Perfection
The other day, I was reading a post by KT about marriage shockers. She had recently learned some news about a number of her friends’ marriages that floored her. And I thought the topic (not her specific news) was worthy of a blog post.
In the first bit of news, friends who had the “perfect marriage” had a big problem. Cheating entered the union. My first reaction was, “… but, no marriage is perfect.” Let me repeat, no marriage is perfect. And that’s coming from someone who is very happily married.
In fact, Sweets and I are a great example of why no marriage is perfect. Because this is a personal blog and because I’m married to Sweets, it’s only natural I speak about him in this space. But, I definitely filter what I share. If it’s relevant to my story, then I’m likely to share something about him. But, I don’t generally write posts about Sweets. And certainly not about his faults or bad days. He didn’t ask to be a part of this blog. And while he doesn’t mind when I write about him or us, he doesn’t deserve to have his life aired in its entirety here.
So, I generally don’t write about our disagreements. I don’t write about things he does that bother me. I definitely don’t write about our sex life. I don’t write about his work. I don’t write about his life before I came into the picture. I don’t write about his dreams or goals. I don’t write about his failures. I don’t write about his family or his friends. I don’t write about a lot of things that are integral to who Sweets is as a person.
But, my readers don’t know what I opt not to share. In fact, you don’t likely think about the fact I’m not sharing stuff about him or about us. And so, I’m quite certain many of you have visions of what Sweets is like. What our relationship is like. Based purely on what I share here. And while you probably have a very good idea about us (because I am genuine when I do write about him/us), you definitely don’t have the full picture.
But, how would you know that unless I tell you … or until something bad happens that I do report about. Kind of like KT. I think she saw a public marriage that was working. There were things about it that she’d like to emulate in her own marriage. And yet, clearly now, there were big issues privately. And while it comes as a shock, the fact of the matter is, not only is no marriage perfect, but there will always be things about the relationships of our loved ones that we’ll never know.
Which leads me to KT’s final marriage shocker. In the second case, she learned some shocking news about a relationship. One person wasn’t who she thought he was. And his wife has known for years without sharing that information. And I think KT’s reaction was shock with a dose of negativity because she just can’t imagine herself being in that position and being ok with it.
And this allows me to share my final thought, which is just because it would never work for you doesn’t mean it can’t work for someone else. Being in my mid-30s means I’ve seen a lot of relationships and marriages. There have been times in many of these relationships where I’ve wondered how the heck that couple stays together.
I’ve seen the couple who never socializes together – always doing their own thing. I’ve seen the guy who got married to the girl no one liked. I’ve seen the couple who appears to have nothing in common stay together for decades. I’ve seen the woman stand by her asshole of a husband, even when he’s wronged her over and over again. I’ve seen forgiveness when I thought it unimaginable. I’ve seen love when all I could do was shake my head. I’ve seen survival of these relationships when I quickly decided I would walk away should I stand in their shoes.
I haven’t seen it all. But, I’ve seen a lot. And it’s not just the sticky situations I’ve seen. But, I’ve seen couples before, during and after the mind-boggling situations. I’ve seen how they figure out what’s right for them as a couple even if it makes absolutely no sense to me (ahhh, another topic I recently addressed). As a result, I have become much less judgmental over the years.
The key is finding situations and relationships that work for us. It takes trial and error (and in my case, lots of it!). But, eventually, we find someone who fits us. We can only hope that our friends and family find those someones who fits them, too. And through it all, we hopefully learn to accept the people around us for who they are as individuals. Despite perceived flaws on our part. And, as a result, maybe we walk away learning a thing or two about the world around us as well as learning about ourselves.
November 10th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Great post :) It’s good that you don’t dish about Sweets. I read a blog where the woman says some very bad things about her husband. Things I read and wonder how they are possibly happy. But, like you said, whatever works for them!
I guess it just bothers me when people air ALL OF THAT. Because it’s no fair to the other person. It’s not fair to hear one side of the story, on something so personal. It’s no fair to belittle your husband on your blog. It’s not fair to say, “Our first year of marriage went well, but boy, did I find a lot of nasty habits.” It just not nice.
Oops. I think I went a bit off topic. ;)
November 10th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I have very little of that romantic blindness in relationships. (Hello, welcome to the life of a divorce lawyer!) I know that THINGS happen, but I would be surprised that those things were happening to people that I know. I agree that no relationship is perfect. But perfect is boring anyway.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I am a firm beleiver in keeping some things sacred between you and your partner that includes fights and arguments a well as hopes.
Marriage is work and it is not always easy. Even my friends who outwardly have a great marriage privately struggled with issues. But if it works for them, and each partner is happy then let them be happy. Everybody has a missing puzzle piece that the other person fills.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:05 am
As always Nilsa I adore you and your posts. I think you summed it up perfectly in saying “just because it would never work for you doesn’t mean it can’t work for someone else.” Like yourself, over the years I’ve learned to not judge relationships or people in those relationships because I have no right too. I read another blog post yesterday that made me sad and angry. Live and let live. Thats my motto.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Thank you for writing this post! I have always thought that if two people say they have a perfect, flawless relationship, then one or both of them is lying.
Love this!
xox
November 10th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Two of my very good friends from college had knock down drag out screaming matches several times a week. It was horrible to witness and no WAY could I ever live like that, but it works for them. They’ve been happily married and fighting for over 10 years now. Their thing. Not mine.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:09 am
This is something I am definitely getting through years of experience. You can never know another person’s relationship and rarely, their motivations for staying or going. I’ve seen things that would have broken me in two but people persevere. I’ve seen things that seem minor that have split people up. Everyone has their own boundaries and breaking points. I’m actually fascinated by the whole thing.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I ran into this situation recently where my former guy co-worker was telling me that his current live in girlfriend has been unsure of their relationship and so she is just openly dating this other guy on the side. having her cake…you get the point. I asked my friend why he would put up with that, and he told me it’s because he still has hope that she will come to her senses.
I left it at that. Whether it works out or not is none of my business. OF course I do have my opinions, but they are just that. It’s projecting “me” into that relationship, and it’s really none of my business.
However, some relationships DO require our opinion or our help, whether it’s wanted or not. When my stepdad beat the shit out of my mom my senior year in high school, that is not, and will never, ever be OK. If someone is getting hurt, I think it’s totally OK and someone SHOULD get involved. I tried, but unfortunately it fell on deaf ears and they are still together to this day. But at least I did try.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I have a friend who looked like she had the “perfect” marriage. When it broke up, it came as a huge shock to our circle of friends, and there was a lot of judging because it looked like she was just throwing away a great relationship. She’s said that one of the things she’s learned is not to judge anyone else’s decisions because there is no way of knowing what they go home to at night. She admits to working very hard at that perfect public persona, and knows that she’s not the only person that putting forth that kind of effort. I think it’s interesting — and a good thing — that after coming out of this ordeal, she’s learned not that she has to tell her friends more and more details of her life so they understand, but that she needs to reserve judgment of others. Those of us that stuck by her side through all of this learned that with her.
November 10th, 2009 at 11:29 am
i think that while it’s true we can never presume to know what would or wouldn’t work for other people, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to react negatively to a situation you find.. well, negative. as long as you’re not going up to that couple and announcing that you think their relationship is wrong and you think they should break up, it would be asking a lot of a person to not have their own opinions about a situation. like – say i found out my friend was in a relationship with a guy who believed in open marriages and so he was seeing 3 other women on the side. it’s good for me to know i don’t want that, and would react negatively in that situation if it were me. i don’t necessarily have to try and accept that it’s “ok” – because for me it SERIOUSLY wouldn’t be – i just have to accept that it’s not my decision to make for my friend.
November 10th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I totally agree. People are so quick to judge others’ relationships, even though nobody can really know what’s going on inside them. I’m guilty of it too, I’m sure.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I really struggle with this. I don’t want to judge, but it’s really hard when you know that one party in the relationship is miserable. If you’re really talking about situations that seem odd but “work,” that’s one thing. Who cares what the outside world thinks, if both parties in the marriage are happy with the way the relationship operates. It’s the situations where you KNOW someone is not happy that really throw me. I don’t understand why people would want to sell themselves short. I suppose this mindset comes from selling myself/desires short and then learning that they can be met – and exceeded – in a way I never thought possible. I think it’s hard to watch the people around you marinate in misery. It’s hard to watch them hurt and make destructive choices. It’s hard not to judge.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
So true. No marriage is perfect because nothing in this world is perfect (ok except maybe my homemade tabouli!).
I think one of the most important things in any relationship is to keep the lines of communication open, even if there are arguments. It’s always best to keep talking to each other to be able to work things out.
As for people who look at others’ relationships, well all I can say is don’t judge others based on what you see because you don’t know the whole story, it’s none of your business really and quite frankly no one is perfect.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
i could not agree with you more. i blogged about this a few weeks ago because i have a couple friends who think we have the perfect marriage. i like you, don’t air my “dirty laundry” either. I don’t blog about our problems or arguments or anything. I just keep that part of our relationship private. i only have a few friends that i actually share those things with. so i get why some of my other friends think that we have the perfect marriage. but oh man, we so don’t. NO ONE DOES. you hit the nail on the head.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
It took me a considerable amount of time to realize what works for others isn’t what will work for you. While I adore most of my friends’ husbands, I know I would struggle in marriages like theirs. I have also learned to keep my mouth shut. If they confide in me or ask for advice, I make sure to keep it as neutral as possible and if nothing else, suggest they see a counselor. They will figure it out on their own time.
Your post reminded me of a tweet I read a few months ago. This person, a friend of a friend, wrote, “Do you congratulate a couple on their anniversary if you do not think they should be married?” From what I know of this person, she is not known for kindness or letting others live their lives without snarky commentary. However, whether she thinks her friends should be together or not is absolutely none of her business. With a few exceptions (abuse, etc), it is not for us to judge.
Interesting post. Thanks!
November 10th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
No one will ever know 100% what a relationship is like except for the two people in that relationship. I am EXTREMELY open with a few of my friends about my relationship, and they are the same way about their relationship/marriage. But still, even though I’m open and willing to talk about a lot of things, I love the fact that we have a little piece of our lives all to ourselves. And that little piece can’t ever really be shared, even if I wanted to, because it just sort of happens when the two of us are together in the privacy of our own home. Which is why I can’t judge others in their relationships. Great post!
November 10th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Recently, I blogged—semi-cryptically—about an issue my boyfriend had I were having, and the number of emails I received saying, “Oh no way—you two are SO SOLID!” was surprising. I am with you on keeping most of our relationship to myself—there is a special privacy reserved for my boyfriend. This is a great post.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Very interesting post. A local newspaper recently had a blog post about ’settling too soon’ (and as someone who met my future husband at 19, they were definitely talking about me!). The replies were varied, but the overwhelming feeling I got was that people were very judgemental of other people’s relationships/marriages.
Your line “just because it would never work for you doesn’t mean it can’t work for someone else” succinctly sums up what I wanted to say to all those commenters.
Me and mr button are very happy, but that doesn’t mean we are happy every minute of every day. Or even every month of every year. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that…
I am thinking that perhaps expecting there NOT to be bad patches is why some people stay single so long, and become very judgemental of those in relationships? I don’t know…
November 10th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I can’t quite figure out what I want to say in this comment. I read the post you refer to, and that is a bunch of information to take in, even if you have no clue who the people involved are. I have been married for 20 years and I would be hard pressed to say for sure I would leave Mr. P for either of those transgressions. 15 years ago I would have said, “Kick him to the curb.” Now, in case Mr. P is reading this…that is NOT permission.
November 10th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
great post! i wholeheartedly agree that you don’t dish about hubs. i think the main reason is the one that you state. he didn’t ask to be a part of your blog. he didn’t ask that you write about life.
i told t for years that i had a blog. it somehow got missed, so this one day, when at a hospital, he “found” it. a lady there said, “oh my god, are you mad?” he was like, “no way, why would i be”. i hardly ever post about him….and if i do, he sees it and i agree again…never never about bad days or things you dont like. that’s wrong
November 10th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
My marriage is perfect! What’s wrong with all the rest of you?
;-)
November 10th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Haha, I like Sparkling Red’s comment… I second that ::cough::
Though I am not into politics, I remember one major theme that came out of Bill Clinton’s fling thing with Miss Monica was “What the hell is wrong with Hilary? Why is she still with that doupe?” While I wonder the same thing myself, I must say that I never judged her on it. Who knows, maybe she (or someone in her type of situation, like your friend’s friend) never loved her husband to begin with, so the idea of him having an affair at least means he’s found some sort of “joy.” Or maybe she loves him so much that she’s forgiven him and wants to move forward. Maybe she just likes being a former president’s wife (benefits must be great). Who knows.
I recently found out that a classmate had been accused of having an affair with a minor before he got married to his current wife. Even after he was proven guilty (he will be in jail for awhile), his wife is still “with” him (I say “with” because he’s in jail and she’s out living her life). People in my community can’t believe that she didn’t file for divorce (which, according to the law, a spouse of someone who has been acquitted with having sex with a minor is granted a divorce, no questions asked or bills issued). I am kind of on the fence about it – why SHOULD she HAVE to leave him? Though it’s speculated that she knew of the affair before/during their marriage, maybe she had come to grips with it a long time ago? Maybe she knows her husband needs her support?
My Hubs has been very firm in saying that he will never leave me – UNLESS he find out I have ever cheated on him. This scares the crap out of me because 1.) I am human and thus prone to mistakes, even the kind I never want to make and 2.) he has given reason why he would ever leave me, based on my actions. Granted, I never plan to cheat on him, and he never plans to cheat on me, but the fact that he already has a reason why he would leave me is scary enough to NEVER cheat (well, that and a whole list of reasons never to cheat, but you get my point!).
November 10th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Relationship like marriage are complex, each people involved needs to go beyond his/her character to see the bigger picture.
Incorporating perfection in marriage is not possible because it is rooted on the imperfections of humans. Engaging our self to lasting marriage means continuous growth and understanding.
Many people waste their time judging other people. Would it be for our benefit if we work on developing ourselves instead. :-)
November 10th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
So you know I’ve been in a lot of weddings and attended many more and this post sums up a lot of what I see in my times at weddings and post weddings. I can’t always tell what makes a couple tick but as my dad has always said, “you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” And he’s right.
This is a great post because we can’t, nor should we, know everything that goes on in someone’s relationship. We have to trust that they will come to us if they need too. And when they do, we should be here for them, no matter what they have to tell us. (I’ve learned to hide my shock over the years as best I can.)
November 10th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
This is such a wonderful post- I totally agree, and I think it’s really important to flag us all to the reality that no matter what we put on our blogs, we’re all just human. We make mistakes & the figure things out the best we can.
I love your insight, it’s beautiful.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:33 am
This is great on many levels – my personal favorite is a lesson that I learned a little later in my blogging career – there are some things that are too much to share. Though I’m one who is used to being a fairly open book when it comes to my life, I’ve learned to withhold some things. One of those things is an anticipatory relationship someday. I shared a little bit TOO MUCH of a previous relationship even after the significant other voiced their disapproval.
I’ve learned that not only is a blog about my thoughts. Just as I wouldn’t want another blogger sharing anything secret that I might tell them, I also shouldn’t share others’ thoughts and actions and mistakes without their consent, even if their identity is somewhat hidden.
Great lesson learned by me, and glad you practice that too.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I know that I am a little late in posting my reply….
In my original post, I said that my first friend’s marriage was “the gold standard”– I definitely did not say that it was perfect. I know of some of the issues in their relationship, but thought highly of their relationship mainly because they have been married longer than any of my friends from college. That being said, I don’t get to see my friend very often so I know that the information I get from the once a year visits/ emails is not the whole picture. It is never the whole picture- even if you talk to the friend daily.
I agree that a blog should be a place where you don’t out all of the problems/ issues/ fights/ etc. with your significant other. There are some things within a relationship that should be kept private.
As far as my second friend? Although it is not something that I would chose for myself, I would never say to her that she shouldn’t be in the marriage. If she is happy, then that is all that matters.