Distracted
The other day, Jessica wrote an interesting post about talking on the phone. Due to her heavy dabbling in all things related to social networking, she admitted she’s not great on the phone. She gets distracted by the TV, email, text messages and the internet. I had to hold my tongue, because…
She reminds me of my brother.
When I was growing up (decades ago!), kids were considered lucky if they had cable, a VCR and maybe an Atari (or in our case, a Commodore 64). And yet, my brother was always distracted. The best example was one night when he came into my bedroom. I was sitting on my bed doing homework and he was standing in the doorway next to my desk. While talking to me, he also had to pull things off my desk and fiddle with them. Constantly distracted. I called him out and asked him to put my stuff down. It was frustrating trying to talk to him while he was focused on other things. My things. After three of four times of me asking him to stop (each time, the anxiety level seemed to increase), he got so annoyed with me that he pushed everything from my desk onto the floor, slammed the door and stomped back to his room.
To this day, I can tell whenever he’s distracted. Even though we live hundreds of miles apart, I know when he’s trying to do something else while talking to me on the phone. He gets distracted. Lost from conversation. Forgetful. Clearly not listening to what I’m saying. Nor thinking about what he’s saying. These days, when my brother gets like this on the phone, I just tell him he should focus on whatever it is he’s doing and we’ll talk later. It’s not a big deal. He laughs because I know him so well. And we say goodbye.
Because, if I didn’t let him go? I’d get mad. Really mad. Because I find that sort of behavior to be REALLY DISRESPECTFUL and a BIG WASTE OF MY TIME. I know it’s not intentional. In fact, I think he’s hard wired like that. But, it drives me absolutely batty. There is no happy middle ground. Either he’s focused on the conversation or we’re not talking at all. I’ve come to peace with that.
But, there are times when I don’t have that choice. Like when I’m out to dinner with friends and everyone has their noses stuck in their smart phones. Or when I’m at a conference (hi, BlogHer!) where you were in the minority if you didn’t have your laptop and Blackberry going while listening to a speaker. Or when I’m in a meeting at work where everyone sort of participates in the meeting, while trying not to show they are also responding to emails, engaging in IM conversations and browsing the internet.
I wonder if this is the new level of acceptable behavior? I mean, just because everyone is doing it doesn’t make it right. I sometimes think I have an old soul. Because when I’m in the middle of a human-to-human discussion, I prefer technology to be set to the side, politely put away. That’s not to say I’m against technology or social media, because in fact, I do think it has a place. Only, I think it’s place involves moderation, not domination.
What are your thoughts regarding technology and social media and whether they are infringing on human-to-human interactions?
October 21st, 2009 at 4:35 am
I also find being distracted really rude, however if i’m at work and doing something and someone starts talking to me about a non-work related thing i will listen to them and carry on working.
I don’t let social media infringe on other interactions, one of my friends constantly looks at his phone while he’s talking to people and i think that’s totally out of line. If i am having a conversation i don’t facebook it or twitter it or check my emails or do anything like that. face to face is always more important in that moment.
I am shocking on the phone though but that’s because i don’t like talking on it rather than i am doing something else.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:34 am
I am sure I am guilty of this myself. It is rude, but the ability to multi-task is a good thing, right? ;-) I generally talk on the phone when I am driving (bluetooth – totally leagl). I am not tweeting or watching tv while driving, but I am certainly not giving the caller 100% of my attention.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:27 am
Social media is definitely infringing on human-to-human interactions, but it is a decent enough substitute if you can’t talk to a person in person. I use email and facebook chat to keep in touch with A LOT of people.
I always prefer in person over the phone. In fact, I rarely talk to anyone for very long on the phone, except my mother. And she is usually watching the grandkids, so unless I get her on her own, it’s a short convo. Because SHE IS distracted.
It’s definitely rude to be doing something else when someone is trying to talk to you, whether on the phone, at your desk, or in a meeting. The in the meeting thing makes me crazy. Just because you have an iPhone/Blackberry, you are not entitled to be rude and ignore the meeting. I only bring mine to meetings to check my calendar, if necessary to schedule the next meeting.
October 21st, 2009 at 7:38 am
This is a huge pet peeve of mine when people do this. My husband does it all the time, tries to look like he’s paying attention to what I’m saying while really he is playing with his iphone. It annoys me and the kids too. I guess I don’t understand because I focus on whoever I am talking to or else I don’t talk to them. And maybe I am not “important” enough to always need to be in contact with others on my phone or whatever while I try to do other things. It seems silly to waste someone elses time by half listening when you could just wait until you have time to focus and then do whatever you need to do. I think a lot of times people have forgotten that even though we have all this technology that makes things easier, we still need to have manners and be polite to other people.
(In say this while making breakfast for my kids and packing up backpacks so maybe I am not really one to talk about doing things while distracted. Glass houses and all)
October 21st, 2009 at 8:13 am
The smartphoning in social settings? Twittering at a party instead of living it? Definitely annoying. I think it’s just a handy smoke screen for a lot of shy people.
However.
I’m a hard-wired multitasker. It is actually VERY difficult for me to focus on one thing (I think that is why I don’t watch a lot of tv unless I’m really tired.) I often tell people during conversations that I AM listening. Often I am typing or reading or organizing files or whatever but I hear everything the person is saying. Doesn’t mean I’m NOT listening. It’s just HOW I listen.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:28 am
I find it disrespectful and rude frankly. We are starting to get wired that whenever we hear a ping or feel a vibration we must respond yet, at the same time we are ignoring life around us.
I have given presentations to my executive team where I know they are not paying attention because they are focusing on their blackberries and responding to emails from each other. Or when I am on one to one discussions with people and their phone pings so the ignore me and respond only to ask me to repeat myself. My boss often turns off his phone when we are in meetings together so that he can focus on our chat.
Even at home it got so bad with my husband. I refer to his iphone as his mistress and that got him. How can we be out to dinner to spend time together when you are playing with your apps? But since ATT has gotten so bad and his connections are slower, he is paying more attention to live beyond the iphone.
I turn off my computer each day at 4 and don’t turn it on over the evening and I refuse to get a blackberry (unless forced so by work but yea budget cuts!).
Live is more than a ping.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:28 am
I have a few rules for myself regarding technology. I only pay attention to my cell phone when I’m out with friends IF it’s family or a VIP friend. I ignore emails, twitter, facebook (which I recently deactivated) and just let myself be there, in the moment. On weekends I make an effort to leave my blackberry in my purse/room/car so that I can relax, disconnect and just getaway. Not to say that in my downtime moments I won’t check on technology, but I try really hard to ignore it and let it be.
If I’m watching a movie/TV, I won’t engage in a conversation on the phone.
If I just got home from work, I hang up so that I can tend to the dog, myself and relax.
These are all relatively new changes (last few months?) in my life, but they are working out splendidly.
(I will admit to having surfed the net during a meeting or two because sometimes my presence in these meetings is NOT needed and so I casually distract myself. Not often, but sometimes.)
October 21st, 2009 at 8:43 am
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of this either. At all. Is it good old fashioned adult ADD? Or some sort of new technology inflicted ADD? I actually heard recently that doodling while listening to a speaker actually helps the doodler concentrate on what is being said, contrary to past belief. However I don’t think surfing, IMing and emailing does the same thing!
October 21st, 2009 at 8:53 am
I can’t find the link now, but someone sent me an article yesterday that said this is part of the reason we’re so exhausted all of the time. Multi-tasking and handling distractions is really hard on the brain and can lead to daytime sleepiness.
I’ve seen some “experts” say that adults learn better when they have something to do with their hands, but that’s a little bit different than composing emails or holding entire IM conversations. Doodling or playing with a pipe cleaner doesn’t engage the same part of your brain that you are using to listen to a speaker, but carrying on a second conversation does. And I think that’s still depends on the person. Some people might learn well while they’re doodling, but for someone else, that doodling might take their entire attention. I think it is hard-wired in us to a point, but we also need to make an effort to put down the electronic stuff.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:57 am
I think one of the most disrespectful things I’ve ever observed is someone texting during a recovery meeting. I will call them out on it. Every time. Because seriously?! You want everyone to shut up and listen to YOU when it’s your turn to share, if you can’t give someone else the same courtesy, you don’t belong there.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:19 am
i really think that on top of harming the persons interactive skills of who is actually doing the behavior, they are additionally harming everyone around them with the distraction of not paying attention. it’s never been acceptable to talk in the middle of a convention on the phone…i can’t imagine that thousands of clicking fingers on a keyboard is any less distracting.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:20 am
As a family, we SUCK at paying attention to each other in real life. We all have our faces up our phones all the time. At one family dinner a family friend who lives 100 miles away messaged us on FaceBook to put our phones down and just talk.to.each.other. (We were commenting on each other’s statuses while we sat at the.same.table.)
October 21st, 2009 at 9:21 am
Ok it drives me CRAZY when I’m with people and they are on their cell phones, or checking their iPhones or Blackberries. It is SO RUDE and disrespectful! I hate that this is a new standard of acceptable behavior, because it absolutely should not be!
October 21st, 2009 at 10:13 am
THis is a really interesting post and I would have read it all the way through, but there was this shiny metal thing on the other side of the room and well …. you know the rest.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:18 am
I think that there definitely have to be boundaries. I’ll check twitter when Mister and I are in the car on the way somewhere (he’s our resident driver usually) but not while we’re out for dinner or doing something together. I’ll leave my phone out at lunch with a friend so I don’t go over my lunch break, but I keep it in my bag over dinner. If I’m with someone, I want to be there and be engaged with them.
The only time it bugs me is when I say something to Mister and he half engages in the conversation because he knows that I’m talking to him, but he isn’t hearing me because he’s all zoned out reading the internet or playing a video game. It’s like stop what you’re doing, or say you’re busy! I can wait! I just don’t like him pretending he’s aware when he’s not.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:33 am
i’m somewhere in the middle of the 2. i think it’s super rude to be in a conversation with someone and then you grab your phone and start texting while they’re talking to you. BUT i don’t mind if i’m talking to someone and their phone beeps so they pull it out to see who it is BUT they wait til we’re done talking to reply. i agree…it’s RUDE.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:59 am
I fear that technology is REPLACING human interaction rather than enhancing it (which, isn’t that what it’s supposed to do – ie cell phones, computers, etc)? I am convinced that people who lived BEFORE such technology were better at communicating than we are.
Here’s an example of how it’s working: a young PASTOR I know from seminary posted a picture on Facebook from his iPhone of a woman playing on her computer during a meeting, entitled “paying attention?” Problem: 1.) Clearly he isn’t if he’s taking pictures and putting them up on Facebook during a CHURCH meeting! 2.) He’s a pastor – wouldn’t that be considered exploitation or something of this woman at the meeting? Thankfully, a few people called him out on Facebook – I am still waiting for the head pastor to do so, too. Ugh!
October 21st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I get really annoyed when people tune me out on the phone, but I know I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing here and there. Usually I will acknowledge it and say – hang on a sec Mr. W is IMing me or whatever.
Working at a tech company, meetings are always filled with people on their laptops and blackberries. And really, I don’t get why they’re even in the meeting. If you’re not going to pay attention, what are you really getting out of it?
Mr. W will occasionally be typing on his iPhone when talking to me and I usually call him out on it. It is really annoying to think someone isn’t listening to you…which is why I like IM…they can’t see you, so they don’t know if you’re distracted. :P
October 21st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
It annoys me when I’m trying to get through to someone and they’re clearly not paying attention. I’m guilty of it at times though, so I guess I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I try to set boundaries: I can talk on the phone while doing mindless tasks (washing dishes, walking the dogs, etc) but not while doing things that require too much thinking (reading email, watching tv, etc.)
October 21st, 2009 at 6:36 pm
guilty! on the one hand, i am REAALLLLY not involved in the majority of the meetings i go to, and i figure checking work email is better than falling asleep at the conference table. and i will check twitter, or check my text messages throughout the night frequently. but if i’m out with my girls? or out with my boyfriend? not so much, i’m too selfish and focused on my own good time ;-)
October 21st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
It makes me crazy when people are constantly checking their crackberries and iphones, texting, playing games or whatever. If it isn’t an emergency, it can wait until we are done with our conversation, meal, meeting or whatever we’re doing. I think it’s rude to ignore the people you’re with and turn your attention to whatever is buzzing in your pocket. If they don’t want human interaction they should just stay home with their electronics.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:13 am
If I’m standing in a long line of some sort, I definitely pull out the iphone and start browsing, but if I’m with someone I never do that unless I know I might be getting some important phone call (job or family related) so I give them the head’s up that might be happening. But yeah, I hate when you’re with someone and they are texting someone else. Hello????
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:37 am
I am guilty of this. I used to spend hours upon hours on the phone when I was a teen/in my twenties but since texting and emailing have become so prevalent it’s my main mode of communication. When I am out with people I *try* to put the phone away because I know it is rude. I fail miserably a lot of the time. I don’t like this about myself! I feel overly connected to electronic devices.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I am a lover of all things social media but when I also turn it off. If I go away over the weekend, I dont take my laptop. I dont have twitter on my phone (its not a smart phone). On the weekends I will check in on email or twitter occasionally but for the most part I’m not active engaged in it. It literally drives me up the wall when I’m with someone and they are twittering or on the internet. I honestly think people miss so much life because they are so connected sometimes.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:06 am
As much as I’m tied to my cell phone and laptop and an internet connection, I do enjoy turning them off at times (like an airplane) and taking a book or magazine and enjoying the time.
Of course, there is always my iPod or some other electronic gadget to distract me from the book or magazine, but I do try and not be so tied as to not enjoy my surroundings.
At the beach, I tend to leave all things electronic in the car. I’m more relaxed if I don’t have any distractions.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I’ve noticed this in myself and am trying to work on it. I find that I’m frequently driving and listening to the radio, but feel that I don’t have enough stimulation and am tempted to check my email, which is NOT OK.