Open
The other day, Lisa and I had an email discussion about blogs. She started the conversation with this question:
How do you go about encouraging actual comments on your blog? It feels like the “blogosphere” generally values quantity over quality, and this is one of the things that has always discouraged me. After seeing blogs with 50+ “You’re awesome!” or “I love you!” comments, I can see how some people get the impression that blogging is a narcissistic navel-gazing exercise. You seem to avoid the empty comment trap. How do you do it?
After a few moments of a slyly grinning, patting myself on the back and winking at myself in the mirror I keep next to my desk (ha, I kid), I pondered what she said. I quickly remembered many months ago when my dad started reading my blog. As I’ve mentioned this week, he tends to call me out on stuff, but generally via email and not in the comments section. In one of his first emails to me, he said (not verbatim) that the comments I get on my blog tend to be chest-bumping, high-fiving and over the top complimentary. Coming from a guy who doesn’t visit the blogosphere all that often, I’d say he was pretty darn insightful.
We are a bunch of you-can-do-it kind of people. We encourage others in their quests to lose weight, get over depression, plan a wedding, have babies. We often come to this space looking for the support we may be lacking in other areas in our lives. And generally speaking, that’s fantastic. Especially when people really need support for going through tough times.
But, what about when you read that blog post that just doesn’t sit right with you. Maybe you see the bigger picture where the blogger doesn’t. Maybe you sense they’re going down the wrong road. And maybe you just don’t agree with their opinions. Then what? I have a sense most of us tend to give the high-fives anyway. Or we just don’t comment at all. It’s like we’re scared of something. Of hurting others. Of being rejected by them for our dissenting views. And that’s a real shame.
Here at SoMi Speaks, I’ve always encouraged an open dialogue. I love it when people share views that are different from mine. And, not that my views are professional or that you should try them at home, but here are the things I find helps keep the dialogue open and encourages others to speak their mind.
My approach to writing. When I sit down to write about my opinion, I not only state why I believe what I believe, but I try address other sides to the issue (and why I might not agree with them). I try to acknowledge that my line of reasoning isn’t necessarily the right way. Or the only way. It’s just my way. I think being vocal about those things in my writing encourages people with dissenting views to feel comfortable with their beliefs, even if they are different than mine. And eventually those people will begin sharing those beliefs through their comments.
I respond to comments via personal emails. Especially to the comments from people who disagree with me. I want to acknowledge that I’ve read and digested their thoughts. I also want to let them know why I still disagree with them. Or, in some cases, I want to thank them for enlightening me regarding something I hadn’t previously considered. Because the fact of the matter is I don’t know everything and new information could sway me to think in other ways. This personal outreach makes people feel their comments are important and heard.
I am genuinely open to changing my mind. If someone brings up a point that I had not previously considered. Or shows why my reasoning is flawed. I am definitely open to revising my stance. In fact, I am grateful for the opportunity to learn a little more about the world around me and my place in that world. Being open to change encourages people to share differences with you.
Finally, I’m an active and honest commenter on other blogs. If I think you’re crazy for doing something. Or if I think you’re not considering the bigger picture. Or if I think you’re looking at life in a bubble and need to open your mind to the worldly possibilities, I’ll be the first to tell you. Having said that, I’m not a jackass when I comment (or at least I try not to be). I carefully word my comments to open people’s minds versus to attack them or tell them they’re wrong.
Cumulatively, I think people come to understand my place in the blogosphere (and world beyond). I’m level headed and willing to give people a chance. I think that fosters a really safe environment for others to speak their mind. And in return, most people who comment on my blog are very thoughtful. Kind. Even when they think I’m full of the Crazy and want to call me out on my shots.
So tell me, are you the type of person who will call out another blogger when you dissent from their view? Does it depend on the type of person that blogger is (i.e., open versus closed to the dissenting views)? Are you an open and honest blogger on your own blog? If not, why not? What makes it easier for you to speak your mind, both on your own blog and within the comment section on others?
October 13th, 2009 at 7:55 am
First I love this little space that you’ve carved out for yourself and admire the commenters who come and share their views, whether those are the same or different from yours. While my own opinions generally fall close to yours, if I had a different view I wouldn’t feel hesitate to share it. When visiting other blogs, if I disagree with something they’ve written I try to word it so its not an attack but rather simply a dissenting view. I am open and honest in my blog and usually when I’m writing its because I want peoples opinions. I want people to be honest in their comments, not to just pat me on the back.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Just did a little soul searching, and if I’m honest I think I’m someone who would, in most cases, keep quiet if I disagree with something I read on a blog. This isn’t always true, but I think it stems from my natural disposition to avoid conflict. I’m learning to be more assertive in real life, so hopefully that will spill over to the Internet too. :)
October 13th, 2009 at 8:00 am
So many good questions!! Personally, I love the commentors who DON’T do the high-fiving, who write something thought-provoking and challenging and insightful, who make me pause for just a moment and mutter to myself, “Huh. Why didn’t I think of that?” (Of course, the high-fiving is nice, too, though.)
I think I am a pretty open and honest blogger, both on my blog and in the comments of others. Why be otherwise?? If I disagree with someone, I don’t aim to start a fight—but, I will share my dissenting opinion. Isn’t that why we’re here in the first place?? To share our opinions, whether they’re agreeing nor disagreeing?
That said, I can’t stand the bloggers/commenters who are chronically negative and trying to start a fight. Come on. It’s a BLOG. Yeah, I care about it, but not enough to spin my wheels indefinitely trying to defend myself.
As always, lady, wonderful post! :)
October 13th, 2009 at 8:03 am
You posed a very though provoking topic today. For me, I tend to hold back a bit on my blog there are some topics that I would love to go off on and expose some of my deep personal issues on that space. But I am fearful, in part, because I question would it be too much of me exposed? What are the consequences vs. what are the rewards? Who would I hurt?
I tend to be myoptic in my writing, more neutral than though provoking. It has been something that I have been thinking about a lot lately.
As far as commenting, I often tend to express my point of view but sometimes I am not well versed in the topic and that steers me away. However, some blogs have encouraged me to go out and learn more.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I think for me it depends on the person/blogger and the tone of the other people that leave comments. If I feel like I will be attacked for disagreeing, I will click away and not comment but maybe send an email with my view. I feel like as long as people are respectful, disagreeing and talking things out is great. I also think too often in the blog world people either don’t comment when they disagree (which is a shame because then people get skewed opinions on things and think the majority agree when that isn’t true) or comment rudely because they have the ability to be anonymous. I think as in life it is difficult for people to feel like they can be honest without being hurtful. But, like I tell my kids, sometimes lying or telling someone you agree when you don’t is actually more harmful than disagreeing respectfully and actually trying to see someone elses view on things. How else can you learn and grow if you only see things from your own point of view?
October 13th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Gah! Trying not to write something that only reeks of “great job!!!!”
My blog commenting philosophy is similar to my Facebook commenting philosophy. If I want to give a virtual high five to the writer or to another commenter, I will do it publicly. If I disagree, I’ll point out what I disagree with in the comments and continue to monitor the comments to see if I should jump back in to defend my position.
I write a stepmom blog and most of my readers are also steps of some sort so we tend to cheer each other on.However, there have been instances where someone has written something that reminds me to look at a different perspective to which I’ll sometimes respond to in the comments as well. Sometimes, like today, I’ll write a blog post about the emotions a string of comments stirred up.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:42 am
No more nice comments for you, one year! (I kid, don’t worry.)
Honestly, it depends on my day/mood/timeframe. If I have the time to leave a well-thought out repsonse that dissents from their views, I will. Otherwise, I may not comment not because I don’t have an opinion but I don’t want to come across as rude or ignorant.
I’m an open and honest blogger, I think, though I tend to leave some of the “big life,” stuff out of my blog here and there just because sometimes I don’t want other people’s opinions or support. (That probably sounds bad, but I can’t share my ENTIRE life with the blog world, but thankfully I’ve developed many close relationships with my friends I’ve met this way via email.)
October 13th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I don’t tend to disagree with people in comments, no. a) I am a scaredy cat who runs from confrontation of any kind, and b) I see most blogs as personal space. It’s where a person should feel safe to write whatever they feel, without people jumping out of the woodwork and going ‘You’re wrong/stupid’ etc. Not that that’s how I would ever word it if I were to say something, but people do, and I wouldn’t want to be seen as one of those people. I should try leaving a comment where I disagree, and see how it goes.
I’m not fully honest in my blogging either. Family and friends read it, so before I hit ‘post’ I always think how it will come across to them. I censor my feelings because if I don’t my mother will worry. Stupid things like that. Which kinda goes against the whole point of having a blog, and I’m working on that.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I think most people HAVE NOT mastered the art of disagreeing on the web, and come off sounding like assholes. I do agree that blogosphere comments are overwhelmingly positive, but I usually try to keep mine that way. I already have enough negative encounters in my own life, why would I search for them on the web? If my opinion differs, and it is a blogger I regularly read, and they are open, I may try to say something, but overall, if I disagree with someone the majority of the time, I am not going to comment. I am going to unsubscribe from their blog.
Overall, it’s not my mission in life to change other people. Unless it’s an issue that really disturbs me to the core, I am going to let people be who they are.
I am very open and honest on my blog, but am mindful that I only reveal things about myself, and not other people, which makes it difficult at times. And, I just want to have fun. I will have silly little posts that I love, and maybe don’t get many comments on. That is fine with me. It’s a blog for me, afterall. The comments and blogger relationships are just this awesome bonus!
October 13th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Anyone who has read my blog regularly knows that I am honest, even when my views are unpopular. My political views seemingly clash with 90% of the blogosphere, but I am not afraid to express that, and my readers with opposing views have always very respectfully disagreed with me, as I have with them as well. If we all agreed on everything, it would be dull. The key is respect.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
There are some blogs that don’t post the content to give readers the opportunity to say anything more than “Great news” or “You are awesome”. While you are awesome, you talk about topics that we can discuss. And I always enjoy your blog for that reason.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:24 am
I will probably not openly dissent with someone, but I might email them to see if I’m missing something in the point they’re trying to make. My blog is so very honest and raw, people don’t usually comment unless they want to be encouraging. Sure, I’m not always right and people will leave carefully worded responses -- as you mentioned -- that might make me think a little more about what I’ve written. If I’m a first time reader, I will not comment or even email someone if I disagree with them. I don’t have to read things I don’t agree with. That’s my problem. But if I’ve been reading someone for a long time and I don’t agree? That’s maybe where I’d send an email.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:28 am
likely, unless someone specifically asks an opinion, and i have been a consistent commenter on their page, i wouldn’t dissent. There are some times that i read a blog that I really cannot believe the insensitivity that i’ve read. trust me, i have my opinions, but they are usually only about very serious matters. if i dissent with anyone, i would definitely do it by email and NEVER by blog comment space.
i am pretty open in my blogging style, because, for the most part, my blog is pretty private. i don’t tell a lot of people that it exists…i had told my hubs about it years ago and he only “accidentally” found it about a year ago.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:53 am
It really depends on who the blogger is and my relationship to them. Sometimes I just email a blogger friend my opinion on a controversial or personal post and we dialogue that way. Sometimes I am a drive-by commenter meaning I don’t go in depth and keep it light but want the person to know I was there, reading, supporting. I think there is a fine line between disagreeing and starting shit. I see people lambasted a lot on blogs and sometimes it feels like it’s more for the sake of drama than actual conversation. People love a good controversy even in blogland.
I do not delete comments on my blog, especially ones that are mean or dissenting. I feel like if I deleted them it would just feed the idea that blogging is this one sided, narcissistic endeavor where we all pat each other on the back. But then again, I don’t write a whole lot of posts that cause an uproar. :-)
October 13th, 2009 at 10:02 am
For me, it depends on what I disagree with, and why, and how strongly, and the context. Sometimes I don’t think it’s worth the fight. More often than not, however, if I disagree I will try to find a diplomatic way to say so. Very few people have reacted poorly when I have done this.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Yeah, I definitely hold back on posting comments I sometimes want to post if I don’t agree with the post. Mainly it’s more about wanting to say, STFU to someone who bitches and complains ALL the time. In my opinion, I shouldn’t be reading that blog at all if don’t like the “tone.” I’m honest on my blog, but again, I don’t post about everything that I want to, especially when it comes to volleyball. My community is too small and if I said something bad about someone it could really be damaging for me if they ever found my blog.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:57 am
It really depends on the blogger. Sometimes I will hold back on commenting all together if I think the person just can’t handle someone completely disagreeing with them. Other times I will go ahead and say what I think but word my comment carefully. From what I’ve seen, it really depends on the blogger.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:03 am
You’re pretty much my favorite commenter ever. Your responses are always so thoughtful and you tell it like it is.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
this totally hit the nail on the head for me -- I read a blog and a few times I commented when I disagreed/had a different point of view with whatever the blogger was saying.
The blogger commented back that I was showing my immaturity and to not comment again “unless I could say something nice”.
The nerve of some people’s children.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
i’m totally for quality over quanitity and i also reply via email to my comments. i’m open for disagreeing opinions but only if they’re said respectfully which i’m sure is the same with most bloggers. no one wants to hear “um, you suck” you know? but if they say they don’t agree and tell me why i’m open to knowing why. i might not think they’re right, but i’m ok with them saying it.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
i always appreciate bloggers (like you) who are open to varying opinions and ideas. i like your personal touch with an email response to comments. you always seem approachable and open.
for me, i think im open to new ideas and points of view on my own blog. and it depends on who im reading, whether or not ill be so open to share a varying opinion. sometimes it isn’t worth the extra effort for me, but often times it is. it just depends i guess.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Even when I am reviewing an academic article in my area of expertise I always wonder if I am ‘right’ in my comments to the author…so I tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to commenting on others blogs.
I disagreed in a comment section of a blogger I really like, and it took months and months to win he/she back over and I am not sure that my making my opinion known was worth it.
So, I tend to be a high fiver in public, and a quiet disagree’er, UNLESS, the blogger (like you for instance) specifically ASKS for opinions.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Essentially, I try to make a comment that says what I truly feel *and* that will be appreciated. I’m not one to leave comments that I don’t really feel, just to make someone feel better. I’m not one to come along and say “I’m so sorry, it’ll get better” to someone complaining about their quarter-life crisis — how they don’t have any money, but they go on trips, buy Marc Jacobs bags, and have a cash-only, tax-free income. (Maybe that makes me a bitch.) If the blogger seems open to everyone’s opinion and would appreciate hearing my thoughts, then I’d comment. If they aren’t going to appreciate anything but positive reinforcement, then I’ll just click Close and leave it alone.
It’s probably bad of me to view the positive reinforcement comments as “empty.” Some of those commenters might really feel sympathetic to someone in that situation, and their comment might be completely genuine. Maybe I’m just being Ms. Judgey-Britches.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I generally get pretty positive comments, but I love it when I don’t (Love? or something like it). It means that someone took the time to actually think about what I wrote and let me know what they came up with.
Sometimes I wonder if the high fivers are really internalizing what I had to say…
That being said, when I disagree? I only comment if I think it will be useful. If I am genuinely upset by what they say I might just close it and move on. If I think they can handle a bit of debate, I might say something very gently.
xo
October 13th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I think the biggest difference between your blog and a lot of the other blogs that are out there is that yours is about what’s on your mind, rather than being a never ending list of things you did in a week. I feel like so many blogs list and talk and chat, but skip examining their thoughts and opinions or looking to the bigger questions. Between your focus on the Bigger Things, and your excellent reader report I think that your success is a no brainer. =)
October 13th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I think I try to find positive points in most of the blogs I comment on. But if I feel strongly about something, I’ll chime in with my opinion. (I do this on Facebook, too, and have had some interesting and uncomfortable exchanges as a result).
That said, there are times when I feel my comment would go right over or under or around the person’s head. Some people like being victims forever and can’t ever see past their own negativity…and with them, I sometimes bite my typing tongue instead of writing things like “get a grip and quit feeling sorry for yourself!” Or maybe its that I don’t want them to come back and say that stuff to me when I’m whining on my blog. :) I’ll have to ponder this further…
October 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I’m fairly diplomatic. I pick my battles, on my own blog and other peoples’. But when push comes to shove, I’ll stand up for what I really believe is important. And because I’m pretty open, in terms of being emotionally transparent, on my blog, I tend to get very interactive comments.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I’m about half and half. You know that I’ll disagree with someone on their blog (I’ve diplomatically disagreed with you on more than one occasion), but it depends on the issue and the blogger. Some bloggers just aren’t open to hearing that they’re being challenged, or even encouraged, unless it’s in the way that *they* want it. I’ve even read “don’t tell me x, y, or z, because I’ve already tried it and I’m sick of hearing it.” What can you say to that?
I need to do a better job at responding to comments personally; if someone takes the time to “talk” to me, the least I can do is talk back. I fall short on exploring other blogs and commenting a lot. I’m going to go ahead and use the i-don’t-have-time excuse. At least I’m honest…
October 13th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Great advice, Nilsa! This is something I’ve often wondered about. Thank you for sharing.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I would rather not leave a comment and be a lurker if I don’t have anything valuable to contribute. What I find when reading some blogs (well, the ones I read at least) is that they generally just write about what happens in their life. And there really isn’t a whole lot of agreeing or disagreeing to be done.
When I come across blogs that present a question, or opportunity for me to share an opinion when I have one (and that’s a whole other ball game), then I’ve been attempting to be honest. My greatest fear is not the blogger, but rather what the other commenters might have to say about my comment. I have no problems with people disagreeing with me, it’s more so that I don’t necessarily back up my comments with a lot of reasoning. Perhaps I have a problem with not being able to hold my own.
My opinions tend to be easily swayed as I learn more information. I’m not the type of person to go out and follow the news. It just holds no appeal. My own blog is generally a reflection of this -- there is not a lot of content that is thought-provoking or invites an opinion. Then again, I know what my readership is, and that’s not what they’re looking for.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
YOU MEAN YOU RESPOND TO OTHER PEOPLE BY EMAIL TOO?
I…I’m NOT special?
October 14th, 2009 at 2:44 am
i recently found your blog and love it so far. (oops, high fiving much?) heh. all jokes aside, i do try to respond to comments thru my comments section on my blog. sometimes, i dont agree with a blogger and i’ll give my opinion but generally feel since it’s their life, they should deal with it and its not my place to intrude (though, if its in the public domain… then thats an argument within itself) basically i think people are going to do what they’re going to do regardless of my opinion on it.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
For me, it all depends on what the subject was of the blog post. Most of my political posts tend to get heated from some people.
I like the feedback on my posts because it lets me know that people are actually reading my posts.
For now, I’ve been replying to every comment (I will put multiple people’s names in a single comment). I’m sure if my blog gets 100′s of comments on each post, I won’t be able to do this, but for now, I don’t mind and it allows me to feel like I’m addressing each person that comments.
I like that you reply via email. It’s a bit more personable that replying to a comment.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
My self-imposed rule for commenting (particularly since I’m semi-anonymous) is that I won’t write anything I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. That doesn’t mean that I never disagree.
In one case I deleted a blog from my reader because I disagreed so strongly and didn’t feel like I could continue to stick to my rule. (I can be terribly snide in my own head, particularly in response to snark.)