Letters
Every so often, it feels good to write a few letters to get things off my chest…
Dear Former Tenants: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for finally moving your offices. I’ve only been hearing about this move for the past year and wondering when it would finally take place. I’m not sorry to admit I’m excited to have the bathroom to myself. While the women of your office were generally clean (except that one older lady who liked to pee on seats and not wash her hands), I must admit I’m pretty darn stoked to have the secret bathroom at the back of our floor all to myself. That said, I’m kind of jealous your offices moved downtown. I think I’d still be willing to share a bathroom if our offices would move closer to where I live!
Dear Window Installers: Thanks to you, a good chunk of our garden has been ruined for the year. We counted no fewer than three beautiful plants that were trampled beyond recognition due to your day spent in our yard. I get you had a job to do. I just wish we had known that you wouldn’t step around our plants; at least we could’ve temporarily moved them to give you the space you needed.
Dear Teenage Taggers: We’re sick of you. No, seriously, we’re sick of you. You come through our alleys, mark up our garage doors and dumpsters and think we won’t mind. Well, we do. You’re not welcome in our neighborhood. We’ve been in touch with our Alderman and the police. People down the street have installed a “Monitored by Video Surveillance” sign and will hopefully follow-up with installation of actual cameras. You’re praying on innocent people, but we’re not dead. Remember that.
Dear Tourists and Suburbanites: Go away! OK, that’s not entirely fair nor true. Let’s try this one on for size… when you have your summer hours (i.e., no work!) and I’m still working, your insistence on coming downtown during rush hour ruins my commute. So … I’ll welcome you with open arms into the city so long as you come down for the Taste or to see the museums or whatever else you’re coming to see at either 3PM or 7PM and not between. Then, we can all get along.
Dear Body: I was patient with you through 3 months of morning sickness. I accepted that it came with the territory. But, this whole set-back into feeling queasy again? After a couple weeks of feeling great? Totally not cool. It is no longer acceptable to behave that way. Let it be known, I’m watching you.
Dear Homeless Guy: I noticed you in our park the other morning. I’ve never seen you (or any other people residing in the park) before. I know you might be a perfectly harmless guy, but letting you set up shop in our park isn’t a good idea. I’m pretty sure there are city ordinances against sleeping overnight in city parks. While I know shelters wouldn’t be your home by choice and might not accept that huge grocery cart overflowing with your valued possessions, please know it’s a more suitable place for you than our park.
Dear Police: Please note the homeless guy setting up residence under the fir trees in our park. I expect you to be as diligent about permanently removing him as you have been about removing dog owners and their unleashed, but well behaved dogs from the park. I’ll be paying close attention.
Dear FIFA Refs: I am blind. I can’t see. I wanna be a referee! Seriously. There were some astoundingly, outrageous and egregious calls made during last weekend’s World Cup soccer matches. I still don’t understand why you’re one of the last holdouts on instant replay. But, if you insist, the least you could do is install another ref in the press box to help confirm your calls, especially on the big plays. It’s only fair to all the players who put their heart and soul on the fields, let alone the millions of fans who are watching.
Phew, I’m feeling better now. How about you – any letters you’d like to write?
June 30th, 2010 at 5:25 am
Why on earth would somebody trample on your plants?? Some people have absolutely no courtesy whatsoever. We have kids next door to us and they’re constantly on our garden, pulling at the trees, and chasing our cats. A few years back, one of them actually had a pee in one of our plant pots. Disgusting!
If I start talking about FIFA referees I’ll never stop because, and you may already be aware, they disallowed an English goal but it was CLEARLY over the line by YARDS. I think that messed up our game, and the players were all off and rid of any positive vibes they had left. But I won’t dwell -- I just don’t understand why they won’t install goal line technology like athletics -- so much easier, but the president of the FA doesn’t want to take jobs off the (useless) referees. But this picture cheered me up…
“What the referee saw during the England vs. Germany match”
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs150.snc4/36887_132651006755814_132650740089174_231002_2786362_n.jpg
:)
June 30th, 2010 at 7:03 am
Dear Elvis (friend’s dog that we take into our home when his owner’s travel), Angel(our dog)and I miss you terribly. I miss your constant attention and nudgings. I miss not having my shadow everywhere I go. I miss not having that sheer excitement when I pick up your leash. You are welcome to return antime.
Dear Body, Please cooperate when I want to lose weight. Why do you feel it necessary to regain those hard lost pounds?
Wheew I feel better! Thanks for the free therapy!
June 30th, 2010 at 7:16 am
Oh lame, lady! I hope that your body reverts back to feeling great again, immediately! And who tramples plants? Honestly. Be a little professional. *rolls eyes*
June 30th, 2010 at 7:59 am
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a set back in how you’re feeling. Its definitely not cool that you have taggers who are destroying your property.
June 30th, 2010 at 8:10 am
Dear Body: It would be awesome if you’d fall asleep when I put you to bed and not two or three hours later. This insomnia thing or whatever it is has got to stop. I’m exhausted. I surrender. White flag!
****
Huge bummer about the flowers! We recently had our pool area redone and the driveway is torn up. Of course they told us that some “wear and tear” would happen so we don’t have a leg to stand on to get them to fix it. Kind of frustrating to say the least.
Boo queasy feeling. Have you heard of preggy pops? My friends swear by them; apparently you can get them at Babies R Us. Thinking of you!
June 30th, 2010 at 8:29 am
Dear Body,
A weight gain! After all that hard work!
Dear Farmers Market,
Can you hide the apricot brie and only sell it to me I will take a few wheels? Also, can you add some spinach?
Dear Rosie,
the weekends are for sleeping in, you do not have to get up at 5:30, you do not have to lick our faces and if you are up please do not use your squeaky toy.
—--
Have you seen any of the taggers or do they only come out at night? We get a few of those but not as much as I expected (but watch now, those are my famous last words)
June 30th, 2010 at 8:59 am
I would like to write a letter to the relocation company currently holding up our house purchase, but I’m not sure I would be so polite.
That stinks about your plants! Booo on the window installers!
June 30th, 2010 at 9:05 am
Dear Real Estate Market,
If the value of my condo could increase to a point where I would I would break even or just experience a small loss, that would be fantastic. If this could happen within the next 2 years, that would be fantastic.
Dear Stomach,
We are feeling better these days, but if you could let me re-introduce coffee and other forms of caffiene into my diet so I don’t feel like a walking zombie, that would be great.
***********
The ruined flowers = not acceptable. That is so unprofessional of them! What a bummer! And here’s hoping the queasiness goes away stat.
June 30th, 2010 at 9:37 am
I’ll probably get some flack for this but my letter would be to the bikers who bike to work on busy streets and take up car lanes. And don’t wear helmets! You are making it mighty easy for me to hit you when you cut in front of my car, and when I do hit you, I’d rather you didn’t crack your skull open cause you think helmets are nerdy. UGH.
June 30th, 2010 at 10:06 am
UGH! Taggers are such a fucking pain! I just noticed TWO new tags on the front entrance of my building (so rude!!) and on the side which means I will be finding paint and covering it up this weekend. Joy.
June 30th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Dear D,
You are driving me effing crazy. I hate uncertainty and all this secrecy and uncertainty is RUINING OUR RELATIONSHIP.
-Marisa
Phew, you know what, I do feel a little bit better. I no longer feel like I’m going to explode.
Also? Totally agree with you on the tourists. They really irritate me.
June 30th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Love the letters blog posts from you.
Teenage taggers. We used to get this every year (on or around the 4th of July) on the cinder block wall that surrounds out yard (which faces a busy, well-traveled road for everyone to see). Are they that desperate for attention or is it that important for them to join the gang that requires this.
My solution, if I ever decide to do it, is to cover the wall (or garage door or fence) with a clear covering that is not detected at 2am when they do they tagging, then remove it, thus removing their gang-related message to the neighborhood the net morning. I have no idea if this would work, but you can bet if I do decide to do this, that I will blog about it.
Our city comes to repaint our wall within 48 hours of any graffiti, which is nice, but leaves our wall 10 different shades of gray and tan.
June 30th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Don’t get me started on the FIFA refs! Crazy pants. Is there some reason they cling to the no instant repay rules? I just don’t get it.
June 30th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Noooo. More morning sickness? That’s just cruel.
I assume you’ve heard the latest FIFA joke, but just in case: Why did the chicken cross the road? According to FIFA, it didn’t. Bahaha.
June 30th, 2010 at 11:12 am
dear body: i know i must have done *something* to anger my tailbone so much. but come on. it’s been 4 months. you could really start getting better ANY FREAKING TIME now.
dear boyfriend’s office: please stop being such an asshole. i’d like to see him occasionally.
June 30th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well. I hope that it passes soon and you get to enjoy this beautiful weather we’re having.
I wanted to say too that I’m completely with you on the tourists/suburbanites thing. I’ve been driving to work a lot lately (very generous boyfriend has given me the keys) and am dealing with the same bs as you. People need to stay the eff home! I’m so glad there aren’t the big fireworks this year! Hopefully the city won’t be as crowded now….as long as we stay away from the Taste this weekend!
Happy 4th!
June 30th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I think it’s good to put these sorts of pleas out into the universe. Maybe someone or something will hear (and answer) them!
June 30th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Dear Canada: Thank you for having a stat holiday tomorrow. I am very excited to sleep in tomorrow morning :)
June 30th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Oh, teenage taggers for the win I say. Wait, no I don’t.
June 30th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Because we have a pretty mild climate in Kamloops there are A LOT of homeless people. And our beautiful park, with the beautiful running path, by the beautiful river? Full of ‘em. Drives me nuts. I’m sorry, I’m not an elitist or anything but I want to feel SAFE walking or running through the park that MY tax dollars help maintain!
June 30th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
Peeing on the seat and not washing hands??? EWW! Blech. Good riddance!
Apparently they removed about ten refs and have sent them packing. Even though some damage has been done, they will not be working the pitch for the rest of the WC! I hope the other refs are not as bad though.
Can’t believe you’re feeling queasy again. I hope it goes away though for the rest of the pregnancy!
July 1st, 2010 at 8:36 am
Even at 24 weeks, I still have the occasional day of feeling like death. Yuck.
Now, for a letter…
Dear Step-Family,
I’m sorry that you have such a hard time getting along with each other, but Facebook is really not the best place to air your dirty laundry. Stop making passive-aggressive status updates and sending messages to the whole family being stupid and petty. Grow up, and get over it. I’m not interested.
Love,
Erin