Only
Just like the day after we got married and people started inquiring about when we’d start a family, (not quite, but almost) the day after Gavin was born, people began inquiring about when we’d give Gavin a sibling.
ONE AND DONE!!!
That’s what Sweets and I have been politely and not so politely telling people when they inquire about more kids. It’s not that our minds are made up. Or maybe they are. But, telling people you’re done with one child quiets the inevitable conversation about timing: when will you start trying? About space: when will you move, because you definitely don’t have enough space now? About location: you know the suburbs are in your future, because you surely can’t raise children in the city, right? And, about money: how on earth can you afford to raise children these days???
Both Sweets and I grew up with younger brothers. Regardless of sibling rivalries when we were kids, we now pretty much get along with our brothers. We can roll our eyes together at the things our parents say and we can provide our children the opportunity to have cousins in their life. So, you’d think we would be hot to trot to offer Gavin the experience of life as an older brother.
Plus, who wants to be an only child? There are all sorts of terrible traits associated with only kids. They’re spoiled by their parents. They don’t know how to share. They lack social skills. They certainly must be lonely. The list surely goes on. And sure, sometimes those generalities are true. But, you know what? They also sometimes hold true for kids with siblings. So, I’m pretty sure whether a child has a sibling or not does not determine his or her fate in the world.
Plus, three out of Gavin’s four grandparents were only children. And based on those all-too-common generalities about onlies, you’d never know three quarters of his grandparents didn’t grow up with siblings. Gavin’s grandparents are all accomplished people. Had (and have) fruitful careers. Married incredible partners. Raised amazing families. Traveled (and still travel) the world. Have large, incredibly dynamic social circles. Have contributed in downright breathtaking ways to the communities around them. Need I go on?
There must be something good that comes out of being an only child, right?
Yesterday, I was reading this article written by an only. Did you know nearly a quarter of modern families (in the U.S.) have only children? Maybe it’s by choice (one and done!), maybe it’s just a start (the article doesn’t address whether all these families are done with one or will have additional kids in the future) and maybe, just maybe it’s by force (infertility, divorce), but it’s a fact that we cannot deny. As one of the author’s friends suggested:
Sharing? Do you know how much easier it is to share as an adult when you didn’t have to protect what’s yours as a little kid? … It’s easier to give away a big slice of pie when you’ve had all that extra pie to yourself for so long.
And then, I went on to read this article. I found myself nodding in agreement when the author made an observation about our society thinking it’s ok to outwardly judge people who have only one child. Heck, even Sweets and I do it to some extent as we consider whether or not to expand our own family. Is it fair to Gavin to grow up without siblings? Is life more interesting when you can share it with a sibling? Is it fair to throw aging parents on an only child? We don’t have any final answers; we might never really know until we’re old and gray (ok, fine, older and grayer).
I was particularly reassured by this passage:
It’s okay to have one child. It’s okay not to want another. It’s okay to factor population, money, and freedom into your choice to have one child. It’s okay not to “give” your child a sibling. It’s okay to question your choice at times. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to feel totally sure you want one kid, and one kid only.
And that’s kind of where we stand. There is a large part of us that believes we’re done with one child. And there’s also a part of us that questions that decision every day.
When you meet someone who is an only child or hear someone state they are only having one child, what are your feelings? Be honest, no judgment here. I want to better understand why people think being an only is such a terrible thing (or such a great thing, as the case may be).
January 18th, 2012 at 7:12 am
Here is my HONEST opinion -- I cannot imagine having one kid AT ALL, so having one (at all) seems amazing. The things people judge on… wtf people, seriously. Seriously.
My bf is an only child, with two step siblings added later on. I do think it has shaped who she is, but duh, why wouldn’t it?! And that is not a bad thing.
People should do what they want to do.
That sharing tidbit is interesting. True story -- I would rush through dinners at home (growing up), so I could be one of the lucky ones to get leftovers before they ran out. I wonder why I eat so fast and overeat now. Hmm ;)
January 18th, 2012 at 8:19 am
I married an only child. He’s amazing. Has always been very mature because he spent so much time with adults. When he was younger his parents often allowed him to bring a friend when vacationing.
There are some downsides. His parents can be smothering if us. He’s definitely spoiled and his whole life he got everything he wanted when he wanted it.
I have 3 kids…4,3,1. It’s hard. I wouldn’t trade them but I don’t blame you. You’ll know. Siblings don’t make the person.
January 18th, 2012 at 8:32 am
I want to get a shirt made that reads, ” My husband had a vasectomy. I am just fat.”
January 18th, 2012 at 8:43 am
I don’t think that it is weird to be an only child and don’t judge them at all. The person’s parents probably had an easier time raising them because they only had to focus their attention on one child!
I do think about the fact that I may be happy with only one child….but then again there are pluses and minuses to having just one.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:02 am
I would never give up the relationship that I have with my sister, but sometimes when I hear people are only children, I think “That sounds so nice.” Nothing negative comes to mind, truly. Especially in an expensive city, especially when space is a factor, especially when parents wait a few years to get started on a family, it can make perfect sense that an only is all you need.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:23 am
I’m an only child. I never felt like I was really missing out, at least not while growing up. As I was older and saw the friendship that sometimes (not always!) formed with my friends and their siblings, I always kind of felt a bit envious of that. But then again, I have a handful of really tight girlfriends, who I honestly see as the sister’s I never had.
My parents only had me, not because it was their choice all along, but because they weren’t able to have more children. I honestly don’t feel like I ever missed out on anything, being an only child. I had lots of cousins, and again like I said, lots of close friends, and growing up, I remember spending time with my mom and my mom’s friend and her children… so it wasn’t like I was sheltered, I wasn’t particularly spoiled (of course, naturally, all of the attention went to me, but my parents were really conscious of it). (My grandparents in the spoiling department were a different story- but aren’t all grandparents?!)
What I’m saying is, I don’t look at others who are only children any differently than I do people from a bigger family. Everyone has their own unique sitaution, right? I don’t feel differently. If anything, the only thing I sometimes used to think of is, “damn, I better marry a dude with siblings, or my child will not have aunts or uncles!”
But you know what? They would, regardless. For my close friends like I said, are those sisters from another mister, brothers from another mother, and there is something truly special about that too.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:54 am
I’m an only child, too. I’m a big fan and believer in birth order behavior, and agree that you’re right that only children have certain traits, but so do oldest children, middle children, and youngest children.
Sure, I was spoiled as a kid, but not overtly so. I’m grateful that my parents were able to provide things for me (like a full college education, for example) that they may not have been able to provide had they had other children. I also think I learned important things like how to entertain myself and rely on myself (though I’ll also say that I’m a huge mama/daddy’s girl so I don’t know that I rely on myself so much as I rely on THEM.)
That being said, I think if I do have kids, and assuming raising the one kid goes OK for the first little while, that I’d like to have multiple kids. There’s a part of me that wishes I’d experienced a sibling. Also, there’s a very real part of my that’s concerned how I’ll handle aging parents. My grandfather is currently ill and my mom has three other siblings to go through it with. When that happens to my parents, it will just be me. And I’m pretty nervous about that!
January 18th, 2012 at 10:07 am
I think all experiences shape who a person is. Whether or not they have siblings is such a tiny part of who someone ends up being. I don’t really think you can tell anything about someone just by being told their birth order or how many siblings or whatever. I think really you would need to know how their family interacts, and tons of other things. Saying only children are… is kind of like saying people with blue eyes are… It’s just such a small part of who someone ends up being that I’m not sure why people give it so much weight.
It kind of seems like everything, where people try to judge and tell you how your life could be better lived. Some people can’t seem to live in the present, and always need to know how it will turn out or what to expect, I think that’s why they ask such irritating questions…when you will get married, when you will have kids, when you will have another, etc. I think they mean well, but jumping to conclusions on who a person is based on how many siblings they have is kind of silly, in my opinion.
January 18th, 2012 at 10:19 am
I don’t judge any couple for preferring/wanting to have only one child. It makes sense to me.
Honestly, before I met Knight and became an instant mom, I wanted only one kid too. And if he and I ever have our own? I still want just one (preferably a boy, cause you know I can pick and all ;) ) The factors of population, money, time and etc. all make complete sense to me.
I loved growing up a big sister and having a brother, do not get me wrong, but there is also nothing wrong, in my mind, with having an only child.
I have several friends who have one child and are happy with their decision and the kids are just incredibly well-adjusted, smart, polite and awesome as those who have siblings (and some kids with siblings are.. well… not so much that way!)
January 18th, 2012 at 10:44 am
I grew up with two sisters. My husband grew up with three sisters and a brother. And we both came to the table with two very different thoughts on how many children we, as a couple and a family, hoped to have. My husband said he would be happy with one child. While he did not rule out additional children, his reasons were very valid. What we can provide for one child is more than we can provide for multiple children- travel experiences, achool tuition from pre-school through college (or, at lesat, having tha option), etc. I, on the other hand, knew that I wanted more children. I wanted my own children to have sibling relationships because I have grown to value mine immensely as an adult, and because I think I learned valuable life lessons from my siblings (for better or worse!). And that’s not to mention my career, which is completely focused on children. I just didn’t think I’d be happy or fulfilled with one child, on a personal level.
But then, my perspective changed a bit when we were faced with our own infertility challenges. When we were pregnant with Braden, I knew that we might only be able to have one child. I grew to appreciate the reasons why that would be okay. As it turns out (as you know), we do have a sibling in Braden’s future. And my husband and I are thrilled. But I think we both felt that if Braden was our only child, we would have been just as happy. It took a bit more for me to come to terms with that than it did for my husband, but I got there. (And now that we ARE expecting #2…nerves kick in every once in a while and I wonder what that big change is going to look like for our family!)
As for the judgement of others- I get so frustrated when I hear other people pass judgement on whether a couple or family choose to have one or more than one child. My first argument, based on my own experience, is that they have NO IDEA what that couple/family had to go through to have one child, let alone more than one. My second argument is that it is a personal decision. Who gives anyone the right to suggest what is right for someone else’s family?
I taught 1st grade for fifteen years, and that means I’ve taught many onlies and many siblings. You know where I see differences? In the parenting. That’s the bottom line. I don’t see onlies or siblings having any advantages or disadvantages over each other. Kids who are raised with opportunities to build relationshiops with others (whether those relationshiops start with siblings, cousins, or friends), who are given lots of life experiences (travel, visits to museums, etc), and who have parents who love them are the ones who are the most balanced.
Great post, Nilsa!
January 18th, 2012 at 10:58 am
As one of nine children, I cannot even fathom what a life would be like as an only child. And I truly don’t want to. My siblings ARE my best friends and I feel so blessed every day to have eight wonderful people who know me and love me and whom I can share anything with. Aside from the relationship with my parents and partner, my siblings are the most important people in my life, hands down.
That said, I don’t think having/being an only child is a bad thing. Those I know who are only children generally spend much more time with friends (who often take on a similar role that my siblings have for me) and have likely developed skills that I have not conquered quite so easily. I believe that a child grows and develops into the person that they are based on a combination of parenting skills, individual ability and a whole lot of luck!
I do think there is something to becoming a better sharer with lots of siblings. I’m used to not really having sole ownership of my things. All of my siblings are the same way and I think it has nothing to do with my parents making us share and everything to do with learning that if you share everything, you can have TONS OF THINGS. You have one American Girl Doll. I have one American Girl Doll. Clearly, let’s share and have TWO American Girl Dolls.
Now I’m all fired up and wanting to write a post about how not all large families are Mormon or Catholic. Nor have my parents been “busy”. Nor are we destroying the world with overpopulation as conceiving a child is not the only way to HAVE a child.
Great post!
January 18th, 2012 at 11:00 am
Nilsa, you know where I stand on this topic. :) I’m an only who is a mother of an only. I really liked the points you made in this post though, especially about sharing. My mom always says I was good at sharing my toys, although I did occasionally get irritated with my friends because I was always really careful not to mess up or break toys and dolls and it bothered me if my friends weren’t as careful with my stuff. I think that’s just me though! My only child is not nearly as careful with her possessions as I was and it drives me a little crazy. This week, I was putting her princess castle back together and matching doll shoes to the appropriate princess since everything was all over the place and J tried to remind me that those are SOPHIE’s toys, not mine! LOL. Also, the pizza example made me laugh. My dad is the oldest of six boys and he is a super-fast eater, because in his house, if you didn’t eat fast there was nothing left to eat!
I’ve had people tell me that I’m “hurting” Sophie by not giving her a sibling, which pisses me off on several fronts.
First of all, if people want to have additional children, they should do it for themselves, not as a gift to their kid. They should do it because THEY WANT another child. Just my opinion.
Secondly, that statement is just cruel, especially to people battling primary or secondary infertility. I endured that kind of “why don’t you want to give your parents grandchildren” crap from people when I was battling infertility to get pregnant with Sophie. I’m happy as a mother of one. But if I weren’t, I would be really hurt by that. You never know who may not be able to have additional children after their first, so people should never make those statements to other people. Ever.
*Infertility rant over.* :)
January 18th, 2012 at 11:00 am
Of course, we all know the stereotypes about “only kids”, but I totally believe that they’re only true for some and as say “exceptions prove the rule”.
I think you should do what’s right for you. I always thought that if I had children, I wanted two. I would want my children to have the sibling experience (because I had such a wonderful experience with my sister!), but… and here’s the BIG BUT…. a) I don’t even have one kid yet and b) seeing my sister now struggling with a full time job and two kids (even though she has two sets of Grandparents that help out A LOT) makes me understand why people like to have one and be done.
Both my niece and nephew are wonderful, sweet kids, but they’re a lot of work… and honestly, they’re even a lot more work when they are together ;)
Take your time and you’ll make the right decision for yourselves. And don’t feel bad if Gavin might end up being an only child. I think you’ll do a fantastic job raising him :)
January 18th, 2012 at 11:01 am
It doesn’t matter to me at all of people have 1 vs 2 (or more) kids. That is a very personal decision that every couple has to make.
That said, I grew up basically an only child (my 1/2 siblings were 14 and 18 years older and never lived at home when I did). Being an only child was SO lonely. I swore if I ever had kids I’d never do that to mine.
Fast forward to today, and we’re expecting #1. Although I never say never, we’re pretty firmly in the “one and done” camp. We really want to continue to be “us” and not just parents, and from our observations that seems much easier to do with only one. One kid is portable and easy to take along. Two seems to up the ante significantly! I plan on giving my kid more social opportunities than I had (my parents hated organized anything) so that he/she isn’t as lonely as I was.
January 18th, 2012 at 11:46 am
I would have only had one if I could have…and to be honest, I was sort of on the fence about whether I even wanted the one. Of course, once they showed up, I could never imagine having only one of them, but I never would have taken it on voluntarily:-)
At the same time, I couldn’t imagine not having a sister. Obviously, we are a little different than most sisters, but I feel like I would be incomplete without her…she is absolutely the best thing I have ever had in my life. And finding my other little sister was one of the most joyous surprises that I ever got, or will get.
So…um…yea. I am not much help, am I?
January 18th, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Um, HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ONLY CHILD HERE. Yeah, I grew up just fine. I’m gonna be honest, it was actually REALLY NICE not having to share anything with anyone, most especially my parents’ attention.
Am I social outcast? Heck no! Everywhere I go, I’m a petite social butterfly and have super duper awesome close friends.
Do I have problems sharing? Nuh-uh (ok with people I don’t like, but then again I don’t like them so I don’t share).
I married a guy who has a brother and Matt is the introvert. I’m the extrovert.
I’m not spoiled (except in attention). I give when I can financially to those in need and emotionally to those I care and love about so much. Even sometimes when a stranger needs someone to listen. So no, I’m not selfish because I was spoiled with attention. In fact I tend to spoil others with attention.
Do whatever you want. Don’t listen to any of that crap about only children. And tell people to MIND THEIR OWN BEESWAX. Sheesh.
Matt and I have discussed the whole kid thing and we only want one. If anyone has a problem with that, well then it’s their problem isn’t it?
January 18th, 2012 at 1:08 pm
what an interesting conversation!!
i can honestly say i have NEVER once thought “but wasn’t that lonely??” when i hear someone is an only child. i admit i do get caught up in stereotypes of only children being selfish, but despite coming from a 2-child hh (and sort of innately assuming i’d want 2, if i had any) i don’t have any immediate negative reaction to onlies.
January 18th, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Ha! That quote about sharing the pie cracked me up.
I was an only for the first 4.5 years of my life and it was a tough adjustment when my brother came along. We fought like cats and dogs our whole lives and have only recently started getting along a *little* bit better.
I’ve always thought “when I have kidS” for some reason. I guess it’s just another one of those things that society ingrains in us. The idea of having only one child has never really occurred to me. Though we would like to adopt a child so maybe we’ll have one biological child and also adopt a child. Who knows, right now I don’t want ANY children anytime soon ;)
I think that every family is different and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to do what’s best for you and your family -- whatever that looks like!
January 18th, 2012 at 1:23 pm
If I am being honest, when someone says they’re only having one, I feels sad. Its certainly not that I am judging them. I dont know the reasons (heath, financial, age or otherwise) that make them choose that path (and sometimes there is no choice in it). It’s just that I grew up with a heap of family. I’m one of ten children and so far I have 13 nephews and nieces. I feel sad when I hear that a child might not experience what I did growing up…but I also know the vast majority of people dont have enough sibblings for a five-on-five game of whatever they fancy so we’re quite abnormal lol. I loved growing up with a big family and it was good to have them all to help make health decisions when we lost our parents. I’m not equally close/attached to all of them, maybe I would have been if there was only one other?
My parents had really interesting ways of teaching us to be kind and share. They dont have to work only for multiple children though. For example, each night we rotated who served up the dessert. The person who served got last choice so if you didnt serve everyone fairly, you were the one who suffered for it with the smallest bowl of pudding. You certainly could do that with just Gavin.
Teaching us to be kind? When we spoke in a mean way about anyone, our parents would make us sit face-to-face with them and think up five nice things to tell them (couldnt be physical characteristics-had to be personality traits or behaviours). It was hard to do it when you were angry or upset with them but it taught us to be more patient and gracious and kind.
In all honesty, do whatever you think is best and you’ll find ways to work around whatever comes up. But I can promise you this, when Gavin starts to toilet train, your brain will start kicking back into reconsidering it, it happens to pretty much everyone lol.
January 18th, 2012 at 4:29 pm
No judgment. My husband is an only child and he’s pretty great. And very good at sharing, and an incredibly caring person. Plus, I think the reasons are valid for wanting only one. I also think there’s a lot to be said for how just one kid fits pretty well into the parents’ lives, while two kids is a complete disruption. Out to dinner with a baby, or a toddler? Sure. Out to dinner with a baby AND a toddler? Not so easy. It just changes a lot of things. And I think a lot of people have two kids without really thinking about it, because that’s just what they think they should want.
I also hate the logic of “giving” your child a sibling. You should be having a child for the sake of that child and nobody else. Younger siblings are not just tools for their older siblings’ social development. And if that’s the only reason you want a second kid, then you probably shouldn’t be having it.
January 18th, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Thank you for writing this post -- I can relate to it on so many levels because of our (not-set-in-stone) choice not to have any kids. As much as I hate it when people ask (or tell!) us about having children, I commit the same crime myself all the time. I’ve asked many friends if they were done with one or planning to try for more. I think to some degree, that line of questioning is inherent in us (especially in women).
Like you, I know some amazing onlies, and I also know people who have siblings they never speak to. I sort of think it’s all a crapshoot. There’s no “right” way to go about any of this, so you just have to trust your gut and figure out the rest as you go. What scares me most is regret and resentment. Fear of those stop me in my tracks.
If you and Sweets are done with one, I applaud you for sticking to your guns and not letting outside pressure change your minds. If you’re not…well congratulations on pursuing another member in the brood. :)
January 18th, 2012 at 4:58 pm
I figure people have their reasons both for having just one or 21. So why worry. Honestly, at this point, I’d be thankful just for one.
January 18th, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Though I adore children and am certain one or more will somehow come into my care in my life, the thing I think when people have any amount of children on purpose is it is hard work. Being a parent is challenging no matter how many times you take the plunge and I respect that.
(The reason I say “on purpose” is because I work with an organization where I volunteer with a lot of families that were not made on purpose and that is a whole other kind of challenge/story.)
January 18th, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I love this post, Nilsa. I think its crazy that people judge how many children people have or don’t have. Or even care really. I never give a second thought to the number of children people have, what I truly care about is how said children behave and thats in the parenting, not in the numbers.
As someone who isn’t even sure she wants one child, I know what its like to be judged. (I could write a whole post on how vocal people are and how harshly they judge me because I’m single and have no children, particularly since moving South.) If I do decide to later have a child, I can easily see myself having an only.
January 18th, 2012 at 7:19 pm
For all intents and purposes, I’m an only (I have 1/2 sisters who are 16 years younger than me, and who lived with my non-custodial parent), and my husband is too. We both thought we wanted two prior to having Jackson, but we’ve been inching toward the one and done camp for a while.
I’ll be honest, I always kind of wanted the sibling experience--I was a shy kid, and would have liked a built in playmate. BUT, there are also a lot of benefits to being an only child, and I can vouch for the fact that you can have a room full of only children who all act differently.
I’ve gotten a few judgments from people when we are asked, but honestly I just don’t care. We know what we’re capable of, financially and emotionally, and right now at least, we’re capable of being AWESOME parents to one. And that’s more important that theoretical playmates or a built in way to learn how to share. He can learn those skills in other ways, like his dad and I did.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:21 pm
I’m an only and I would have it NO other way. I had other onlies around me and lots of cousins,so that helped, but seriously…if I were to have kids, I’d only have one myself. I think it’s considerate to think about only having one if that’s where you are leaning. I don’t see an issue if you are being smart, with both your finances and time with your child…and decide that you are done after one!!
January 18th, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Well, I’m not having ANY as far as I can tell (which I think I’ve shared with you before) and I know that there are plenty of Judgy McJudgersons out there ready to cast disparaging remarks on all kinds of lifestyles. No kids? Selfish and immature. One kid? Indecisive. A gaggle of kids? Out of control and ridiculous. Seriously, shut it people.
I read a study last year that shows people who have no kids are overall happiest, but that people with one kid are pretty darn happy too, and if you’re going to have kids, stop at one because the more you have the less and less happy you’ll be — understandably because, hello, financial/time/energy/relationship stressors. It’s kind of the opposite of what we’re led to believe in our pronatalistic society.
An only child can grow up to be well-adjusted for sure. I think what’s most important is that you and Sweets have a healthy relationship for Gavin to model, and that you do what is smart for you. (On the flip side, I wouldn’t like to be without my brother now that my parents are divorced — he’s the only one who understands that experience like I do. I hope you and Sweets never go through that though! Of course. Never ever ever. Be happy together for always.)
Whatever you choose, Gavin will turn out just fine. There will always be judgy people waiting around the corner no matter what you decide. All you can do is to go with what seems right for you and your family.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Very interesting and thought provoking post, as usual. As 1 of 5, I grew up with a bias towards having siblings. It was just what everyone did. None of my cousins were onlies, and none of my friends growing up were either. But then one of my closest friends in college was an only and she was fabulous and sharing and giving and totally well-adjusted. So it sort of shifted my view that of course you’d never have JUST one.
Ultimately, I think it’s all about how you raise your children. There are plenty of selfish people out there who have siblings. Just because you are an only child doesn’t mean you will be spoiled or selfish or whatever. i used to think that I would have a big family, but considering the fact that I almost 31 and single, I don’t know if that is realistic for me. And honestly, I don’t know if I have it in me to have multiple children given the demands of my career and such. (sidenote: I feel guilty even saying that I would choose to have only one child so that I could continue to have the kind of career I have -- I feel like women are judged for that or thought of as a bit heartless…). Anyways, I never judge people’s decisions to have only one child. It’s such a personal decision that is between the couple!
January 19th, 2012 at 11:23 am
I had two because my relationship with my sister is incredibly important to me and it thrills me that my children are so close. But that’s my truth, my husband has 5 siblings and can’t stand any of them.
January 20th, 2012 at 9:42 am
I grew up with 4 siblings, and I loved it. I feel so, so lucky to have all these people to share life with. We moved overseas a few times, so they were my core community. They are the only people in the world who have experienced the same thing as me. They are the ones I can call after a frustrating situation with my (tea party Republican) parents and they *get* it.
I don’t know what I’d do without them.
I know I want more kids. I’d love to have one more of my own then foster-to-adopt. Not just because I had great (and…terrible!) experiences with my own siblings, but I would love Gabe to have siblings. Nothing melts my heart quite like seeing a preschooler dote over their little baby sibling.
HOWEVER, I do agree with Jess that one is easy. One is manageable. One has easily fit into our life. TWO is scary. Overwhelming. Unpredictable. Which is why I want to have a nice gap before trying for another baby! I want to savor our time with just Gabe. I understand now why my mom told me that the oldest is special. Because Gabe is the one who made me a mother.
I hate when people call others’ decision about child-having selfish. It really, really irks me. As if having just one kid makes you SELFISH. Or choosing to have none makes you SELFISH. I think it’s self-aware. It’s realizing what you want and being honest with yourself. And I think that’s awesome. I hope our kids grow up in a country where it’s not looked down on to be an only child. Where people don’t say judgmental things about only children.
Thanks for this, Nilsa!
January 20th, 2012 at 11:35 am
When I hear someone is an only child I do automatically think they might be self-absorbed or spoiled. I have friends who are only children and they do tend to need a lot of attention. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing! I think about Mr. D and I and how we’re getting older so we’ll be lucky if we birth one kid. I’ll probably have to change my outlook on this whole one kid thing then. ;-)
January 20th, 2012 at 2:52 pm
There are so many factors that go into how many kids (if any) two adults have that I wouldn’t begin to question their reasons. I’ve tried really hard to subscribe to the “you do your thing, I’ll do mine, and let’s all get along” mantra, especially since becoming a parent. I know only children who are inspiring and amazing and also ones who are selfish and petty. I ALSO know people with a mess of siblings who act both ways as well.
G is going to be a lovely little boy with or without siblings because he has wonderful parents, family and friends surrounding him. You rock on with your One and Done!
January 21st, 2012 at 4:14 pm
My daughter is an only child. It wasn’t planned that way (my ex and I had planned to have one boy and one girl, but we split up before a second child was possible). My wife’s daughter is an only child, but she is wanting to add another sibling for her only daughter at some point.
I’m pretty much an only child as well (the only child from my mom’s second marriage). My sister and brother are 16 and 14 years older than I am, respectfully. Hasn’t really bothered me, but I know only children tend to be very protective of others playing with their toys when they are kids. I know I was and so was my daughter. We shared and played with others and had a good time, but just had to make sure we didn’t let the ruffians play with our toys for fear of breaking them or ruining their pristine look.
January 24th, 2012 at 11:07 am
Ohhh, Nilsa. I am literally going to forward this blog post to my sister RIGHT NOW. Because she and her husband have been going back and forth over the same question: Do we really, truly, honestly want another child? Coming from a family of three girls, it’s been so interesting to listen to my sister process all the conflicting emotions, questions, worries, etc.
Ultimately, I keep telling her, there’s no bad choice. Because she’ll make the most and the best of whatever decision they come to.
January 24th, 2012 at 3:42 pm
I think people are always going to judge other people’s decisions. Not married, no children, 1 child, 2, 5, 8, 16…and on and on and on. Because I want more than 1, I do wonder in my mind why my friend is only have 1. But I’d never ask because it’d seem rude. Just like I’d never ask why my other friend why they had 4. So, I’m having more than 1 because both of us grew up with siblings and I thought it was hard at times, but eventually fun, and we’d never imagine life with no siblings. Plus, we’d love to watch the interaction between our children!!
January 25th, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Thanks Somi (came here after you posted a comment on my “Blue” post). I never was given a chance to be an only child (as I am an identical twin) and I would never think of anything being better than having a twin. I also have 2 half brothers, 1 half sister and 2 step brothers. My husband is pretty much an only child-he does have a sister but his parents treat him like a Golden Child.
What I didn’t touch on in my post was what decision I’m going to make if conservative fertility treatments don’t work. I will never be okay with IVF-I have some opinions about tempting fate that I will probably never share with anyone- and adopting is not for us. I’ll probably get judged just for that statement alone. That being said, I think that it would be okay if my daughter grew up as an only child. She already has a ton of friends her age (she’s three) and sometimes I think that life would be so much easier with just one: less expensive, less exhausting etc.
January 27th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I’m gonna be honest here. Totally honest.
When we had Hannah, up until she was 3, we never wanted another kid. We told everyone we knew she was going to be our only kid and we were happy about that. Once she turned 3 and potty training was over and she became such an easy little person we started to want another one. So we had Livie. I will say honestly though that 1 is MUCH easier. Sure, 2 kids is doable and while I don’t get how people have more than 2 and OUTNUMBER themselves…sometimes I wonder if just having 1 would hae been easier financially. Obviously I love my girls and there’s no way I could ever imagine NOT having them…I’m glad we had 2. They entertain each other and we had a big age gap that helped a LOT.
But with that said…having just 1? Seems like a good idea when people say it. We said it. We took it back. Now we are FOR SURE done and I get annoyed when people tell me that we should have more because I don’t work now. What’s that mean? I need to be a baby factory now that I don’t work? I want to enjoy the kids I have now to the fullest. I don’t want another one now…probably not ever.
Another perspective though…and it’s true…you don’t regret the kids you have. You regret the kids you DON’T have.
Food for thought.
xo
January 27th, 2012 at 2:18 pm
There is no right or wrong here -- it’s such a personal choice and the only opinions that matter are those of you and Sweets.
I grew up the oldest of 2 daughters. We fought like maniacs growing up, and we remain very different people, but she’s my sister, and I’d do anything for her. We grew up in a family of enormous families -- I have countless cousins. Gatherings were huge.
My husband is an only. And he is the best man I know :) I don’t think number of siblings (or lack thereof) has anything to do with the kind of person you grow up to be, other than it shaping your life experience. There are jerks with siblings and without.
We have 4, and it’s tough. I wouldn’t change it, but it isn’t for everyone. It IS hilarious to watch my husband grow dumbfounded at the shit they do to each other. He just doesn’t understand the fighting!
You will do what’s right for your family. Your mind may change a gazillion times. But it’ll all be ok in the end :)