Expectations
I’ve had this post drafted for almost a week now. I wrote it before Gavin came home. And while the subject is something of a more serious tone, I don’t want you to think things have been bad since Gavin came home. In fact, things have been really great as we transition into our new routine.
My pregnancy with Gavin was pretty easy up until it took a swift left turn when I least expected it. He was born 9 weeks early under circumstances that were a far cry from my birth plan (or wish list as some might tell you). There were some minor disappointments with the way things turned out, but for the most part, I quickly came to peace with the path my life was taking. I accepted I was going to have a premie. I was OK with needing a c-section. I came to terms with the reality that I wouldn’t have skin-on-skin time with him immediately after birth. At the end of the day, I wanted a healthy baby and that’s exactly what I got. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing. That’s the course I was meant to take and I have no regrets.
However, there has been one area that continues to bother me and that’s breastfeeding. Because Gavin was being fed through a feeding tube when he was first born, I had to pump. And from the start, I wasn’t able to produce much milk. I spoke to the lactation consultant at the hospital as well as countless nurses. I did my own research on the web and through some breastfeeding/parenting books. I spoke to a lactation consultant not associated with the hospital. And I had countless conversations with Sweets.
You see, all along, my plan was to breastfeed. The bonding time with our baby. The health benefits. The monetary savings from not having to buy formula. All of those were reasons why both Sweets and I felt strongly about breastfeeding. And then I met my challenge. I wasn’t able to produce nearly enough. Instead of producing bottles of milk, I was producing small syringes full. People kept telling me it’d get better. But, it never did.
At first, I felt like a complete failure. It took many weeks for me to overcome the idea I was failing our child. That he would be forever different as a result. During this time, my brain told me breastfeeding was nonsense. Not that the act of breastfeeding is nonsense. Clearly, I felt strongly about the benefits of it. But that there are plenty of children who are not breastfed. And there’s no way that all of them are plagued with the health problems activists lactivists might suggest. My brain was smartly telling me that raising our child on formula would be just fine.
However, it was my heart that was broken by the thought of being unable to breastfeed. The idea that I wouldn’t have that bonding time with my child. That I would be perceived as doing wrong by my child by the breast feeding mamas who see formula as the devil. That I wouldn’t be able to do something that I set out to accomplish (yeah, I’m one of those avid believers that I can do whatever it is I want to do so long as I set my mind to it).
And so, I tried. I tried just about everything the experts and non-experts told me to try. Use a hospital grade breast pump. Drink lots of water. Limit your water intake. Eat oatmeal. Try Mother’s Milk Plus. Drink beer. Massage your breasts. Pump after taking a shower. Look at photos of your baby. Spend kangaroo time with your baby. Wake up in the middle of the night to pump. Don’t pump in the middle of the night, so you can get good sleep while your baby is in the NICU. (I opted not to try the prescription drugs that are supposed to help, because my doctor feels that a mother shouldn’t pump herself up with a bunch of hormones that are just going to be passed along to the baby … and I tend to agree.) Though the advice was varied, the message was the same: there is something you can do to increase your milk production, you just have to try.
The advice seemed both endless and yet so entirely incomplete. What bothered me most was not that there was all this advice that didn’t seem to work for me. What bothered me most is all this advice was geared towards moms who were in the act of breastfeeding. Not moms who were entirely limited to pumping. There seemed to be virtually no information for mothers of premies. Mothers whose children are still in the hospital. Mothers who don’t have the luxury of sitting at home with baby in lap trying to get baby to latch to mother in a calm and peaceful and private setting. There wasn’t even much technical advice for how to best utilize the pump.
And it wasn’t just the internet that left me lonely. Both lactation consultants seemed to have very little to offer in the way of pumping advice. The nurses who see mothers of premies everyday could offer observations (mostly in support of my efforts), but very little real advice. Friends and family trying to be supportive, saying STICK WITH IT, HE’LL GET IT, DON”T GIVE UP and yet, they had no idea how lonely and isolating and frustrating and disappointing it was to pump and pump and pump and take a break for a couple hours and pump again and do this all day long, day in and day out, while trying one gimmick after another and watching each one bring more disappointing results. And yet, a couple hours later, I was back at it again.
I was turning down offers to see friends. I all but stopped blogging and severely limited how much time I spent on the Internet. I skipped out on many Thanksgiving activities with out-of-town family. I raced from pumping at home to the hospital, so I could spend a few fleeting moments with Gavin before needing to pump again. Pump and pump and pump, because you know what? I wasn’t then (and am not now) ready to give up. I’m not ready to accept that just because my mom had difficulty breastfeeding that I will too. I keep telling myself that my body wasn’t ready to produce the correct amount of milk, given Gavin was 9 weeks early, even though I see other moms of premies showing up to the hospital with bottles full of breast milk. That if I just wait until Gavin comes home, I’ll be able to practice latching with him in the comfort of my own home, without his monitoring leads getting in the way, without nurses jumping in to help out, without the dizzying fluorescent lights overhead. That it’ll somehow be less stressful on all of us, which will allow me to produce the milk that’s needed. That if I keep pumping until his due date around Christmas, I will magically begin producing what’s needed to breastfeed my child. I keep telling myself it’s not time to give up. Not yet.
And so, the vicious cycle continues. I continue to try without seeing much success. I continue telling myself to stick with it. I continue listening to people tell me what’s been told to me before. I continue to smile as people tell me what it’ll be like to balance work with pumping, what it’ll feel like to bond with my child as I breastfeed him, how great it’ll be to have those moments with my child. I listen and smile and nod, because I don’t have the heart to tell them that might not be our path. And maybe I’m not yet ready to tell myself that either.
December 1st, 2010 at 7:49 am
It’s hard to give advice and i’m not sure you want or need any more but just rest assured that you are not alone in this and by reaching out i bet you will find plenty of other people who are in the same boat and can symapthise
much love
December 1st, 2010 at 9:00 am
Nilsa, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. For both you and Sweets. I hope that things look up from here in this challenge of yours. Know that I’m rooting for you all the way. xoxo
December 1st, 2010 at 9:56 am
Oh Nilsa, I am so sorry it isn’t going how you expected or wanted. I think maybe the hardest part (besides the actual pumping and being frustrated part) is findind a way to be ok with the fact that you are still a great mom even if you don’t breastfeed. For me, when I had no luck with the twins, I just kind of mourned what I had expected to be and it took a really long time to get over what I THOUGHT it would be like and get to being fine with what was really happening. You are a great mom whether you do or don’t breastfeed. The fact that you are even worried about this and working so hard makes you an even better (or maybe more thoughtful? I can’t find the right word for what I mean here) mom than many breastfeeding moms that it came easy for. You are struggling, you are trying, and if it works, great. If not? Still great. You will just bond while feeding him his bottle instead. I am here for you 100% and if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. Even if you just want to complain to someone, I am here. Whatever you end up doing will be wonderful and he will always know he is loved.
December 1st, 2010 at 9:57 am
My sister-in-law struggled w/ the same thing as their son was born prematurely… Not as prematurely as Gavin, but still earlier than planned (and she also had a c-section). I know it was really hard on her when she finally made the decision to stop pumping (she couldn’t produce enough either).
I hope that something changes and your milk production increases… or if you decide to not breat feed, I hope that you have a feeling of peace when/if you make that decision. Such a tough thing. :(
December 1st, 2010 at 10:03 am
I sat and watched my sister get severely depressed when she was unable to breastfeed. While I agree that breastfeeding is better, all things equal, all things are not equal for you and Gavin right now. If things continue to be stressful, I wonder if coming to terms with the formula path might not be better, for you—while Gavin is certainly primary, you are an important part of that relationship. It is too hard to feel like you are letting each other down when biology is at work. If you are able to let go (if you have to), I think you will find that you bond just fine and he will still be perfect and he will never know the difference.
December 1st, 2010 at 11:06 am
Oh, Nilsa -- that is so so hard. You dream of something and then the reality isn’t what you expected.
I’m glad the you “know” that everything will work out ok. Keep trying until your heart tells you it’s time to stop. (And the smile and nod response? Perfect. We all parent our own ways.)
My “bible” for all things parenting online is here -- http://www.askmoxie.org/ Her site is searchable and the comments and community are amazing.
Good luck!!
December 1st, 2010 at 11:29 am
While we have similar situations with the birth of our sons this is one area that does different….so I will not providing you with any advice. But the NICU has ruined me in a different way….I can’t bring myself to breastfeed. It is too stressful. I have no idea how much he is getting, or if it is even enough or any at all! After all the hospital grade pump is much stronger than his little mouth is. I don’t plan to even try again until after his due date. I too am missing that bonding time and it kills me. It breaks my heart to see him root towards my breast when I pick him up to be fed and wish I didn’t have to mix milk with fortifier or warm a bottle up so he doesn’t have to wait. But I want him to gain weight and I want him to continue to grow and develop. I think what you are doing is admirable. I am not sure I would have been as strong as you are. You are an amazing mother, Gavin is one lucky dude! :)
December 1st, 2010 at 11:30 am
Oh, this is so frustrating. I am so impressed with how tenacious you are being with this. Certainly, no matter the outcome, you will definitely be able to say that you absolutely tried your best! I hope your milk supply increases, but if not, you know, that’s just how it’s going to be and Gavin will continue to be happy and healthy (plus Dan will be able to participate more in the feeding/bonding experience, which I’m sure he’d love).
December 1st, 2010 at 11:33 am
Hugs. There are so many things that I wish that I can’t even put in to coherent words right now. I wish there was more research into premature birth and lactation. You can’t convince me it’s there now when the information conflicts so much. And I wish that the research wasn’t just on a large scale, but that individual hospitals researched what *they* are doing. That LCs would follow up after patients go home and see how many were able to establish nursing and if they are happy with their breastfeeding situation. Maybe they need to introduce the breast earlier, use nipple shields more often, work on different holds and tips for nursing a baby that only weighs 4 lbs (much harder than it sounds!) Maybe if supply problems are common they need to do whatever they can from the very beginning to help — check flange fit, help with insurance and pump rental, maybe even starting with herbs right away.
I wish that lactivists would stop treating preemie moms like full term moms. I wish they would promote breastfeeding to new mothers and advocate for things like nursing in public, but they would stop vilifying formula. I wish they would stop yelling about how NICU doctors and nurses are sabotaging breastfeeding relationships by giving bottles and causing nipple confusion, and understand that the NICU is different. I wish they would understand that when your child is born months early, living in an incubator hooked up to machines, breastfeeding is not the ultimate end goal, LIVING is. I wish certain outspoken lactivist bloggers would stop acting like they know more than doctors and nurses. I wish they would *listen* when moms say they are having supply issues instead of saying “you get less when you pump, it is not your supply” or “only 2% of women really have low supply, that is just an excuse women make when they don’t want to put in the work to breastfeed.”
Wonder if Santa could bring us any of that this year?
December 1st, 2010 at 11:33 am
I feel like I’ve learned more about breastfeeding in the past 2 months than I have in the past 29 years! Besides you, there are 1 or 2 other bloggers I read who are going through the exact same thing. Which tells me you really aren’t alone and that there’s obviously a severe lack of information for what seems to be a fairly common thing for moms of premies.
I don’t really have an opinion on breastfeeding (yet!), but I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have to navigate this path with all the strife. You should NOT feel bad if your breastfeeding is not taking the same path as you intended or as the activists tell you it should. Plenty of us were raised on formula for plenty of reasons, and we’ve turned out just great. What’s important is that you’re doing what you need to do to ensure Gavin gets the nutrients he needs. Whether that comes from you or somewhere else, that’s all that matters. And I know you’ll create plenty of ways to bond with your new baby, breastfeeding or not.
December 1st, 2010 at 11:42 am
I can feel your frustration and pain. Just know that no matter what happens and what you choose, you are supported, you are an amazing mamma and you will do what’s right for your family and no one need judge you for it and if they do, I will smack them silly. You do what’s right for YOUR family. Always. We will be there to back you up 100 percent. Don’t forget that.
December 1st, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Sorry to hear this Nilsa. I really have no advice or insights other than to go with your gut and do what you think/feel is right for your family. Sending good thoughts that you start producing more milk soon. You’re a wonderful mom! XO
December 1st, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Sending you lots of good milk vibes!
December 1st, 2010 at 12:59 pm
Nilsa, I just want to send my love, support and encouragement. I know just where you are. My daughter was 3 weeks early (which is nothing compared to what you’ve been through) but I also had a c-section. She wouldn’t/couldn’t latch; we had the worst time of it for 2 weeks before I gave in and began using the pump full-time. Twenty minutes at the pump, every two hours, for ten months.
I know what you’re feeling and how isolating it is stuck between breastfeeding and bottlefeeding. I cried and cried over it, and when my supply gave up at 10 months I was devastated. I did everything you described to ramp it back up -- I was so close to my 12 month goal! -- but it flat-out wasn’t to be. My body was done. And then I cried some more, and bought my first can of formula. It took me a while to get over it, but she is happy and healthy. That’s what matters (as you clearly already know).
All this to say… it’s going to be okay, whatever happens. Please don’t feel isolated, though, because there ARE other exclusive pumper moms out there. There are some support boards I could dig up for you if you like -- I know they helped me through some hard spots.
That beautiful, perfect boy of yours is going to be happy, healthy and fed no matter what. You’re doing so great.
December 1st, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I’m not quite sure what to say as I have no experience in this area. But I will say that I’m sorry that you are feeling so down about not breastfeeding. While there are many positives to it, make sure to not stress yourself out about the fact that it is not going well. All you can do is try and if that is not enough, then maybe Gavin is a formula baby. Either way, he is healthy and at home and that’s what really matters!
December 1st, 2010 at 1:39 pm
I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know. I only nursed both of my girls for less than a month. Hannah was sick all the time. Livie has been sick maybe 4 times ever in 2 years? And she’s never needed doctor’s visits for it or antibiotics. It’s hit or miss and I think it has to do moreso with genes than actual breastfeeding. Gavin will be fine either way and you also know this. As far as bonding…well Livie still has her bottle. She won’t hold it either. She’ll lay in our laps like she’s nursing with her face as close to my chest as possible and her arms on my chest or on her blankie like she’s nursing. I consider that her way of bonding and it’s with a bottle. But you know this too…that you can still bond even if you don’t nurse. Nursing is hard on even moms of full term babies so I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I admire your commitment.
December 1st, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Oh Nilsa, I hate that you’re going through this, on top of everything else. As you know, my situation was vastly different, but if even I struggled to find pumping information (for pumping at work, w/ afull term baby), I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for you. I do know, though, that breastfeeding or not has nothing to do with how good of a mother you are, or how your child will do in the long term. So as long as you want to keep going, keep going, but if that’s not your path, you and Gavin will both be amazing either way.
December 1st, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I’m sorry you’re feeling a major lack of support. I was formula fed from day one and I turned out okay :) You’re doing the best you can for Gavin, you can’t do any more than that.
Big hugs, lady.
December 1st, 2010 at 1:58 pm
i know this won’t help you in the supply area, but: i have a friend whose baby never learned to latch, so her son ended up exclusively bottle fed as a result. initially she hated it, and felt guilty, etc etc etc… but came to actually *love* that her baby’s father could have an equal amount of bonding time, since they’d share feedings equally, and felt like her baby was luckier than others to have such special bonding with his dad so early on. incidentally, he is also now a strapping and healhty 2 year old who is as tall as a 4 or 5 year old :)
December 1st, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Hi Nilsa!
Bethany (Ortlam) Wanamaker went through this with both of her children. Her oldest was in the NICU, and I felt like I was listening to her while I was reading your blog. I know she would love to talk to you about it if/when you are ready. I’m thinking of you and your new family and of course hoping for the best. There are always many opinions on breastfeeding….you are an amazing woman….trust yourself too.:) Here’s a hug!
December 1st, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I certainly have no advice to give, only my support for what you are doing. Sending much hugs, love and you know I’m always here if you need anything!
December 1st, 2010 at 4:07 pm
I have no advice, just hugs. And know that you aren’t alone- even though my situation is VASTLY different than yours, I’ve had a really tough time pumping (though it’s finally starting to get better!) I spent weeks doing exactly what you said- and you are right, there is VERY little advice out there for pumping moms, other than eat oatmeal and ‘meh, sometimes it just doesn’t work.’ (SERIOUSLY??!! WTH??!)
You are doing amazing, Mama. Breastfeeding is SO. STINKING. HARD. and that’s even with a full-term, healthy baby, not a preemie. After giving up at 6wks last time, I was stubborn this time with breastfeeding, to the point of tears nearly every day & night. It has paid off, just know that. But also know that if it doesn’t pay off for you, it’s NOT your fault. xoxo
December 1st, 2010 at 4:34 pm
I wish this wasn’t so frustrating for you. I don’t want to give advice, but I think being stressed doesn’t help. Have you thought of looking for ideas outside of the medical advice (or lack thereof). I really don’t know if there is anything, but a natural healer or accupunturist or something like that might be something to try??
December 1st, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Okay, I so understand. Well, except for the part about having a premie in the hospital for the first month. But I had the HARDEST time when I started pumping. It did NOT go well. At all. I don’t have a top of the line pump, and I’m not sure what kind you have. BUT, one thing a lactation nurse told me to try that worked for me for a while was to do this when you started pumping: make the speed high and the suction low. pump for 2 minutes. then, slowly decrease the speed and increase the suction until you’re about half way fast and as high on the suction as you can stand. That would usually really help my milk let down because I don’t let down easily. To this day (MM’s almost 6 months old) I rarely leak. RARELY. I’m barely making enough milk to feed her and we just started supplementing last week. I say all that to say I definitely get the frustration of not producing. For me, I was very prideful about it all. I did NOT want to break down and supplement with formula. Once I did, though, I almost feel like my production increased a little. Can’t help but wonder if it was because a little of the pressure was gone.
I want to tell you to hang in there. But you probably want to reply “get lost”! :) Like you, I wonder if things will get a little easier closer to your original due date. Time will tell. But there are millions of babies out there on formula, and they are a-ok.
December 1st, 2010 at 6:00 pm
I too have found that lactation consultants have very little legitimate advice to give mother’s who pump full time. The truth is, the mother who pumps full time is a rare breed, and most full time pumpers don’t last that long. I think LC’s just tend to overlook us because of that.
Full time pumping is HARD. I still struggle with it daily, and I’ve got almost 12 weeks under my belt. I didn’t wake up for my 1:30 pump this morning, and it completely screwed up the rest of my day. It’s very frustrating.
And, there’s no end in sight for me. The girls just never learned to feed successfully directly from the breast. With my 2 month long infection, we just couldn’t practice like we needed to, and now that I’m back at work, there just isn’t time. It’s disappointing, but I’m going to keep doing what I can to provide breast milk for my babies as long as I can. I don’t think there is anything wrong with formula, and I’ll go there if I have to, but I finally feel like I can get my body to do something amazing, and I want to keep going!
December 1st, 2010 at 6:01 pm
How frustrating. Even though I have not been in this situation, I can feel how stressful it is, and how low it makes you feel. We all support you and hope that whatever ends up happening, you come to peace with it and know you are an awesome mom. I think things will be better now that Gavin is home :)
December 2nd, 2010 at 2:31 am
I just want to offer up that there are so many rewarding moments coming for you as Mom that will overshadow these worries. Getting through doctors visits, caring for your baby when they are sick, seeing their first everything, taking him to the grocery store, having professional pictures taken, the pumpkin patch, the family reunion, his birthdays, sharing pictures of every little thing they do, having time to go pick out sweet clothes or a fun toy and seeing him get excited.
There are a million little/big events waiting for you and they will all be magical,hard,surprising, scary,funny(etc) regardless of how you feed him. The pace of parenting really picks up soon too and you won’t always be sitting around mulling this over in the middle of winter. You will be in the moment with a growing little guy who is awake more and more and spending most of that time letting you know in unmistakable ways what a great Mom you are and how much you and Sweets are needed. So much is about feeding right now. That changes much faster than you can feel right now.
Is your husband rubbing your feet? I think that is mandatory for the first 3 months. Pretty sure..
December 2nd, 2010 at 8:44 am
My dear friend. My sister (the one who lives close by in Marblehead) had a hard time breastfeeding at first, too. She and the baby eventually got the hang of it, but given she went back to work at the three-month-mark, out came the pump. And I kid you not, Nilsa, I feel like all my sister does is pump milk. No joke. So while of course I can’t necessarily *share* in your frustration, I have been witness to my sister’s frustration and irritation and total EXHAUSTION with the whole process.
I am so, so, so impressed by your determination. Gavin is a very lucky little boy to have such a mother.
December 2nd, 2010 at 10:41 am
Aw Nilsa, I’m so sorry! Having a new baby, and a premie at that sounds like challenge enough without having to struggle with this. I have no advice, but be kind to yourself and know that there’s no success or failure in this stuff, just what works for your family <3
December 2nd, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I second what Karen B wrote. In the right now, it seems as though it will never end and never get easier and never work out. But then, one day, it does. Somehow, someway…pumping or nursing or formula. There is so much to look forward to that isn’t related to feeding.
I’m glad things are getting better now that he’s home. You three will fall into your routine, the routine that works for your little family. You may have a larger mountain to climb with Gavin that a mother with a full-term baby but we have all been there in one way or another. You do what is best for you and for Gavin. Period.
Some days you just need to hear “You’re doing a great job as a mother.” And you are.
December 3rd, 2010 at 2:00 am
Nilsa…you have faced some really tough challenges with a lot of grace and I’m sorry that so far nothing about your birth experience and now your breastfeeding experience has worked out exactly the way you would’ve wanted (other than the most important thing--that Gavin is beautiful and healthy and perfect!!).
You are, of course, going to do whatever you think is best for you and Gavin, so I’m not going to tell you what to do. Every mother makes the choices that work best for her and I can sense your determination to make this work and I really admire you for your perseverance through all of this! I will tell you that I did not breastfeed my daughter but that did not diminish the closeness I experienced with her as I fed her and she was and is an extremely healthy baby. I tell you this only to let you know that if at some point you decide you can’t go on, it’s okay. Feeding, even with formula, can still be a special experience, and I don’t think that gets a lot of press in our “breast is best” culture. I’m not arguing against breastfeeding or anything of that sort, simply saying that it’s not the end of the world if you don’t or can’t. So just be kind to yourself…you’ve been through a lot and what Gavin needs the most is a happy and healing mommy.
Glad Gavin is doing well and home with you! What a special time this is for all of you. I remember the first few weeks home with my daughter as magical. :) Take care…
December 3rd, 2010 at 10:14 am
Oh Nillsa, I wish that I had tips to share or words that can help. Although I have no experience in this, I admire your frankness with your frustration. Before things become realities we have these thoughts and beliefs about how resolved we will be about something. then life happens and things are not as smote nor easy as we though it would be.
You are in my thoughts!
December 3rd, 2010 at 4:01 pm
I say do whatever you feel you need to do. Bless your heart for not giving up! I know lots of moms who had trouble with pumping and breastfeeding and no one that I know was as determined as you sound. More power to you! But don’t send yourself over the edge trying. You gotta take care of you, too, missy. I hope things get better. I’ll try to put some positive milk thoughts out into the universe for you. :) XO
December 4th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Woah, you go girl. Gavin has one seriously determined mommy, which I know will be what will eventually bring you much success in bonding -- however that may look.