Choice
Recently, there have been a few instances where I’ve learned of soured relationships due to choice. What kind of choice, you ask? The choice of family over a relationship. Stick with me and you’ll see what I mean.
Growing up, what we know is our family. They nurture us. Protect us. Introduce us to the world around us. And in return, we stand by them through thick and thin. We want what’s best for them. We try not to intentionally hurt them. We make family-centric decisions.
Eventually, we leave home. For some decisions, we may seek input, advice or even the right answer from our families. But, there are many decisions where we do things on our own. We are growing out of our sole dependency on our families. We are becoming adults.
At some point, we enter a serious relationships. It might involve dating. It might involve engagement. Or, it might involve marriage. But, the moment that relationship become significant is when we have to decide to choose our relationship over our family. Now, that’s not to say just because we choose our relationship, we desert our family. Or alienate them. Or even love them any less. That’s not what I mean. But, there will come a time when what’s right for the relationship may not be right for the family. And, that’s when we have to choose.
These sorts of decisions could be small—whether to go to a family gathering or go out on a date instead. Or they could have much larger ramifications—whether to have a religious wedding ceremony or one in front of a judge; whether to live in the same town as your family or move many states away; whether to leave your children alone with doting grandparents even though grandma always has an adult beverage in her hand (and sometimes too many in her system). No matter how large or small, there is always the possibility that someone’s feelings will be hurt. That someone will walk away disappointed. And we have to learn not only how to make the right decision, but how to manage the expectations of others.
When Sweets and I went through premarital counseling, one of the things that was stressed was there will be many times in our lives when we need to be a united front. When a decision that is best for us as a couple (or us as a family, should we get to that point) might not be what other people want or expect of us. When those decisions arise, we need to be strong enough in our marriage and with each other to disagree with those around us. To choose what’s right for us.
As someone who makes up one half of a very united couple, I can’t tell you how empowering it feels to make decisions that are right for us, even when they might not be in accordance with those around us. It gives us an opportunity to communicate with one another and hash out the reasons for our beliefs. It provides time to share with our family (and other loved ones) who we are and why we are making the decisions we are making. Overall, it strengthens the relationship I have with Sweets.
On the other hand, it’s sometimes hard to watch when the opposite takes place. When I see the hardship a friend experiences when she chooses her parents (because she’s devoted to them and loves them) even though it puts undue stress on her own family. When I hear about the failed marriage, due in part because a young wife chooses her parents and their beliefs over her husband and his own beliefs. When I hear about a young man who is not yet ready to face or stand up to his own family even though it means a rapidly disintegrating relationship with his main squeeze. Best case scenario, these relationships experience incredible amounts of strain. Worst case scenario, these relationships fall apart.
What do you think about this topic? Are there any situations when you would break ties with your significant other in order to side with your parents? Have you stood up for a relationship even when it means disappointing family or friends? If you’re not currently in a relationship, do you think you’re ready to take a stand when you do meet that special someone?
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:45 am
Firstly, i love your blog. You always seem to ask great questions to provoke debate.
Anyway, to answer the question: I left home when i was 17 and i have never really lived with my Dad so it’s always been the opinions of my Mum and brother that i have relied on. However, i know when to ask them and when to go it alone. Slowly, very slowly, they are also learning it too. Recently my brother (who has always been sceptical of my relationship choices) was forced to admit that although all my boyfriends are crazy when he met the most recent ex, he really liked him and got no crazy vibe at all…so less that i make bad choices but i am drawn to hidden madness maybe?
My Mum doesn’t counsel me in much any more and we have a much better relationship because of that. She used to try and i saw it as controlling and rebelled (hence leaving home so early) so it’s taken us time to get to where we are now.
I think that an event forces you to let go of the apron strings eventually but if you can’t break away then maybe you’re not ready to or you really know their advice is right?
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:26 am
Great post – and something that, unfortunately, a lot of couples don’t think about.
I too have witnessed friends in relationships where one or the other is so totally devoted to their own family that they cause themselves undue stress or hinder the growth of their new family.
I don’t know, I guess I don’t get it. I love my family and I definitely value their opinions (and will sometimes take them into consideration) but at the end of the day their opinion is just that – theirs.
In answer to your questions: It would have to be a pretty severe situation for me to completely go against my husband and side with my parents. I have stood up for a relationship before when it has disappointed my family & friends – unfortunately they ended up being right…but it definitely was a good learning experience.
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:58 am
I totally see your point. But any man that I marry will have to understand that I will never, ever, ever turn my back on my sister or my dad for him. It is just not going to happen. I have been engaged and I have been in other serious relationships and I can’t envision any circumstance where I would have to make a choice between the man I love and my family.
Of course, little things (and maybe big things) like gatherings or holidays or contact with children always have to be compromised. But I think you can compromsie without choosing one party over the other.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:14 am
I’ve been involved with a guy that my family and friends wouldn’t approve of, at some point I had to make a decision about what I wanted regardless of their opinions. I feel like my family gave me a great beginning but at some point,I needed to become my own person with my own beliefs that may or may not be very different from their (depending on the topic). My mom (the sole parent to raise me) I am sure, has been disappointed in some of my choices over the years but she never stopped loving me because of those choices. I’m of the belief that unconditional love doesn’t put demands on people regardless of their relationships, decisions, or disappointments. Yes, there are some hurt feelings every now and again but at the end of the day there’s just sort of an understanding that I’m living my life in the best way for me.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:17 am
I find it so interesting how the topic of being a united front was talked about in your pre-marriage counselling. If I knew that practical things like that were talked about, I might have gone!
I think that this is a really strong point, and that learning to trust yourself as an adult and to know what’s right for you as a couple & being strong in that is really hard. I think that ultimately, it’s about letting your relationship with your parents shift from being one of child/parent to becoming friends & having mutual respect for each other.
My dad’s motto of parenting when I was growing up was: “I want to get you and your sister to a point where you don’t need me anymore- then when we get together, it’s because we love each other and because we’re friends. I don’t want to see you because you need money for the mall, ok?” It’s that perspective, of letting us do what’s right for us, not using guilt, and treating us like adults that has made our relationship so strong. And the total opposite approach from my mom is entirely responsible for our relationship continuing to weaken.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:23 am
Wow, did you crawl into my head because I was just thinking about that when I went to grab my tea for the day.
I agree with the being one unit in a united front. When You commit to another person, you in essence create your own family. It is hard to be pulled in two different directions. I know planning our wedding I felt that a lot but in the end I sided with my husband.
It is a balance but you weight more when you are part of a team, even if it is just the two of you.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:23 am
Did you write this post for me? LOL! This has been a huge issue in my relationship and we are constantly dealing with it. For the most part it is a united front, but there are times it is really hard to get there. We are currently in the midst of some uncertainty on that front and it is very straining on the relationship.
When children leave their families to start a life with a spouse, I believe that their number one priorety has to be their spouse, and if children come along, then with their whole family.
Boy I could go on and on about this.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:42 am
Oh the many looooong hours of conversation I can have with you on this because boy do I know it well, not only from my own relationship, but from my parents and the rest of my extended family (i.e. Matt’s grandma thinks I’m not good enough for him).
The one thing I have learned though is that the couple needs to always communicate with each other, discuss things because it’s the only way to overcome various stumbling blocks that will eventually come their way. Communication is just so important.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:18 am
A part of my parent’s divorce had a lot to do with the fact that my Dad’s parents didn’t like my Mom. My dad didn’t have the balls to stand up to them and OHHHHH how that has played into current event in life. Well, you read my blog entry about him.
Anyway, I won’t get too deeply into that. But I felt let down by my ex in my last relationship. I felt he didn’t stand up for me to his parents, and again, ultimately I think he was very influenced by their opinion of me.
And I have had friends in similar situation, especially related to where holidays were going to be spent, and dealing with different religions and how to raise the kids. You’re right, if you don’t have a united front, it can get very ugly and stressful.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:20 am
My parents have always been great in telling me that if I’m happy, they are happy, even if they don’t approve of my choices. They stand by me through thick and thin, always with a smile or kind word to offer (or will gladly say mean things if that’s what I would rather here). They’ve never stood in my way and I don’t think they ever would unless they had some really bad dirt on the guy! =)
It’s funny, being an adult, the one thing I never really thought I’d have to worry about is the issue of family vs girlfriend/spouse. (I think I just made it sound like a reality tv show!?) I’ve always been a favorite among parents and families but when you’re up against a situation where morals become involved, especially when yours differ, it can be tough. Really tough. And it can hurt and be confusing. At the same time, maybe if the other person isn’t ready to stand up to their family in whatever way that is, maybe they just aren’t sure if you’re the one? That’s an entirely different conversation in and of itself.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Such an interesting subject. My mom has always stressed this because in her marriage there were MANY times she and my dad had to be united against either sets of families.
It seems kids these days (meaning the “kids” who are MY age, 20s, getting married) aren’t thinking about this enough. And their families aren’t helping.
It’s difficult to do when you’ve spent your entire life with one family and now are forming a new one. I think both the people in the relationship need to realize it, but the families need to realize it as well. I know my family will always respect the decisions I make that may differ from what they want — because they see the importance of that. But I know so many families that give their children a hard time for siding with their relationship instead of their family.
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:03 am
considering the fact that i’m one of those people who got married and moved away thus picking my relationship over my family, i can relate a lot to this. me and hubs have always been a very united front. we’re usually on the same page about almost everything we go through or are presented with. but i know one thing that would definitely make me stray from that unity…if he didn’t support my need to go to ohio and see my family. he’s always been great…any time that i’ve told him i need to get home he’s always right there telling me to find a flight and go when i want/can. i’ve always loved that about him. if there was ever a day where he wasn’t like that and DIDN’T get my need to see my mom…then there’d be problems. i wouldn’t stand with him. i’d stand against him. and there would be major problems. i agree with you that a lot of marital issues stem from couples choosing family or even friends or other people over eachother. and i think once you’re married your spouse should take presidence over your family in some aspects—at least as far as their opinion is concerned. when you have kids it solidifies the bond as a married couple even more. i think because then you’re your own family. you have your own family unit. it means the most to you.
i hope i made sense. LOL
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:40 am
i think i must be incredibly lucky – this has never come up once with my family. granted, i’m not yet married, but my parents have never forced an issue where i’d be required to pick them over a relationship, and no boyfriend has ever forced the situation either. so far, so good :-)
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
I totally agree. Your family’s job is to raise you so you can live your life and do what you need for yourself and your new family. While they should be listened to and respected if at all possible because in most cases they know you well and want what’s best for you, ultimately you have to make the decisions that are best for your new and future family.
This is what frustrates me about my in-laws. While my parents weren’t totally thrilled about us moving so far away, they understand why we did it, agree that it was the best decision for us, are totally supportive about it, and come to visit regularly. Whereas Torsten’s parents are still looking at every choice he makes through their own lens, upset about how it affects them and taking it personally as a reflection on them, even though really it has nothing to do with them. They say that acceptance comes with time. I’m still waiting.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I am so thankful that I don’t have to do that. My fam LOVES the hubs and vice versa. No words of wisdom from me. p.s. Just peed a little at your comment on our blog. Thank you.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
this is so hard. i have this issue, more in my head than anywhere else. i’m an only child and so this brings up many issues about family loyalty, etc. i always thought that i would be the one with the issues, until i met my ex-husband. he was so tied into his family, that ultimately our marriage ended because of it. he simply couldn’t break away and what made it harder is that I saw his point and understood this side as well. i love my family and there is not really anything in the world i can think of that would break that. BUT, that being said…when you join with someone…especially in marriage, i feel that it is your duty to bind together with that person and form, again, another strong unit.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Even though I was single at the time, this is a conversation I had with my therapist a few years ago. I come from a very close family who takes EVERYTHING personally. My counselor explained that in order to have a healthy marriage and relationship, you have to transition from being “enmeshed” with your family to being a partner to your husband. I knew this would probably be difficult considering past experiences with them and their fragile opinions, so I started trying to work on it immediately.
They are better. But it still takes some battling. Mr. W is in counseling right now to figure out the kids thing and even though I told my family they are not allowed to discuss the kids topic anymore with me or him, they still bring it up. I’m sure this sort of thing will continue if we do get married. But I’m fully prepared to fight and hurt feelings to remain united with my man. The family will get over it eventually – they always do.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I have always had to stand up for my relationships, considering that I seem to fall for penniless, non-white guys, contrary to the preferences of some of my family members. In the end, my first marriage broke up in part because he chose his mother over me. After I’d chosen him over my family. Rough.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I ended my second marriage in large part because of this issue. My ex had been single for 35 years (his age) before we married, and I was only 23 years old… and he just had been part of “his” family for so long. He even owned a house with his sister that his mom had purchased.
Now… the 36-year-old me (now) looks back at that and realizes that had I been older and wiser, I would never have dated someone who’d never been in a major relationship by age 35 & lived in a house with his sister that had been purchased by his mother. The whole “taking his mom’s/sister’s side in any disagreement” thing was the tip of the iceberg.
But I will say… I think this is a huge issue in a lot of relationships, and in my experience it’s men who are unwilling to present a united front in re: to his *mother*…maybe that’s a stereotype, I don’t know. But I know more than one (in fact, dozens) of relationships that have ended or have been caused serious strife by such things.
Personally, I think you’re spot-on with the whole united front thing… and it’s something I believe everyone should talk about and agree upon before getting married (or making other similar commitments). If they don’t agree on it, it’s going to be an issue not just when it comes to in-laws but also when mutual friends might insult one or the other… and it might be the case that one partner might feel as though his/her partner is in the wrong, but if emotions are high, don’t you want your partner to have your back?
Just my two cents. xoxo
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Coming from a divorced family, it’s always tough to find a balance even between that. My brother had a lot of issues with this when he got married as her family was more tight-knit and demanding of her time than ours. He and my mom got in a huge fight about it. It’s still an issue.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
Part of the process of leaving your parents to be with the person you are starting a relationship with is to start your own life and become part of the responsible society. Part of that responsibility is to make your own decisions, good or bad, without always relying on others, including parents, on what to do.
This is not to say you can’t continue to have a good relationship with your parents, but there comes a time when their opinions and thoughts don’t always apply to what you do in your life.
With that said, I’ve always did everything I could to make a relationship work even if my mom didn’t think it would. She was not there day to day to see the interactions and her words were no different than anyone that was on the outside.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
When you choose to commit yourself to a relationship, whether it’s marriage or something else, you are choosing to start a family of your own (Christina mentioned this in the comments, too). Even if no children are involved, it’s still a family. And I LOVE the idea of being a united front. It doesn’t mean you love your own family any less, it doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them, it just means you want to create a life of your own. If families can’t understand that, that’s a big problem. I come from a divorced family, both of my brother are married and close with their in-laws, and I’m close with my boyfriend’s family. It can make it hard during the holidays and things like that, but we always make it work, and we always find time to get together no matter what.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I can’t imagine disagreeing with my parents strongly enough to side with a man over them. Compromise? of course, but it’s just not within the realm of possibility for me that I might marry someone very religious and therefore turn my back on my parents’ spiritual-but-not-religious take on things. Or that my parents would offer unsolicited advice on child rearing or something. Or that I could marry someone they couldn’t spend time with. They once disliked a guy I dated, but it wasn’t serious and I didn’t find out until I’d ended it myself. They also had concerns about a more serious ex, but, again, didn’t voice them until I’d already developed and expressed the same concerns myself.
THis all sounds lovely and rosy, but I don’t mean it like that. I’m just struggling to come up with a possible situation where I would need to present a united front.
October 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I had a fantastic replay all written up on Friday – and then my computer ate it.
My first experience with choosing between my partner and my family happened when I decided to move in with Jason. Well, it wasn’t simply moving in together – it was dropping out of school and moving 8 hours away. Leaving the nest for the first time.
The biggest surprise was how supportive my parents were. My mom gave me some great advice (which she got from her mother back in the day): “You need to give your new family priority, no matter what anyone else says – including your other family.” And knowing that I have her permission to do what is best for us has meant I don’t worry about my decisions anymore.
And yet, Jason’s family is another story. They are a lot closer-knit. They are not so easily placed to the side when it comes to making decisions. I accept this, but it still makes me frustrated sometimes. Like when trying to plan “my” wedding. I try to approach it on a case-by-case basis, and remember what is most important to me, being with Jason.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I really, really needed to read this today. It hits close to home.
In the midst of wedding planning, I can already feel the opinions of my family pulling me one way or the other when the only thing that matters about my wedding is that I am marrying the love of my life. It’s about our love, not what others expect of it or the ceremony or whatever. And I need to keep reminding myself of this because one side of my family (the side I’m not close to AT ALL) has plenty of opinions.
I guess the good thing in all this drama is that we are standing together. We’ve stood together throughout countless family drama in the past. And we’ll continue to learn and hold hands and face issues together, talking them out and finding our own way.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:48 pm
This is such a good question! I have been divorced and one of our ongoing fights was regarding the way his family treated me—there was absolutely no respect for me, and no standing up for me on his part.
On the other hand, I am in a long-term relationship now, with someone who wants to go away to graduate school. I struggle with this because I don’t know if I can move away from my parents and family—though there is no marriage or “official” commitment there, I have been asking myself if I am holding back because of my family.
Great question, great post.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Such an excellent topic! I wish my husband and I could have learned this six years ago. It would have saved us so much sadness. I didn’t know that it was okay to expect to be first in anyone else’s life, especially my spouse’s, so I never said anything. I didn’t want to be selfish. Time after time, he chose family and friends over me. This finally took its toll and I could not handle it any more. He had always been afraid of making his family, and in particular his mother, mad, but when he realized it was going to cost us our relationship, he realized that that was not what he wanted. About a year ago, my husband came to me and said, “I’ve never put you first since we got married. I always put my family first, and that was wrong, and I am sorry.” Since then, things have been so much better, for which I am thankful. If his family plans a function, knowing full well that I have to work on that day, he simply won’t go. I have never asked him to do that, but he says if they don’t want me there, then he doesn’t want to be there either. This has been a hard lesson to learn five years into a marriage, for us, and for his family. They didn’t understand at first why he wouldn’t cater to their demands any longer. Their reactions were difficult to handle, but his stand for us made us so much stronger. The lesson I’ve learned through all of this is the one time in your life that it is ok to be selfish is in your marriage. If the two of us do not put each other and our relationship first, our marriage will fail.