Why on earth would I find myself in the middle of such a conversation? Well, these blogger friends expressed that they weren’t 100% clear on the relationship between the baby, her mamas and me. And, to be honest, they weren’t the first blogger friends to ask for more clarification. It seems, my friends, that I’ve been a bit vague about that part of my life. And while some of the mystery is on purpose (their stories aren’t always my stories to tell), these women have become an integral part of my life and therefore deserve some explanation.

A number of years ago, my brother was approached by the baby’s mamas (whom he knew through work) to see if he’d be interested in donating sperm, because they wanted to start a family. The three of them spent about a year discussing the intricacies of this sort of arrangement. They had probably a dozen face-to-face meetings (my brother lived in NYC and the couple lived in New England). They saw doctors. And they met with attorneys. By the end of that time, they ironed out a plan. It wasn’t clear what kind of role my brother would play in his daughter’s life, but he would be present. His daughter would know who her biological father was.

In January 2008, my niece (Baby Z) was born. My brother had been somewhat involved in the pregnancy and was there for the birth. My parents drove down to see their first grandchild. And I was stuck in Chicago, never having met either of the women, nor my niece. I met the couple and my niece for the first time about a month later on a whirlwind trip to Boston. Though the women seemed lovely, I felt very left out. I hardly knew them and certainly didn’t feel a connection to this very exciting time in their lives.

And then it happened. Jobs were shuffled, lives were rearranged and the women plus my niece moved to Chicago. All of a sudden, these virtual strangers whom had been welcomed into our family by my brother and parents were my neighbors. And you know what? Like my parents, I was excited to finally have an opportunity to get to know them. To be that last link to fully welcome and adopt them into our family.

The past two-plus years have been an amazing journey of getting to know two fabulous women and one hilariously independent and snarky little kid. If at first we got together around visits from my out-of-town family, now we get together as friends, independent of whether my family will be visiting or not. My niece? She knows who her moms and their respective families are. But, she also knows who her dad is (thanks to video chats and visits when possible) and has gotten to know our family, too.

Back to that column and radio transcript I linked to earlier. If you take the time to read them, you’ll notice an overriding theme is that kids born from sperm donors often have serious identity issues later in life. They wonder who their father is and often go on massive campaigns to find him. But, in my niece’s case, she’s known from an early age who her father is. And while her definition of family might be different from how her future classmates define their own families, there is no doubt Baby Z is surrounded by a large and very loving family. A family who will certainly contribute to her very own definition of identity.

The moment I had dinner with a girlfriend. Just the two of us. In a crowded, loud, bumping restaurant. And yet, with all the energy around us, we were able to focus only on one another. Sharing laughs. And even a tear or two. Cherish times like those.

The moment when Sweets and I picked up my brother from the airport, but couldn’t find him. On the phone, I asked him what he’s wearing. He said, a green shirt. And then I saw him, marching towards me in an oatmeal colored shirt. Cherish my color-blind brother.

The moment when my niece and the two mamas came over to retrieve my brother. Knowing my niece was soooooooo excited to see her daddy. As she was marching towards our front door, I asked, Who’s inside? Who do you get to see when you come inside? And she responded, Uncle Sweets?! Cherish the filters that girl lacks.

The moment Sweets and I attended a 1-year old birthday party at an amazing local park. Getting to share happy times with friends. Exploring a new setting. And enjoying lunch with the lakefront as a backdrop. Cherish this city and the capacity to discover new places every week!

The moments Sweets and I shared with dear friends and their children. The abundance of information they provided regarding child rearing. The tutorial they provided us on baby wraps. The warm baby seat cover they loaned us knowing we’d be bringing home a winter baby. The dinner and laughs we shared. Cherish friends like these.

The moments over a  brunch shared with our growing family. Loving the niece who ate butter straight from the little packets, followed by cream from other little packets to wash it down. The baby mama who is due with Baby #2 today, yet out sharing good times with loved ones. The extra time I got to spend with my brother, despite him being in town to support his girls. Cherish that my definition of family is uniquely mine.

The moments when Sweets helped our neighbors unload a heavy, wooden head-board from their truck. While I watched their little dogs, making sure they didn’t escape the backyard. And, after seeing said headboard being stored in their garage, innocently yelling to our neighbor, That’s a nice piece of wood you’ve got there. And him responding, That’s what she said. ‘Nuff said. Cherish the moments we find ourselves laughing uncontrollably with such good friends.

The moments in Buy Buy Baby where Sweets and I continued to add things to our in-the-works registry. Appreciating most of the big registry-related decisions are behind us, but fearing all the little decisions ahead of us. Laughing that I couldn’t let Sweets out of my sight, for fear of what he’d add to the registry, and yet he still was able to sneak in more White Sox clothing. Thankful for online editing capabilities, where I deleted said items. Cherish my time with Sweets as we prepare for an expanded household.

The moments during an afternoon spent with Sweets’ family celebrating the 40 years his parents have been married. Finding comfort in seeing how much pleasure Sweets’ parents get from a simple day with their children and grandchildren. Learning from Sweets’ nephew that I’m having twins who will be named Ben (boy) and Salty (girl). Cherish that I got so lucky by marrying into such a loving family.

Those are the moments that I just can’t fathom passing up. Running from one moment to the next, packing them in, loving every fleeting moment that passes by. Living life. And enjoying it. Those are the moments we’re supposed to create, embrace and remember.

What special moments made your weekend so cherished?

Scene: 6AM wake-up. Without an alarm. Long walk with SoMi. Trek to the gym with Sweets and our neighbors. Birthday brunch for our neighbor at another neighborhood favorite. It  was my first time there. Bread pudding. Spicy bean cakes. Fruity pancakes and French toast. Coffee and OJ.

Scene: Two bloggers-turned-friends and me. Izzes. Guacamole. Salsa. Chips. Tomatoes. Carrots. Hummus. Recaps of BlogHer (theirs). Recaps of registries (mine). Heirloom tomatoes. Goat cheese. Fresh peach vinaigrette. Homemade pizzas. Sliced potatoes. Goat cheese. Mozzarella. Leeks. Bacon. Rosemary. Discussions of sperm banks. And $55 million court settlements. (Unrelated to one another.) Ice cream. Homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Homemade caramel. Full. Happy.

Scene: Buy Buy Baby. Strollers. City Select versus UPPABaby Vista. Car seats. Chicco versus Graco. Play-yards. Graco versus Graco on steroids. Pillow crib bumper with risks of SIDS versus mesh crib bumper with risk of bruised heads. Registry officially started. Nursery furniture officially purchased. Still so much more to do.

Scene: Lunch with Sweets’ parents. Trip to park with the dogs. SoMi dashing in and out of water. Stories of Maine and Cape Cod (ours). Recaps with photos of volunteering in Roatan (theirs). Conversations of childbirth in America.

Scene: Nilsa passing out on Sunday night. It was one helluva a long and busy weekend. I wouldn’t change a thing.

To give you an understanding of traffic in Chicago, let me recap my Friday night plans. I work in the suburbs north of the city and was meeting some friends in the suburbs west of the city. Total drive distance, according to Google Maps was 30 miles. Total drive time (under normal travel conditions), according to Google Maps, was 50 minutes. I left my office at 4PM (maybe even a few minutes before) and rolled into my friend’s house at 5:45. One hour, 45 minutes. Traffic was insane. And this is not an uncommon commute time. Sigh.

But, it was worth it. I got together with some of the girls Sweets grew up with (something I haven’t ever done without Sweets). Got to share giggles over keeping pregnancies quiet (found out one of them is due in February). Got to ooooh and ahhh over planned trips to Mexico. And had a generally enjoyable evening catching up with two women I usually only see at family gatherings.

Saturday, I was up and out of the house early to drop SoMi off to get groomed. Mind you, this is a point of contention between Sweets and me, since he doesn’t feel she ever needs to be groomed, since she is short-haired. But, she was getting scruffy around her neck and butt and tail and we needed to have her nails clipped anyway, so I deemed this appointment necessary. (Let it be noted, this is the first time she’s been groomed in over two years, so it’s not exactly like I obsess over her looks). And I fell in love with the place where she got groomed. What I loved the most? Dogs seemed happy there. They were quarantined behind a half wall, but allowed to roam free (instead of being locked up in kennels). There wasn’t any barking and the dogs that were being groomed looked relaxed. Big plusses in my book.

While SoMi was being groomed, I headed over to see the baby’s mamas and my niece. When I arrived, they asked her who was coming over to visit. Zora said, “Aunt Nilsa.” Score. I’m finally being acknowledged. And boy am I being acknowledged. Girlfriend hammed it up for the camera when I asked her to smile, but eventually came around to giving me more age-appropriate smiles. I’m finally making inroads with that girl!

After a long walk with Sweets and SoMi on Saturday afternoon, we had a decision to make. The weather was hot and steamy on Saturday and we were supposed to meet friends at a street festival. But, I just wasn’t feeling the weather and Sweets wasn’t feeling the street festival. So, we bailed in favor of going to the movies with our neighbors. We saw Inception, which I thought it was OK. Definitely a movie that has you thinking the entire 2+ hours (not relaxing at all). And all I could focus on is how much Leonardo DiCaprio has aged. Boyfriend is the same age as me and he used to look so young. I guess we’ve all aged over the years. Sigh.

Sunday, I got up early to take SoMi on another long walk. When we got home, I was called to rescue Sweets, who got a flat while out on a long bike ride. That afternoon, we went to Sweets’ folks’ house to celebrate a birthday (and, of course, take the dogs to the leash free park for a long walk). And Sunday night, Sweets and I had rooftop tickets to see the Cardinals play the Cubs.

Nowhere in my weekend did I do one ounce of packing. Or preparing. Or even really thinking about our upcoming roadtrip. And yet, I left the weekend feeling packed, in a very different kind of way.

How did you spend your weekend?

As adults, though, we’ve actually grown to like each other quite a bit. We may still live very different lives (me, pseudo 9-5, while his days go well into the night)  … and he may be difficult to track down as a result … but, when we do finally cross paths, we actually get along. We’ve grown to appreciate each other, even in our differences.

That’s why I was sort of excited to have him visit this past week. It’s so rare that we just get to visit with each other, as we often coordinate with our parents (let it be noted, whose company we also enjoy). But, this past week? It was my brother, his boyfriend and their dog. Camping out in our guest bedroom. Doing their own thing by day and catching up with us by night. And it’s not like we let the evening hours go to waste.

• We brought the dogs to one of the local beaches that allows the beasts to be off-leash and let the dogs run like wild.
• We met up with one of the baby’s mamas to see a show opening at her theater (Chicago friends, go see This Train, starring and about local radio favorite Tony Fitzpatrick and his story about not quite fitting in – it only runs through August 1!).
• We hung in one night while my brother made turkey chili (and I made garlic bread, so no juice would go to waste!).
• We went with my brother, his partner and the baby’s mamas to see The Kids Are All Right (thumbs up!), which was hilarious given the company in which we saw the movie and the movie’s topic: it’s about a gay couple whose teenage children decide they want to meet their biological father.
• We met up with Sweets’ folks, my brother, his boyfriend and the baby’s mamas to see an opening at the other baby mama’s theater — Queertopia, which was about stories of queer youth (another recommended show that’s only running through next weekend).
• We went with Sweets’ parents, my brother and his boyfriend to one of our favorite burger joints (the boyfriend said he had a taste for a burger, so I knew exactly where we had to take him!).
• And we even managed to host brunch at our place – so all the above people, plus some favorite friends and family had one last chance to see my brother, his boyfriend and the dog, before they leave.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t exhausted. I’m lucky if I do one or two things in a week, let alone a week of non-stop fun. It was most definitely exhausting. But, getting to see my brother for that much time? Fight-free time? Time where he picked up after himself and actually was a big help around the house? Yeah, I’ll take a little exhaustion for that kind of week. It was truly special and so very rare (because, my brother and his main squeeze never have the same breaks from work, so travel for them usually consists of only a day or two at a time)!

And the amazing thing about this past week? I get a replay next month. My brother and his boyfriend will be coming back to Chicago. For a whole week. Again! Only this time, the terms will be a little different. Yeah, it’ll be a whole week. And yeah, they’ll likely be staying with us. But, their visit is in anticipation of baby #2. That’s right. There’s another baby entering our family fold, months before I’m due! Lots of babies this year. Plenty of celebrations. And, I’ll take each and every one!

What were you up to this weekend? Any highlights you’d like to share?