamation.
This may also open a whole can of worms, but this also brings me to the topic of “salvation.” No one wants to be told they are wrong. Everyone would like to believe that what they hold dear is THE right way -- at least for them. This weekend I visited a very popular church in LA. The pastor was talking about having conversations with people of difference religious persuasions and suggested we ask them “if they would want to know that they are wrong.” Woah dude, my radar went off. Who are you to tell someone they are wrong? Isn’t that God’s job? I get a kick out of religious folk (Christians very included) who have this criterion for how people will and will not be accepted in Heaven. Where did they get that list, and who made them the authority? When people say that others will not go to heaven because of X,Y, and Z, they forget a little detail: they are not God. Do I personally believe that Jesus is the way to heaven? Yes. I am not going to be shy about that. But do I believe that Jesus won’t let my buddies who didn’t believe in Jesus into heaven? TOTALLY NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE! The Bible says we are Saved by Grace, not works. End of story.
::stepping down from anti-preaching soap box now, how ironic::
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Amen to that. ;-)
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I hate these people!! After a while of trying to reason with someone, I just give up. That’s no way to have a conversation. I hope that you don’t have too many of these people in your life!
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:36 pm
All I have to say is…ditto!
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I’ve always liked to think of myself as an open-minded person. I try to be open to different views, and it always surprises me when everyone else isn’t the same way. People who preach and never stop to listen are missing out. I can also rant, but that’s ok, because I’m always right! :)
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
love this!
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Amen to this! You just described one of my co-workers to a TEE. And I totally know how you feel.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I had the unfortunate experience of “breaking up” with one of my best friends because of her preaching.
The preachers never seem to realize the extent to which they are forcing their own opinions on everyone else. I have often found it easier to stay mute about my own opinions then deal with the wrath of disagreeing.