Married
I’m pretty confident when I say we’ve all wondered about our exes at one time or another. Maybe it’s soon after the break-up to see that new girl he’s dating. Is she as pretty as you? As nice as you? What’s wrong with her? Anything so you can feel a little better about yourself.
Maybe it’s months down the road to see if he’s still alive. Is he dating anyone? Did he get that job promotion he’d been vying for? Run that race? Go on that vacation? We want something, anything, to see that he still has a heartbeat.
Maybe it’s years later to see if he ever was the marrying type. What does she look like? What does she do? Do they already have kids? Oh my.
Or maybe it’s just totally random. We hear that song. See reference to that movie. Go to that restaurant. Something reminds us of them. And we think, “How the heck are they doing?”
When we learn where they are now, our reactions can range from rage to peace.
Glad he’s in jail because he always was an abusive SOB.
Glad he’s fat and balding, because he was a lazy bastard when I dated him anyway!
Sad he is dating that sexy girl, because damn, why couldn’t I get me a hot boyfriend first?!
Sad his new wife after six months of dating gets to reap the benefits of that promotion that I encouraged him to seek!
Happy he is no longer leaving me daily messages and has found a nice girl to date.
Thrilled he moved five states away where he can start his life anew.
And so on.
That happened to me not too long ago. I heard about a boy of a lifetime past. And I had a reaction.
There was a boy I dated years and years ago. He was one of the few guys I was ever serious about. We dated just under a year. And while I had a lot of fun with him…
We were not supposed to be together.
He went out four and five nights a week. I stayed in four and five nights a week. He went to sleep late. I went to sleep early. He was inconsistent with his friends; they told me so. I was extremely loyal to mine. He was emotionally difficult to reach. I wore my emotions on my sleeves. He wasn’t there for me the one or two times I really needed him there; it was inconvenient for him. I’d drop everything for him when he needed me.
The list could go on.
I see it all so clearly now. And yet, at the time? I was pretty darn upset when he broke up with me. Mad at him for ending it. Mad at myself for staying so long. We tried to be friends. But, it had to be on his terms, much like our relationship was. It took some time, but I finally found my voice to tell him that was not ok. Our friendship stopped for a time. And then it resurfaced for a bit.
The last time I spoke with him? Was almost 3 years ago. I told him Sweets and I got a dog together. I could hear the masked disappointment in his voice. He never called again after that. And I didn’t see a need to call him. I finally understood why we were still friends. He was saving me as a back-up. And while it’s flattering in some ways, I didn’t deserve to be a back-up and certainly didn’t need one of my own. I knew I was with the man I’d eventually marry.
Just last week, I found out this ex got married a couple months ago. I saw pictures of his wife and heard some high-level stuff about her. She’s pretty. Thin. Wears cute clothes. Has a reputable job. Seems like she could be a really good person. Someone whom at one point in my life, I’d have loved to hate.
But, you know what? My first reaction was to be happy for him. Because, there was a time when I seriously wondered whether he’d ever be open to marriage. Whether he’d ever allow himself to truly fall in love and be loved. And to find out the answer is yes! And to see that he has a beautiful bride! And to see a photo of the two of them where they are really, really happy. Well, it just feels good to know he’s being loved. Cared for. Looked after.
This moment in my life was one of those litmus tests. Because, I think we all hold onto a part of our past. Sometimes it’s just memories. The good times and bad. What we were like then and whom we’ve grown into now. And other times, it’s in the hopes of resurrecting that past to become our present and future. And because that litmus test is fluid, the results changing as our lives change, we really don’t know how we’ll respond until we’re faced with our past.
For me, this time, it felt good to feel good for someone from my past. Because in this case, I think it’s a reflection of my life now. When you’re happy and stable in your own life, it’s easy to be happy for others around you. Even if they wronged you in a past life.
Tell me, have you ever gotten an update that surprised you about an ex? Were you happy? Sad? Did you turn that news into action? Do you now regret what you did? Or do you wish the very best for them? Where do you fall on the scale of that litmus test?
November 4th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Hum, my long term ex boyfriend told me recently he was getting married. To the girl he met a month after we broke up. I’ve been through a huge range of emotions about it – why he never proposed to me, what she got that i’ve not got.. etc.
But at the end of the day, i didnt want to marry him and i’m happy with my boy right now. I guess i’m just jealous of the perfect life he has now (that i helped to create!)
Kx
November 4th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Did you type out those six reactions because they were ones you’ve felt? You’ve had some, er, interesting boyfriend choices in the past, haven’t you?
As for my exes… I’ve found out very little about them nor do I care to.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:42 am
This is a really interesting subject for me because it’s still so new after my divorce that I am straddling the fence on this one. I learned last week (which was the thing I talked about cryptically in my blog) that my ex started seeing someone and while I was devastated at first, eventually I found peace with it. I had looked at it as a “what was wrong with ME?” type thing as my gut reaction but then I realized that there is nothing wrong with ME but that there was always something wrong with US.
As for other exes, I am usually happy that they’ve either found someone new to put up with their crap or on rare occasion happy that they are happy.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I think your reaction was totally a reflection on your life. I am jealous when exes get married or move on to a life that I haven’t achieved yet. Heck, to be honest I am jealous when friends do it too. Of course, there is some part of me that is happy for them, but I know the jealous would be the overwhelming reaction. And that is a reflection on my life.
BUT…I have never been happy to hear about an ex’s misfortune. A guy that I dated for 2 years in law school got married about a year after we broke up and has already divorced. Even though I don’t have many positive things to say about him in general, I was still sad to hear he’d gotten divorced.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I have found out about what several exes have been up to. Too many crazy stories to tell here. Bottom line, no matter how much I may have been hurt or angry at the time of our respective break ups, learning about their now happy lives and other details about them evoked two reactions for me. One, that I was truly happy for them and no longer held any grudges or hurt feelings. Two that the little details I learned about them through interactions made me realize that they were not the one for me. As much as I may have strongly felt so at one time. And that is all good. :-)
November 4th, 2009 at 8:48 am
love this topic!
i had tried to find my ex from college. he was a NICE guy…there was no reason to not be with him, other than the fact that i was so shy, i was overshadowed by him and at some point, i decided i needed to become myself. anyway, the breakup went BADLY! not good at all. for years, i couldn’t find him after college. i would search, ask people if they’d heard from him…nothing. i got a call about 2 years ago from him. in the time that we’d broken up, he’d become a drug dealer in waco (yes, i went to school in waco, that’s a different story). he had people shoot at him, he’d been chased by the cops, he was at the top of the pyramid in terms of how drug dealers go (i don’t know how they go). he had just been rescued by his baptist parents and had detoxed on his own and was then living away from waco. this was sad. this was a person who had so much potential.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:58 am
This is a great post Nilsa. A few years ago I ran into a guy that I had dated in my last few years of high school. He’s married now with two kids and incredibly unhappy. I was really happy to see him, but sad to hear that he’s unhappy. He’s a really nice guy and the only thing that was wrong with our relationship was that we were really young and after I graduated we went seperate ways literally, me to college and he to the service. I wish him nothing but the best and know that he wants the same for me. We’re both back in our same small town now so we run into each other from time to time. I always thought that I would feel differently, that he got what he deserved for marrying whom he did. I suppose thats a sign of maturity that I had the opposite reaction.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Looking back at my relationship with my ex, I know now that if we did get married liked we talked about, I would be divorced. I was utterly devoted to him that I lost myself in a way.
When he broke up with me I was devistated, my friend and family could not figure out what happened to us. I got very sick and lost about 15 pounds. It took me a long time to recover.
But it showed his true character and his coward side. He called me in the wee hours of the morning a few years later to talk. He missed me and wanted to be friends. I finally had the opportunity to say what I wanted to say. I told him he was a coward for breaking up with me via voice mail (after a year and a half of being together), I told him that I have a new life and he was not privy to. I told him that I wish him well but that he can never ever be a part of my life and I could not let him in.
I said my peace and at that moment the world was right again. I have not seen nor spoken to him since. I wish him well and have some good and bad memories with him that will be a part of my life story. But I got to change pens and marry the man I was supposed too, and I am happier for it.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Well, my college ex recently got married and I’m very happy for him. Our break-up was one of those amicable ones so while it stunk big time I never hated him. He was comfortable in his life, in his small town and never wanted to move which is why we ended things. He found me on facebook about a year ago and told me all about his girlfriend, how he’d planned to propose, and how he was adopting her kid. I was happy because I knew more than anything he wanted to get married, have that kind of life and just be.
And then on the flip side, a guy who dumped me on New Years Eve (in Chicago) on 2005, who did me wrong in a LOT of ways wound up losing his company. I know, I know, I’m a nice person but when I heard that I felt a little better because he had it coming to him. (Long story here, I promise.) So when I heard that the company went bankrupt and he had some other issues I felt like it was karma and it bit him in the ass in a big way. Right or wrong, I felt a bit better about all the pain and suffering I went through. (Although now I do hope that he’s been able to recover and land on his feet somehow.)
November 4th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I hope you will host another Blog Secret this year, because I would write about my reactions to this in that forum. There is stuff I want to write, but Mr. P would read it, and parts of it may hurt his feelings, and I can’t live with that.
(I didn’t do anything bad, but I did do some pining after I was married, and that makes me feel very badly (it was a long time ago though)).
November 4th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I briefly touched base with my ex-husband a few years ago. Actually not long before I got married to my current husband and love of my life :-). The Ex just randomly called me at work one day. I think he was wanting to reconnect, maybe in hopes of keeping me his back-up. I don’t know, at the time it completely panicked me to hear from him.
Some days I’m tempted to look him up on Facebook, see if I can find out how things are going for him.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I’m pretty sure that all I want is happiness for the people that have been in my life. It may have hurt at the time, but really? We’d be together if we were supposed to be together. And we’re not. But I have to say my boyfriend of four years before the Dead Guy was totally there for me when he died. Because he knew me so well, he was able to be comforting when other people were not. That’s true blue.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I found out that my ex-boyfriend from Senegal had married a French woman and had a daughter with her a couple years ago. I’m happy for him but it also feels weird, and especially that she’s foreign too. I don’t know.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:54 am
when i found out my big ex was happily involved with someone who i heard was super sweet and kind and really great, i felt… weird. because i felt like she was going to get duped, like i did. that she must have fallen for his charm, and that sooner or later, she’d see his true colors.
but then as time went on, and now it’s been a couple years that they’ve been together, i feel happy for him. for them. i have to believe that he must have changed, for the better. and he seems happy, and that makes me happy. he deserves it, you know? so he wasn’t the best boyfriend for me, but he’s good for someone, and that makes me glad that he’s found his match. ive certainly found mine ;)
November 4th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I haven’t ever really received serious ex news, but there is a guy who lives on my block who looks EXACTLY like my very emotionally abusive, eventually started stalking me, ex-boyfriend. He has a house, a young & pretty wife, and a beautiful little baby.
It is so, so incredibly odd because it seems like that could have been us had something in him not turned mean. It’s a little like living down the street from a phantom version of another life.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I’ve had a range of emotions at different times and with different exes in my life. But let’s just focus on the last one. It’s been two years since the breakup, and I KNOW I would not be ready to hear and/or be happy to hear that he was getting married. It was already difficult to hear through the grapevine that he had a serious girlfriend not long after we broke up.
I’m not pining over him, nor do I have any interest in ever being with him again or have any hope that would happen, but just that tiny part of me has not moved on. Now I don’t wish him ill will or anything, but I just can’t quite go to a place yet that feels “truly” happy for him. I’d be lying if I said that.
I think once I find someone for me or enough time has passes (whichever comes first) I will feel happy for him.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I was with my first long-term boyfriend for 2.5 years from HS into our first 2 years of college. In that time, I grew up and he didn’t, so I ended it. It devastated him and I still feel badly about it because he was a nice guy. I’ve tried to re-connect several times, but he has no interest. He ended up getting a masters degree in electrical engineering. I learned via friends that he did end up getting married…to a girl with only a high school diploma. I truly hope he’s happy.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
When I heard one of my exes got married after we had broken up about 10 months prior I actually laughed. Not nervous laughter but I-knew-this-was-coming laughter and I immediately felt badly for the girl he married. All I can say is I hope he has treated her well and been good to her. Which basically tells you I think very low of him. She could have done better for herself.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Ugh, my ex-husband got married really quickly after we split. That sucked. I have to admit that she is really not cute, and that gives me a thrill. Another ex of mine who I really cared about got engaged, unengaged and is now somewhere in the middle. It’s weird to watch for sure. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know anything at all.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I’m really good friends with one of my exes and was genuinely happy when he got married. However, there was a tiny piece of me that thought it wasn’t fair…that it should be my turn. That’s pretty much the reaction I’ve had to other exes getting married. I feel like they don’t deserve it as much as I do and they shouldn’t be doing it first. Terrible, isn’t it? And the worst part is I know why they were wrong for me and can’t imagine being with any of them now!
November 4th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Man, your examples of what you have wished for your ex’s are much nicer than mine! (which include, “Damn straight he’s fat now – and thank God I got out while I did!” or “Yup, his new wife is TOTALLY woof-tastic. Makes me look oh-so-better.”
And while these thoughts of course do no one justice and only increase my bitterness, they do help me further appreciate the break up(s) that were traumatic at the time but SO necessary in retrospect. In fact, one of the most liberating moments in my most catastrophic break up was when I could say with true peace that I hope for nothing for the best for him. That I hope he can find a woman who not only puts up with what I couldn’t stand, but that he, most importantly, treats kindly and with respect (as opposed to how he treated me). Being able to pray for his well being was the final step in fully moving on in peace and confidence.
Not to say that I don’t look him up on Facebook every now and then, just to see if he’s finally joined my stalking network and if he’s lost all that weight he put on after we broke up. Because I lost all the weight he put on me… BOOYA!
November 4th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I’ve never really thought about my exes. Hmm. I guess when I was done, I was done? I don’t know what’s happened to any of them, except for one that I friended on FB.
I am happy when I hear of success for people from my past though. Even though I don’t know them now, I am happy to hear they are doing well, if they are.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I dated a guy for 5 years (age 18-23). We grew up together, went to school together, had (and still have) many of the same friends. Our break-up wasn’t horrible. We both just decided we needed to take some time apart. He wanted to study abroad in Italy, I was planning on moving to California. We kept in touch during our time apart, and when we tried to get back together it just didn’t work. We are still friends, still e-mail here and there, and see each other occasionally when we run into each other at a bar or something like that. Until I met my current boyfriend, this guy was always “the one who got away”. But I saw him at my friend’s wedding back in September, and we had a chance to talk for awhile and he met my current boyfriend and I realized that I’m exactly where I want to be. It would’ve never worked with him.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
My ex and I were together from high school until several years after college. We stuck with it way too long. It took meeting the hubs for me to finally walk away from something that was truly never going to fulfill me. It was an ugly break up. He didn’t understand why we shouldn’t be together and I’m not sure he does to this day. He got married a few months ago and, like you, I was also happy that he had moved on. I’m sure they’re much more suited for each other than he and I ever were. Just like the hubs and I were made for each other!
November 4th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I tried to stop looking after my high school boyfriend became a Catholic priest.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
In the past I’ve reacted poorly to updates (nothing crazy, just some misguided cattiness) on one particular ex. Once I was truly over him (it took much longer than I’m willing to admit) I felt nothing but happiness for him when I heard through friends how great his life was going. It was such a good feeling to realize that I didn’t hate him anymore :)
November 4th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
This is a timely post as I’ve been doing some serious Facebook stalking of a particular ex. He recently got married. She’s cute, they look cute, seem happy, etc. etc.
It’s not that I feel unhappy toward him/them, nor do I feel happy. I just feel weird. Conflicted. Maybe indifferent. There’s a part of me that feels wistful — this would’ve been me if it had worked out as much as there’s a part of me that feel thrilled that it’s not me because when I knew him, he was just an immature idiot who couldn’t commit.
It’s funny. Every time I do a little Facebook stalking, I eventually click back to my own page — look through photos of me and of DD and me — and realize that I’ve changed so much and am a lot happier. And then I just feel thankful that everything worked out the way it did for everyone.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Oh, there is one where I fall in the Pretty Darn Acidic side of the litmus test.
My intense, intense disappointment and anger at this man resurfaced — and GREW — in a big way as I have gotten used to the dysthymia (chronic depression) diagnosis, and had that lens to look back on the last seven years of my life. Whw, what that man did to me was not right.
As I learn to forgive myself for all those things I thought were “failings” while depressed, I will learn to forgive him, too. But now? I am just not there yet.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
One ex of mine found me on my blog (when I still had my last name foolishly posted there). He emailed me, asked me what I was up to. He also put in the email an innuendo to something sexual. And because I’m married and thought it was highly inappropriate, I didn’t respond.
None of my other ex’s have contacted me. Every few years, I’ll do a google search for one, but that’s about it. And dude… it was a freaking long-ass time ago anyway! ;-)
November 4th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
There is one ex that I am so curious to find out more about now but I haven’t been able to and the curiousity is killing me. The almost the not knowing that makes me crazier.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:15 am
That question is a can of worms for me right now. . . so I plead the fifth.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Oh man, I was in one relationship that ended very badly. He broke up with me after he had even had my finger sized for rings and we had planned our life together. Then after he broke up with me, he still told me he loved me all the time. It took everything in me to cut off communication with him completely, and I haven’t heard anything from him since.
I go through times when I am just dying to know what’s become of him. And I’m ashamed to admit that I kind of don’t want him to be happily married, just because I’m still pretty mad at him when I think about it. I wonder when that will go away?
November 6th, 2009 at 3:46 am
My most recent ex starting dating a woman and for the first time ever understood what I’d been talking about when I insisted that I wanted chemistry. That he has that chemistry with someone who isn’t me, that he found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with who isn’t me, that he is head over heels for a woman who is brilliant, beautiful, kind, fun, and successful and not me doesn’t matter a bit. He’s wonderful, he deserves it, and (honestly) my first reaction when I met her was, “marry her, now!” My second reaction was, “If it’s not too weird for you, I totally want to hang out with her again.” (Really, the woman rocks.) I’m not sure I’d have the same reaction to all of my exes, but my friendship with that one is very real so I reacted as I would for anyone I love.