Safety
After writing yesterday’s post about the security of our building, I got to thinking about why it is that I am not as rattled about this string of crime the way some of my neighbors (and maybe some of you) were.
I grew up in an almost inner-city area of St. Louis. My neighborhood was split down the middle, half in a suburb, half in the city. While the neighborhood itself was full of large, single family homes, the surrounding areas had apartment buildings, vacant lots and parts were littered with crime.
At a young age, my parents taught me how to be assertive. How to be aware of my surroundings. How to recognize when something was amiss. And what to do if I needed help. I don’t ever remember a time when I felt unsure of what I should do if something went wrong. Our larger community was mixed and my family gave me the tools and resources I’d need should anything go wrong.
I think about what others do in this situation. For those that don’t choose what are considered to be absolutely safe communities, what do parents do when living in mixed communities? Many parents choose to closely hold onto their children. In the name of safety, parents want to protect their children. Which sometimes verges on isolating them from the surrounding community. Parents want to take control of the situation. To try to ensure sure nothing goes wrong.
I can’t blame parents for doing whatever it is in their power to protect their young.
While my parents most certainly cared about my safety, they weren’t isolationists. I walked to school (about a 1/2 mile) on my own (with friends, but no adults). I walked by myself to friends’ houses in the neighborhood. I played in the neighborhood park without parental supervision.
Not only did my parents teach me assertiveness, but they trusted me to get out there on my own. To do the right thing should something go wrong. Learning these lessons from an early age means as I grew up? They just became a part of who I was and who I am to this very day.
I remember moving to Boston when I was in middle school. As a high schooler, my parents let me take the T (the subway) and the commuter train into the city by myself. They let me hang out downtown or in Harvard Square. They let me go to Red Sox games. They let me do these things without any parental supervision. So long as they knew where I was going and when I could be expected home, I usually had permission to go.
And these were the days BEFORE cell phones.
I think the lessons learned at a young age and the experiences I had as I grew older largely play into why I live in a city now. Why I’d consider raising children in a city (where many people flee for the suburbs once they have children). And why I don’t run away when bad things happen.
What kinds of lessons did you learn about personal safety growing up? Do you think those lessons and childhood experiences play into why you live where you do today?
December 9th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I learned “Don’t talk to strangers” and “all adults are strangers”. This was the begining of my fear of people, my shyness (scared to death mentality), nervousness and social awkwardness. I was over-protected and not allowed to go out much. These lessons affected more than my personal safety. I’ve spent all of my adult life trying to overcome these crippling lessons.
December 9th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I grew up much the same way you did (only obviously not in the city), but with my mom teaching me the tools I needed to deal with a situation should it arise, and I, too, generally had permission to come and go as I pleased as long as she knew when to expect me home. As a teenager friends and I would spend our weekends in Pittsburgh, but I don’t recall ever being afraid. I’m glad that our parents made us aware of what could happen, what to do if it did happen, and to not be afraid of the world.
December 9th, 2009 at 9:13 am
My parents thought I could handle things and let me, but sometimes almost too much I think. I remember being scared to be home alone and they just basically told me I could handle it.
I was almost kidnapped when I was younger and immediately after that, my parents were sort of smothering but as time passed, they went back to letting me be. When I was 12, I went to Australia for foriegn exchange. I went all by myself (with a chaperone person meeting me at the airport just past customs). I look at my almost 12 year old daugher and wonder if my parents were crazy. But then again I do feel strong and like I could handle anything because of it.
I think with my own kids I let them be independent to a point but always let them know I am there if they need me. I don’t let them go to the park by themselves unless I am walking Maya in the neighborhood. The reason I don’t like them to be alone is because I was almost kidnapped, not because I don’t trust them to handle things. I’m sure they could but I have a little nervous thing about leaving them too far from me with no adult sometimes.
December 9th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I was taught that the world is a big and scary place and that I should not attempt to enter it on my own. I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to unlearn that.
December 9th, 2009 at 9:49 am
I grew up in a similar fashion. When we lived in Florida school + ballet class weren’t far from our house so I was allowed to walk there with friends, day or night. We had run of the neighborhood and could play, ride bikes and etc as long as our parents knew where we were going and what we were up to.
My dad taught us to be aware of our surroundings and we had, well still have, a family password that we were supposed to ask for should a stranger approach us about anything that we were unsure of. Fortunately we never had to use that tactic but I was glad to have it. Just for fun in middle school my mom and I took a few self-defense classes which was actually pretty cool from both a bonding standpoint and pracitcally as well.
I guess what bothers me about being robbed is the invasion of personal space and privacy!
December 9th, 2009 at 10:12 am
i grew up pretty similarly. i think that’s a good thing.
(sometimes i still get skeeved in areas near fenway. but that’s more because of drunk bar dudes being idiots!)
December 9th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I think we’ve talked about this before, but you and I are are both so lucky in that we have parents who taught us well and then, as we grew up, trusted us to make good decisions based on what we had learned from them. Growing up I was always allowed to ride my bike around the neighborhood on my own, stay home alone (having been taught not to open the door to strangers), and so forth. My parents did teach us things like if someone called when we were home alone and asked to speak to our parents, to tell them that they were unavailable or in the shower or something rather than saying they weren’t home.
December 9th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I grew up in the country mostly, and then when my parents both moved back into the city I was pretty much allowed to be feral- I don’t remember any specific talks about safety but I definitely knew about being aware, but not to the point that I didn’t trust people.
I have a ton of faith in other people, a silly amount of faith in their doing the right thing and helping, and in acting from that. I live in the murder capital of Canada, and went to high school in a really sketchy area (you needed swipe cards to get in and out because of the sketchiness) and I think that just being around that reality and knowing you can’t live happily while being afraid of people kind of…mellowed me about crime.
Just to be clear: when I hear bumps in the night in my house and I get scared, it’s about ghosts, not criminals.
December 9th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I grew up pretty sheltered. It was a quiet middle class neighborhood where everyone looked out for their neighbors. Vandalism was probably our biggest crime. And then I went to college in an even smaller town. But becoming a self-defense instructor really opened my eyes and made me aware. Now I’m not like a lot of my female friends when it comes to fears about my safety. I always take precautions but I do not act first out of fear. I trust my instincts and my ability to protect myself enough. I make smart choices. Am I immune? Hell no. But I don’t let fear rule my life.
Well, maybe just fear of commitment. ;-)
December 9th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I’m completely with your parents. Sheltering a child TOO MUCH can actually bring them harm because they won’t know what to do if the find themselves in a bad situation.
I had a very different childhood where I grew up in Saudi Arabia on a compound which was like a little town. But when I moved to Lebanon I basically learned to ignore the Israeli jets breaking the sound barrier because they were more than likely not going to bomb us.
Hmmmm…I think I had quite a different sort of childhood.
December 9th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I was so sheltered as a child. My mom was extremely strict and wouldn’t let us do anything. She was jumpy and paranoid and so protective. She was horrified when I moved to England on my own and travelled by myself and stayed in sketchy hotels or slept in airports when I couldn’t afford the sketchy hotels.
December 9th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I live grew up in (and now live in) a town that is very interesting. Much of the town is very affluent (like celebs and old, old money) and much is yuppie middle class. There is a sizable “bad element”, but it is totally separated from affluent areas. Most people who can afford it, send their children to private or catholic schools – at least for high school.
And that is how I grew up – very segregated from the bad areas. I had the freedom to do anything in my neighborhood, but there was no traditional crime. Of course, rich kids make their own trouble like stealing dad’s car and joyriding or stealing from mommy’s cocaine supply.
I lived 15 minutes by train from NYC, but I was never allowed to go in alone. And I never would want to.
December 9th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
My mom was pretty protective of us, but gave us greater and greater permission to roam on bikes depending on how observant and responsible we were. Our neighborhood was very safe and most of her concerns were related to speeding drivers who weren’t paying attention to pedestrians.
When I started driving, my dad was really cool with giving tips on how to remember things about cars, in case we needed to describe one to a police officer. He taught me about makes, models, how to remember license plates easily, and the importance of noting anything unique about the car like dents. Dad’s mini lessons were really cool.
December 9th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I wouldn’t be an isolationist parent either. I don’t believe in restricting a kid’s environment and use of tv/vid games/etc. but just help them have a greater awareness and knowledge to things that exist in these environments. I do think it’s still kind of controversial though as to whether you should let your kids be free to do things on their own (navigate cities, etc.) and at what age is a good age to let them be unsupervised, etc. I forgot what it is but I think there’s actually a term for this..
December 9th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I was just about to write after your 2nd to last paragraph “And that was BEFORE cell phones!” And then you wrote it ;)
I grew up at the threshold between the used-to-be affluent end of a blue collar town, and the “downtown ghetto” that the other side of the tracks were slowly becoming. I went to a small Catholic school located on a convent surrounded by woods and farms outside of the city because my brother had special needs, but when I would ask my farm-raised friends to attend a sleep-over at my house, their parents would respond, “Sorry, honey, we are too afraid of all the gangs in your neighborhood.”
Did I mention that I lived in a 5-bedroom house on a 1-acre plot with a “servants quarter” in the back?
I always found this funny, and never saw myself as living in a “questionable” part of town. In fact, my high school was located in a nasty-ish part of downtown Toledo… though we had security in the parking lots, the only difference it made was to make sure you walk around with a friend. No need to worry.
I am not sure if my parents ever verbally told me anything in particular about safety and our surroundings, but I figure it was assumed that the world was our oyster when we went on family vacation every year and stayed in the cheapest, often seediest parts of town in route to our destinations. And the fact that my parents let me go to China for a summer alone at the ripe age of 21. My mom’s only fear was that I wouldn’t get enough to eat (I gained 5 pounds while there!).
It’s funny how the spokens – and unspokens – of our upbringings can make us feel more or less at home in cities verses suburbs.
December 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
I grew up near Oakland, CA. Taught me to be a tough cookie :) I learned to not talk to strangers, but not in the sense that I shouldn’t engage the world…just in the sense that grown people have no business stopping a child who isn’t theirs and I should know that! We also had the family password, since our community didn’t have school buses so EVERYBODY walked.
I think seeing from an early age what REAL “roughness” is has kept everything else in perspective. I’m a “show no fear” kind of girl. Sure, there are seedy places everywhere, but I’ve found that a lot of my friends who were more sheltered growing up equate run-down or low-income with dangerous. While they often go hand in hand, there are some places that are blighted but you don’t have to worry about stray bullets. And there are some places where you really shouldn’t be outside at all. But if you confuse the two you do kind of create a larger than necessary bubble around yourself.
When I moved to France, my study abroad director told me I had the most natural French Fight Face she’d ever seen, which surprised her since I’m “such a sweet girl.” It’s that, “What? Why are you looking at me?” face, which when accompanied with a purposeful gait and eyes that stare straight ahead can get you through a lot.
On what you posted (and I commented about) yesterday, I think what’s struck my about my recent “unsafe” feelings is that it’s a marked difference from the same time last year. I can actually see that people are more desperate and there’s more crime this December than last December…crimes of opportunity and not just random violence but crimes that come out of, probably, economic situations.
thus ends the world’s longest blog comment :)
December 9th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Great post, Nilsa. I wish I grew up that way, though I think that NY really helped get me there. I grew up very sheltered and afraid of my own shadow. I was taught to be cautious of everyone…and I was! Afraid of everybody…the doorbell would ring and I’d run and hide thinking it was a predator. I guess it taught me to be cautious and careful, but maybe to a fault?
December 9th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I think it’s a really great way to raise your kids – to be protective, but also give them the resources they need for when the parents aren’t around. Sheltering and isolating will only make things worse in the long run. I grew up in a nice suburb of Seattle, mostly middle class with a section that was very upper class. But my girlfriends and I loved to hop on the bus and go into downtown Seattle and wander around all day. When I got my driver’s license, I was lucky enough to have an old car that my uncle gave to my brother and me and I would drive that car all over the city, getting lost on purpose. That’s really one of the best ways to get to know your city. I plan on raising my children with this awareness and love for exploring and learning their surroundings. I only hope that others will do the same for their children.
December 10th, 2009 at 1:57 am
I was the shiest kid ever. I’d talk to someone only if he/she talked to me first. I remember one time, while at the mall, some random clown gave me a balloon animal. I took it and showed my mom. She got really mad that I made contact with a stranger. I think that did kind of have an impact on me. Today, I’m STILL rather shy and pretty cautious of people. I’m definitely not one to make small talk on the bus or at the grocery store. I wonder what I’ll teach my own kids. There’s gotta be a balance.
December 10th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I grew up in the middle of New York City and was taught to be well aware of my surroundings. I had freedoms beyond imagination and although a quiet child, I was free to experience just about anything my mind and physical presence allowed me to do.
However, as an adult, and moreso and adult with small children, I realize that these are different times that we live in. No longer does one neighbor really know and are able to look out for us kids. I realize that I allow my children to have a small modicum of freedom. I watch them like a hawk and they are not allowed to do half of what I did.
Once again, I live in an inner City and the thought of a stray bullet, someone walking by and snatching my children up, or doing something vile makes my stomach churn. With the economy in the crazy state it is in, many people are disenchanted and are not thinking in their right minds and are susceptible to doing almost anything. It does not stop me from living, but it does make me super aware of my surroundings while I teach and enable my children to be watchful.
I don’t believe in smothering, but I certainly believe in protecting until a child consistently shows they understand and are able to implement the values being taught to them.
December 10th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
I had the world’s most overprotective parents, and honestly I wonder how I’ve made it as far as I have. Like you, I learned to trust my intuition when things didn’t feel right – but I have no idea who taught me that.
I love the idea of raising kids the way your mom and dad did – I think it builds healthy self esteem and resourcefulness to give that kind of autonomy. But then I watch The Today Show and see little girls getting kidnapped on their way home from school and I feel panicked – which scares me even more because I might turn into MY parents! :)
December 12th, 2009 at 12:55 am
I grew up in a small town of cookie-cutter subdivisions and rather small minds, but my parents are from New Jersey (and not the good part), so I’ve felt like a city-dweller my whole life. I get much more nervous in suburbia alone in a big house than I do in my little studio in the heart of San Francisco.
January 3rd, 2010 at 3:08 pm
I grew up in Texas, in a community of about 30,000 people halfway between Austin and San Antonio. We didn’t even have a bus line that ran through our town (that I know about it)…so when I moved to Chicago almost 20 years ago, getting around even the suburbs was overwhelming. But now that I’ve grown confident in the city — I have forced myself to — I couldn’t imagine raising my children anywhere else. The sort of confidence and street smarts they have — not to mention awareness of the realities of everyday life — amazes me. If I had that sort of confidence as a child and teen-ager, I doubt I would have been so scared of life. So, yeah, I’m someone who moved INTO the city to raise my kids, although we are in a rather gentrified area (Lincoln Square), and I don’t know that I would want to live with them in an area where crime is an ongoing problem.