Comments on: Choice

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:10:08 +0000

Such an excellent topic! I wish my husband and I could have learned this six years ago. It would have saved us so much sadness. I didn’t know that it was okay to expect to be first in anyone else’s life, especially my spouse’s, so I never said anything. I didn’t want to be selfish. Time after time, he chose family and friends over me. This finally took its toll and I could not handle it any more. He had always been afraid of making his family, and in particular his mother, mad, but when he realized it was going to cost us our relationship, he realized that that was not what he wanted. About a year ago, my husband came to me and said, “I’ve never put you first since we got married. I always put my family first, and that was wrong, and I am sorry.” Since then, things have been so much better, for which I am thankful. If his family plans a function, knowing full well that I have to work on that day, he simply won’t go. I have never asked him to do that, but he says if they don’t want me there, then he doesn’t want to be there either. This has been a hard lesson to learn five years into a marriage, for us, and for his family. They didn’t understand at first why he wouldn’t cater to their demands any longer. Their reactions were difficult to handle, but his stand for us made us so much stronger. The lesson I’ve learned through all of this is the one time in your life that it is ok to be selfish is in your marriage. If the two of us do not put each other and our relationship first, our marriage will fail.

By: Amy --- Just A Titch

Amy --- Just A Titch — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:48:40 +0000

This is such a good question! I have been divorced and one of our ongoing fights was regarding the way his family treated me—there was absolutely no respect for me, and no standing up for me on his part.

On the other hand, I am in a long-term relationship now, with someone who wants to go away to graduate school. I struggle with this because I don’t know if I can move away from my parents and family—though there is no marriage or “official” commitment there, I have been asking myself if I am holding back because of my family.

Great question, great post.

By: E.P.

E.P. — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:01:51 +0000

I really, really needed to read this today. It hits close to home.

In the midst of wedding planning, I can already feel the opinions of my family pulling me one way or the other when the only thing that matters about my wedding is that I am marrying the love of my life. It’s about our love, not what others expect of it or the ceremony or whatever. And I need to keep reminding myself of this because one side of my family (the side I’m not close to AT ALL) has plenty of opinions.

I guess the good thing in all this drama is that we are standing together. We’ve stood together throughout countless family drama in the past. And we’ll continue to learn and hold hands and face issues together, talking them out and finding our own way.

By: Mandy

Mandy — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 17:44:54 +0000

I had a fantastic replay all written up on Friday -- and then my computer ate it.

My first experience with choosing between my partner and my family happened when I decided to move in with Jason. Well, it wasn’t simply moving in together -- it was dropping out of school and moving 8 hours away. Leaving the nest for the first time.

The biggest surprise was how supportive my parents were. My mom gave me some great advice (which she got from her mother back in the day): “You need to give your new family priority, no matter what anyone else says -- including your other family.” And knowing that I have her permission to do what is best for us has meant I don’t worry about my decisions anymore.

And yet, Jason’s family is another story. They are a lot closer-knit. They are not so easily placed to the side when it comes to making decisions. I accept this, but it still makes me frustrated sometimes. Like when trying to plan “my” wedding. I try to approach it on a case-by-case basis, and remember what is most important to me, being with Jason.

By: Busty Satan

Busty Satan — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:55:21 +0000

I can’t imagine disagreeing with my parents strongly enough to side with a man over them. Compromise? of course, but it’s just not within the realm of possibility for me that I might marry someone very religious and therefore turn my back on my parents’ spiritual-but-not-religious take on things. Or that my parents would offer unsolicited advice on child rearing or something. Or that I could marry someone they couldn’t spend time with. They once disliked a guy I dated, but it wasn’t serious and I didn’t find out until I’d ended it myself. They also had concerns about a more serious ex, but, again, didn’t voice them until I’d already developed and expressed the same concerns myself.

THis all sounds lovely and rosy, but I don’t mean it like that. I’m just struggling to come up with a possible situation where I would need to present a united front.