Donation
Last week, I came across a column, which led me to a radio segment transcript; both were about sperm donation. I read both items with interest, because the previous weekend I found myself in a discussion about sperm donor children and some of the challenges related to anonymous sperm donation.
Why on earth would I find myself in the middle of such a conversation? Well, these blogger friends expressed that they weren’t 100% clear on the relationship between the baby, her mamas and me. And, to be honest, they weren’t the first blogger friends to ask for more clarification. It seems, my friends, that I’ve been a bit vague about that part of my life. And while some of the mystery is on purpose (their stories aren’t always my stories to tell), these women have become an integral part of my life and therefore deserve some explanation.
A number of years ago, my brother was approached by the baby’s mamas (whom he knew through work) to see if he’d be interested in donating sperm, because they wanted to start a family. The three of them spent about a year discussing the intricacies of this sort of arrangement. They had probably a dozen face-to-face meetings (my brother lived in NYC and the couple lived in New England). They saw doctors. And they met with attorneys. By the end of that time, they ironed out a plan. It wasn’t clear what kind of role my brother would play in his daughter’s life, but he would be present. His daughter would know who her biological father was.
In January 2008, my niece (Baby Z) was born. My brother had been somewhat involved in the pregnancy and was there for the birth. My parents drove down to see their first grandchild. And I was stuck in Chicago, never having met either of the women, nor my niece. I met the couple and my niece for the first time about a month later on a whirlwind trip to Boston. Though the women seemed lovely, I felt very left out. I hardly knew them and certainly didn’t feel a connection to this very exciting time in their lives.
And then it happened. Jobs were shuffled, lives were rearranged and the women plus my niece moved to Chicago. All of a sudden, these virtual strangers whom had been welcomed into our family by my brother and parents were my neighbors. And you know what? Like my parents, I was excited to finally have an opportunity to get to know them. To be that last link to fully welcome and adopt them into our family.
The past two-plus years have been an amazing journey of getting to know two fabulous women and one hilariously independent and snarky little kid. If at first we got together around visits from my out-of-town family, now we get together as friends, independent of whether my family will be visiting or not. My niece? She knows who her moms and their respective families are. But, she also knows who her dad is (thanks to video chats and visits when possible) and has gotten to know our family, too.
Back to that column and radio transcript I linked to earlier. If you take the time to read them, you’ll notice an overriding theme is that kids born from sperm donors often have serious identity issues later in life. They wonder who their father is and often go on massive campaigns to find him. But, in my niece’s case, she’s known from an early age who her father is. And while her definition of family might be different from how her future classmates define their own families, there is no doubt Baby Z is surrounded by a large and very loving family. A family who will certainly contribute to her very own definition of identity.
August 24th, 2010 at 5:36 am
I was a little fuzzy on the whole connection, but I figured I’d either missed a post or it wasn’t any of my business! But now I know! Thanks for the explanation!
August 24th, 2010 at 7:19 am
Baby Z is one lucky kid -- as her new sibling will be soon. I am huge believer that the more people you have to love and who love you, the better you are in life.
Just this weekend I was talking with friends about the fact that “family” is what you make it to be and is not limited by genetics. While that is a little off topic from your post, I think the theme is close enough.
August 24th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Thanks for catching us up--I also had been wondering a little bit. Sounds like a wonderful family, and what a lucky kid “z” is to have so many loving family members!
August 24th, 2010 at 7:54 am
I am a firm believer in the fact that family is something we all define for ourselves. Baby Z and her soon to be little sister are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing family unit surrounding them. They are going to grow up being loved by so many people.
August 24th, 2010 at 8:12 am
Reason 1001 that you guys are just about the coolest family unit ever, in my books :) I love that Baby Z and your brother have a connection -- it takes a village and how cool that she gets such a wonderful and loving extended family :) Lucky kid!!
August 24th, 2010 at 9:45 am
I think it’s a pretty awesome thing your brother and the baby mama’s have done. And they’ve done it with integrity and thoughtfulness to how it plays out for all parties involved. What a gift to have them close and to get to watch your niece(s!) grow up and them watch Grasshopper grow up. Family is not just something we’re born into and you’re all testament to that.
August 24th, 2010 at 9:53 am
I love this arrangement. Sounds like it’s worked out beautifully for all involved.
August 24th, 2010 at 10:25 am
I know I have told you this before, but I think it is so wonderful that she has so many people there to love her. So many times families don’t work that way and it is just sad. Your family seems pretty amazing.
August 24th, 2010 at 10:34 am
I ws definitely curious about the connection between you, the baby mamas, and your niece, but never felt that it was appropriate for my to ask… So thanks for sharing their story!!
August 24th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Ditto what Lisa said, I was also curious and didn’t totally get it so thanks for sharing.
I LOVE family units like yours. I think that unusual or nontraditional family units make some of the best families.
My parents have been “divorced” since I was 10 yet we all still get together on family occasions and we still take trips, the four of us. It’s not THAT unusual, but people didn’t get it when I was growing up. The important thing is I had both sides of my family in my life and was surrounded by love. Same thing for Baby Z, she just has more people to love and support her :)
August 24th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Your niece since the moment she was born has been in a very loving and caring family. And that’s always the most important. All a kid wants is to be loved, cared for and given the proper attention.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Wow, I think this is a pretty cool story… and I love how you and your family have all worked it out. This is definitely one lucky kid there!
August 24th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Your family is seriously the coolest.
My sister-in-law’s brother is gay and I used to tell him he would have to be my donor -- and that it would be perfect because we already knew our gene pools (my brother and his sister) make beautiful babies!
August 24th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
What an amazing story, my heart always warms when I hear of people helping people. I think as long as a child has support and understanding at every step of their lives, they will be happy and adjusted, no matter what their story.
August 24th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I think it’s a very awesome, heart-warming story you’ve got there. I found myself in a discussion a few weeks ago re: sperm donors and would I use one if I don’t get married for whatever reason and want a kid. I think the answer would be yes, especially if I could work out arrangements and etc with an open-minded individual.
August 24th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I had sort of guessed at the connections, but didn’t want to ask (none of my business).
Whatever they are--Baby Z is lucky to have so many people who love her. Family isn’t always just bloodlines, but love and life lines, and sounds like she has those in spades!
August 24th, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Baby Z (and new baby!) is so lucky to be part of such a wonderful family.
August 24th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
i wasn’t *entirely* clear on the relationship, but had most of the pieces in place! what a large, wonderful family you’re bringing grasshoper into :)
August 24th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
I love this family dynamic. I love that Baby Z has all this family that she knows, and I love that you guys have adopted the mamas into the family too, it all just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
And honestly, I doubt her future classmates will be able to define their families. We got into a conversation about this at work recently, with step families, second cousins that are the same age as first cousins — and we couldn’t even define third cousins — all of the stuff that comes with being a family, there is nothing at all easily defined or “normal” about any of it. I think family relationships always end up looking like some crazy flow chart, and all that matters is you love one another!
August 24th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I just love the story behind Baby Z and new baby’s creation. There are so many people who love them and what more could they ever ask for? They’ll always have a great group of people in their corner.
August 24th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
did your brother donate his sperm for the new arrival as well?
August 24th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
I am glad you wrote this post — I thought I was the only one who missed the post where you originally explained the relationship, so I was too ashamed to ask! :)
August 24th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
How incredible how we have completely changed our definition of family from the traditional nuclear mom, dad and kids we used to have. I find it liberating to have so many definitions and possibilities now. Yay for your brother, the mamas and all the family involved in raising these children. It indeed takes a village!
August 25th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I love how the word family is growing and expanding over time.