Definition
A few weeks ago, I suggested in my Replay post that people should be careful about telling others what’s best for them. That day, I was specifically talking about mothers who tell non-mothers their lives will become infinitely better once they have children. Presumptuous at best, as far as I’m concerned. No one really knows what’s best for us except ourselves (assuming we’re being really truthful with ourselves).
That same day, I got into a somewhat lengthy email conversation with Lisa regarding those comments. We went back and forth (we were mostly in agreement) and her final words really resonated with me. She said:
I just don’t think we should be defined by any one thing: our career, kids, health, struggles, anything. I hate that when meeting a new person the default answer to “tell me about yourself” is usually either job or kids. We’re really so much more than that, it’s kind of sad that people settle for that singular definition so easily.
Her words begged the question: Nilsa, how do you define yourself? With a little thought, here are the ways I define myself (they are in no particular order)…
Daughter. Before I was anything, I was a daughter to my parents. My role as their daughter (and they as my parents) continues to define me well into my 30s.
Sister. Niece. Granddaughter. Daughter-in-law. Cousin. Aunt. My family may be small, but we all have our roles. As the only female amongst my sibling and cousin, I like to think I’ve always had a special role (or maybe it’s just my family members telling me I’m *special*).
Friend. I am a social creature, by nature. My skin crawls when I am denied time with those I love. I most certainly hold a few besties near and dear to my heart. But, I don’t let that immediate circle define me. I try to make (and often succeed making) friends wherever I go. I am there to lend a listening ear in times of need and there to toast champagne during times of celebration. I am honest to a fault with my friends and loyal as they come. Once I am your friend, it takes a lot to break that bond.
Lover. Sweets may be one of my besties, but he is that on a much more intimate level than my friends. Since some things are treasured in my marriage, I’ll leave it at that in this blogging space.
Care-taker. I take care of many things in my life. Whether it’s our dog, SoMi, dinner on a Tuesday night, paying the bills or taking the truck in for repair. These care-taking responsibilities are things I eagerly embrace. They are not chores to me. They are part of being an adult. Part of home ownership. Part of the tick-tick-tocking to life.
Athlete. I have always been athletically inclined. Soccer and ballet as a child. Camping, cycling and kayaking, plus soccer, as a teenager. Running, cycling, soccer and hiking as an adult. So long as my health will allow it, I always plan to stay active. I can’t see life being any other way.
Professional. I have been in the full-time job market for over 13 years. I am a creative analytical type. I’m a writer, marketer, presentation developer, editor, analyst, research guru and administrative helper all rolled into one petite frame. Some people are defined by their profession. I can’t do that as I have trouble defining my profession.
Volunteer. As a teenager, I used to donate my time to a local Sunday School. In college, I helped raise money for breast cancer research. As an adult, I have been a Big Sister, tutored underprivileged children, worked with domestic violence victims, raised money for leukemia and lymphoma research and led my alumni organization. Most recently, I have been asked to participate on two Boards of Directors for non-profit organizations. While I might never have deep pockets to give money, some of my time will always be donated to causes I hold near my heart.
Photographer. Amateur photography is in my blood. My grandfather’s hobby was taking photography, especially of the environment around him (flowers, landscapes, etc.). My dad was our family photographer growing up, taking close note of my brother and me over the years. In high school, I took a leadership role in our photography club. Had photos printed in a local magazine. As an adult, I’ve always felt comfortable behind the lens. Whether clicking away with the point-and-shoot during nights out on the town or taking more thoughtful photos with my big-girl camera. While I’ll never be a professional, I’ll always have an interest in photography in its rawest of forms (post production is interesting, but I’d rather have a great photo than have to make pretty anything less).
Organizer. I’ve never been one to shy away from organizing. Whether it was Three Chicks’ Parties in my 20s, alumni events, work events, more intimate gatherings of friends, our wedding (!!) or road races for family over Thanksgiving, I’m always eager to help, offer plenty of advice/thoughts/insights to co-organizers and am happy to take the leadership reigns when needed. In another life, I would’ve rocked out being a party planner – you most definitely would’ve seen me in the Style Pages.
Blogger. Blogging has really become a part of who I am. It’s a place for me to expel my creative juices. It’s a way for me to journal my life. It’s become a community I rely on. I have made very dear friends through this blogging thing. It’s still a developing part of who I am, but I cannot deny it’s importance. I just might be a blogger for life.
I’m sure there are some things I forgot, but I like to think I hit on some of the big ones. The amazing thing about how we define ourselves is, like life, it’s fluid and changes as our lives change. Tell me, what defines you? (Don’t be surprised if this becomes a blog post all your own!)
January 12th, 2010 at 6:04 am
What a thoughtful post -- so tempted to blog about it now, but I’ll wait until I wake up a bit otherwise things defining me will be hot tea, porridge, and my bed.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Ha! I was just thinking, I SHOULD write about that. Nilsa, you read my mind (queue creepy music here).
I love what Lisa said. It is such BS to only define yourself by a few things, but when someone asks… that is generally what comes up. And generally -- all they care about! We should all make lists like this.
When you wrote “Organizer” I was thinking -- “Damn! Nilsa could have been a party planner!” Hee hee. You are such a great hostess.
January 12th, 2010 at 6:57 am
Oops! And the roles that define me? Some of the same -- athlete, professional, lover, friend, daughter, blogger, caretaker, etc. I would like to think about some of the characteristics that define me, and how those translate into roles -- like listener, soother, peace-maker. Ha ha. Know what I mean? :)
January 12th, 2010 at 8:18 am
I love the direction you took this- and I’m with Lisa, it’s always those standard items that we default to but that effects us and our imagination for ourselves.
I’m happy mess of things, whatever I am lol
January 12th, 2010 at 8:29 am
I, too, struggle with this idea of defining oneself so singularly. As I’ve labored to write my silly Match.com profile recently, this thought keeps coming back to me: I am so many things. I do not fit into a box of text.
That said, my list would be similar to yours: daughter, sister, friend, writer, yogi, giver, journeywoman. Hmm. Maybe this is a blog post indeed…
January 12th, 2010 at 8:52 am
I hate defining myself by just one of two labels. If I sat down and thought about it (and I will probably do that later) my list would be similar to yours — daughter, friend, blogger, individual, etc. As you said, how we define ourselves is always changing.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:19 am
I want to post about this too! The first thing that pops in my head is that I am a lawyer -- and that is the last thing I want to be defined by. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a fool, a romantic, a snob, a baker…an so much more.
January 12th, 2010 at 9:24 am
It’s funny but at my job I’ve been teaching classes on how to do resumes, and interview skills etc. and had to learn how best to answer “tell me about yourself” -- and I’d always thought that meant hobbies, interests, etc. but apparently that’s entirely wrong!! It’s atough question to answer in a non-job related sense though -- perhaps that’s why my “About” page is so blimmin’ long, because I can’t just pick ONE thing to define myself -- it’d be interesting to ask people how they defined themselves in a single word, though, wouldn’t it? Which one trait, characteristic, interest is that much more “you” than everything else?
January 12th, 2010 at 9:27 am
I didn’t know you were a Big Sister too! I did it for about two years and loved it. This is a great way to look at one’s life because it’s so true that we often sell ourselves short when in fact we are all a wealth of things.
What defines me is not too dissimiliar to yours though I would add that I’m a perma-bridesmaid as well =)
January 12th, 2010 at 10:07 am
I think we love defining others so we can compartmentalize each other in our heads. It’s not until we really get to know a person that we realize there are SO many dimensions to them.
On another note, please to teach me how to be organized because I’m your complete opposite in that sense.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:34 am
My ability to just be me is what defines me. It was hard won and shapes everything I do.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:38 am
“Some people are defined by their profession. I can’t do that as I have trouble defining my profession.”
With those two sentences, you explained that much better than I ever could. I can’t define my profession, it’s a little bit of everything, all of the time. That’s why it irks me a bit that so many people seem to think career is the #1 defining thing about a person. How can it define me when I can’t even define it?
I’d say I’m a geek (in a good way), blogger, photographer, wife, cook, sister… and there are so many more things I’d like to add to that list!
January 12th, 2010 at 10:45 am
This is exactly why I hate those “go around the room and tell us about yourself” things when in new classes or whatever. What in the world could I possibly say in those few seconds to sum up who I have become in the entire 34 years I have been alive. There are so many things about me that when I choose just a few to be able to answer that question I always feel like a liar because those things I list are such a tiny part of everything that makes up who I am. And its sad because sometimes people put you in a category in their mind based on what you say so I have to decide which “me” I want to be to this entire group of people just in case they can’t break that initial classification.
(We just had to do this in puppy school and I totally panicked when they went around the room and couldn’t think of ANYTHING!)
January 12th, 2010 at 10:52 am
A lot of the time I start talking about attributes not labels when someone asks me that question. Hmm, interesting.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:29 am
This is an awesome post. I need to think about it a bit more. I know who I am but I guess I’ve never really tried to put that definition into words.
Also, didn’t a study come out recently saying that having kids is correlated with becoming slightly less happy?
January 12th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
some days I just don’t want to figure out my definition. Today is one of those days. I just want to be.
January 12th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
I’ve always been a little irked that, at social gatherings, one of the first questions asked of me (and that I ask others) is, “So, what do you do?” I feel stupid asking the question, because I know that it’s such a very small part of a person. But, when meeting someone, one must start *somewhere*, right? Just as good a place as any, I suppose. Usually, I’m pretty good about quickly getting to those other parts of who the person is after the ice has been broken.
January 12th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
While I do not agree that kids are for everyone, my kids do define me, and I am sure they will continue to…just as your being a daughter defines you…I have been a parent for 20 years, only eclipsed by loving Mr. P and being a sister.
(My parents bailed on being parents, so that ended my reign as daughter.)
So I am most clearly defined by my family and my weight (sadly, but I hope this changes this year—not the family part, the weight part).
January 12th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
I don’t feel the desire to define myself. I am the sum of my parts, a shifting kaleidescope that changes with every new day. :-)
January 12th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Interesting post, Nilsa. I have a hard time defining myself. I guess I find it difficult to narrow it down. Daughter, friend, lover, blogger, organizer, worrier, puppy-momma, cook, aspiring ninja. I think that covers it … maybe.
January 12th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
I think what people likely mean is having a kid would really expand your life because you’d be so great at it. If lots of people tell you that they can envision you being a mother or you and Sweets being parents that can -only- be a real compliment. If they have a kid,,they telling you that you would be amazing at something that is not for the faint of heart : )
Nobody **ever** told me that before I had a kid--haha. Don’t bristle--just take it as very high praise. I don’t think they are saying you should, only that you would do well.
You cannot avoid being defined by your parenthood unless you aren’t doing any parenting. It is all consuming. If you hear someone talk like they are consumed--invite them to something that is adult in nature! Give them something more to talk about!! We need help to get out and do other things : ) : ) See it as a cry for help! lol
I think of you as being like a renaissance woman. A lot of irons in the fire and all that..
January 12th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
that lisa is a wise lady! as are you! this would indeed take on a whole blog post if i really got into the specifics. off the top of my head? im a daughter, counselor, runner!, lover, confidant, foodie, cocktail enthusiast, budget conscious gal.
January 12th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
Whenever someone says “tell me about yourself”, my default answer (in my head at least) is ALWAYS “I am Mandy”. For someone who knows me, it really does describe all the quirks and talents and interests and awkwardness that make me who I am. But to actually explain who I am, that is a challenge.
A few years ago, I would jump right in with all sorts of details and stories. But now, I’m more of a homebody. I don’t really do any sports, or have any dedicated hobbies or interests. My mind draws a blank. I don’t like defining myself by my work, because I’m only in that position because of limited experience. Usually, I talk vaguely about how I enjoy reading, I live with my fiance and pups, I work and go to school.
The more I think about this though, I recognize how becoming less extroverted has really affected what I share with people. Online, I take the time to develop my ‘About’ page. I don’t suffer from the same levels of shyness as I do in reality. It’s definitely some food for thought.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:17 pm
I think I’m defined by how I treat others. I try to life by the golden rule and give back to my friends and family. I want to be defined partially by success but not as much as what I do outside of it.
January 12th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
I agree with your friend’s sentiments. It bothers me when I have to define myself to people and that means ‘my job’. I also think having kids isn’t right or wrong. Everyone has their own paths to take and it’s ok if its different than the next person.
January 13th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
[...] through life « The Weekend of Smiles Snapshot January 13, 2010 Yesterday I read Nilsa’s post on how we define ourselves and of course, my brain was off and running (which isn’t uncommon [...]
January 13th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
I love this post. I feel like our culture tries to define everyone by what they do. Especially now, in the recession, people aren’t what they do for work.
I also define myself as a daughter and i wish I could be a little less daughter.
January 13th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I would like to be you when I grow up. :P I find that I’m just sort of lazy when people ask me what I do…thus I tend to give the same answer. For me, all that matters it that I(!) know who I am. As far as the rest of the world goes: they’ll define me in their own way even if I try to tell them what I’m made of. That said, I enjoyed reading what makes up you. :)
January 14th, 2010 at 1:14 am
You know it’s funny, when someone says, “tell me about yourself,” I tend to begin with, “Well, I grew up in California, but went to school and then lived/worked in Boston for a while.” So, I guess I define myself as a Californian (in my personal life) and a Bostonian (in my professional life).
You’re right, I may need to do my own post.